My 20-Year Diary

I will be posting 20 years of my diary entries, ages 8-28, from 1993-2014!

It’s Amazing Here — April 24, 2017

It’s Amazing Here

04/14/03: Right now it’s spring break and I’m staying with my sister in Boca Raton, Florida. I was scared to fly all by myself, but when I got on the plane, this guy from my school just happened to be on the same flight to Atlanta. I was able to sit with him and wasn’t scared anymore. We hung out for awhile in the airport until he had to get on another flight. I waited for my plane to come in, but it got delayed an hour. Finally, I got on and flew to Ft. Lauderdale where my sister picked me up. That night we just drove around town and looked at some huge mansions. The next morning was Friday and we went to Butterfly World, then to a little party thing in Ft. Lauderdale later that night. The next day we went to some bird place and I got to hold some huge freaky birds and one bit my sister. Ha! I told her it was going to bite, but she didn’t listen. Those birds are mean. Then we drove to Miami and went shopping. We tried to go to the beach, but it was way too busy and we could barely drive because the traffic was so awful. We ended up leaving and came back home to drink wine coolers. We also watched a video of a vacation our family took a long time ago to Colorado. It was when I was only six years old. Today is Sunday and we went to the Boca beach and I got sunburnt. It was fun playing in the ocean because I haven’t seen the ocean in years. The last time I saw the ocean was when I went to Florida with Cara. Then we came back to my sister’s apartment and played with her chameleon and gecko. We also went to the mall and I bought some really cool shirts and sandals. We went out to dinner at Red Lobster which was GREAT, and then I called my mom and dad to tell them about my trip so far. I’ve been talking to people online from back home and it’s cool to tell them what kinds of things I’m doing out here. Oh, we also went to the everglades today. It’s amazing here and I don’t want to leave and have to go back to work! Ugh. Well I’m going to play solitaire, so I’ll write more later.

Commentary: When I mentioned being scared to fly by myself for the first time, I conveniently left out the part about how I was crying hysterically. Apparently that was too embarrassing for even my diary to know about! We were at a very small airport with not much security, so my mom was able to sit at the gate with me. Once I got in line to board the plane and had to say goodbye to my mom, I completely lost it. I was already scared to fly because of a bad flight experience I had back in middle school, so having to fly alone for the first time was terrifying. When looking back, I’m able to see how God has put certain people in my life for specific reasons. I truly believe that my classmate being on the same flight was no coincidence. If he hadn’t been there to comfort me, I’m not sure I would have gotten on the plane. I’ve flown quite a bit since then, and never has there been a time where I’ve known someone on one of my flights. Reading this diary entry makes me realize how much I love Florida! I wish my sister still lived there. One thing I remember about this particular trip was how much I listened to the song, “If You’re Not the One” by Daniel Bedingfield. It was on the radio all the time and I loooved it. There were so many great photo options that I decided to include three that relate to this post. The first one was taken at Butterfly World (was it really necessary to show so much stomach?), the second is of me holding my sister’s gecko, although you can barely see him (what kind of face is that?), and the third is when I got attacked by birds at Butterfly World.

He Was More Disoriented than Usual — April 23, 2017

He Was More Disoriented than Usual

04/05/03:  Ross officially asked me out, but I’m starting to realize that I only like him as a friend. Last night I went to Stone Country and Chad was there. I haven’t talked to him in a week, but last night I talked to him and he said he lives in Washington now. Then he started talking to someone else, so I went over to talk to Nick. For the longest time I couldn’t find Ross, but finally he came over to where I was sitting. We didn’t dance together at all, though. I danced with other people because I thought maybe that would help Ross get the hint that I wasn’t all that interested in him. I definitely like Chad more than Ross, but I could tell that Chad was really, really drunk or messed up on something. He was more disoriented than usual, so I didn’t hang around him much. Then, as I was walking to the door to leave, I felt someone put their hand on my back and say, “Fine, don’t say bye,” and when I turned around I saw that it was Chad. I told him sarcastically, “Thanks for asking me to dance!” and he said that he doesn’t know what’s going on half the time. Nice. Then he asked how I would get ahold of him since he moved, and I told him to call me and he said okay. Whatever, I know he won’t call. My hand is tired of writing.

Commentary: I honestly feel bad about the whole Ross situation. He asked me out and I said yes, knowing full well that I only liked him as a friend. Then I go around and dance with other guys so that he’ll get the hint? Wow, what a jerk. I don’t know why I couldn’t say no to people or at least be honest with them. I could have avoided many awkward situations and feelings getting hurt had I just been honest from the get-go. Are there any situations you wish you would’ve handled differently back in high school? I’d love to hear from you! 

I Started My New Job — April 2, 2017

I Started My New Job

03/24/03:  I went to Stone Country on the 14th, which was the last time I wrote in here. I sat down where Cara and I sit every time and didn’t see Chad when I walked in, so I was wondering if he was really going to come. He told me earlier he had some things to do and probably couldn’t come. But as I was sitting there, I saw him walking around to come find me because he knows where I always sit. So we danced a lot and kissed and Paul ended up being there, so that wasn’t good. Anyway, I don’t think anything else too exciting happened that night, so let’s move on. On the 17th, I started my new job at Schlotzsky’s Deli. The first day was tough because I was so confused and they tell you everything at once and it’s hard to remember it all. This is my second week working now, so I’m getting used to it and things aren’t so bad. On Friday, I worked from 5:00-8:00pm and then went to Stone with Samantha and Cara right after work. Oh yeah, I don’t think I’ve mentioned Ross yet! I call him by his last name because I don’t want him to be confused with my ex-boyfriend who has the same name. My friend Andrew who I go to school with introduced us and we started hanging out. We have been seeing movies/hanging out at each other’s houses and it’s a lot of fun. He is a really nice guy with a good sense of humor, but I’m not sure if I like him enough to date him. He met up with me at Stone Country last Friday and Chad was there, so I ended up dancing with both of them. I still like Chad even though Ross is showing more interest in me now. Chad is actually online right now but has had an away message up ever since I got off of work, so I didn’t get to talk to him yet. I was over at Ross’ house until 11:30 last night. We are getting closer and try to hang out whenever we can. It’s kind of hard because he works all the time, but we’ll see what happens.

Commentary: Thankfully, working at Schlotzsky’s Deli was my only experience in the fast food industry. The thing that sticks out most in my mind was working late and having to close. They had wooden tables and chairs that were very heavy and whoever closed had to move every single table and chair out of the way, sweep the entire floor, then mop it. My little toothpick arms could barely handle it. The best thing was being able to eat their food on my lunch break, I believe at a discounted price. I absolutely loved their soup, pizza, and Turkey Original sandwich. That was back when the food was good. Most of them have now gone out of business, but we do still have one around where I live. I tried to go there recently for the nostalgia, but unfortunately they’ve totally changed the way they make their sandwiches. I’m guessing to cut down on costs they had to have lower quality ingredients. I worked there before Panera was a thing, so once that opened just down the street, it was all over for the Schlotzsky’s I worked at and they ended up closing. 

I Was Sweating Like a Pig — March 10, 2017

I Was Sweating Like a Pig

03/14/03:  Last weekend was great. On Friday night, Cara and I went to Stone Country. Usually when I go there, I’m mad about something and just sit out and don’t really dance much. This time I was in a better mood and wasn’t going to let anything bother me, so I went out and danced as much as I could! I was sweating like a pig from dancing so much. I saw that Chad was there too, but just waited for him to come up and talk to me. I was out on the dance floor when some guy asked me to dance to a slow song. I was just starting to answer when Chad came around the corner and saw me. He said that he’d been looking for me and didn’t even think I came. Then he asked if I wanted to dance and I said yes, which was kind of mean to do to the other guy who just asked me, but I had never danced with Chad to a slow song before and didn’t want to miss the opportunity. They ended up playing three slow songs in a row and Chad and I danced to all of them! We just held each other the whole time and it was amazing. I remember closing my eyes and wishing I could stay like that forever. Anyway, then they started playing rap music and I danced with Chad more and also some other guys. Every so often, I would glance over at Chad and he was dancing with some girl, but kept glancing over at me. So I don’t know, but overall it was a great night. Last night I drove to Chad’s house and that is officially the last time I’m ever driving there, which is sad. He is moving to a house in Washington this week, so at least he will be a little closer. I really love the house he lives in now though, because there were good memories there and I loved his room. It’s downstairs in the basement and he has black lights and really neat stuff set up. Aww, I really am going to miss that room. So I went there last night and the couch we usually sit on was gone and was getting ready to be packed up, so we sat on the bed. Eventually we laid down, but he didn’t try to make any moves! That is still one of the reasons I like him. No pressure to do anything. Before I met Chad, everyone told me that he only wanted one thing and I was just going to get used. I don’t believe that now because we have never done anything beyond a kiss and he still wants to see me. Last night we watched The Waterboy and it was sooo much fun. The cool thing is we can just lay there, staring into each others eyes and not saying anything, and it’s never boring. With someone like Paul, I could never do that because he would always have to say something like “Oh, we are holding hands and that means we are going out, right, right, right?!” With Chad, I don’t have to deal with that. Well, I’m going to go get ready for Stone tonight, so I’ll write another time!

Commentary: One thing I love about reading my old diary entries is seeing what kinds of random movies I was watching at the time. I had totally forgotten about The Waterboy!  Anyway, if anyone is interested in checking out my new blog, here’s the link: http://simplyalananicole.wordpress.com

 

I Asked God for a Favor — March 6, 2017

I Asked God for a Favor

blanket-on-couch

03/03/03:  Last night I was dumb and decided to go over to Chad’s house. I haven’t seen him in almost two months, so I went over there and we just cuddled under a blanket on the couch and watched a movie and some shows on TV. I ended up staying there for four hours. I have to say, it really was awesome. I really had a great time. I don’t feel this way about many guys, like major sparks and chemistry. I felt it for Jordan in the beginning and now Chad, but not any other guys that I’ve been around! I prayed a few times and asked God for a favor. I said that if Chad really wasn’t the one for me, then please let me know somehow or make me stop thinking about him all the time. I prayed awhile ago and nothing has changed except after last night I like him even more! I literally have laid on my bed all day thinking about last night and pretty much couldn’t do anything else. The biggest problem I have with him is that when he drinks he goes wild and has no clue what he’s doing. The next morning he wakes up and doesn’t remember what happened. Maybe if I turned 21 I would be going out a lot too, but I don’t think I would be that reckless. Honestly, Chad can be the sweetest, nicest, funniest guy when he wants to be and isn’t drinking. Last night when I was getting into my car to leave, we said goodbye and he tried to kiss me, but I pulled back and wouldn’t let him. It’s not like I didn’t want to kiss him because I did, but I don’t want to get my hopes up thinking he likes me when I’m probably just another girl to him. Gotta go!

Commentary: Eventually, that prayer was answered and God made it quite obvious that Chad was definitely not the one for me. He had been trying to show me warning signs along the way, but I didn’t want to see them. Anyways, if you’ve been wondering where the heck I’ve been, I had surgery! Nothing major or very serious, but I’ve basically felt like crap since around December 15th. I decided to start a blog (in addition to this one) to explain that whole story along with updates on what my life is like now. I should have my first blog post up either today or tomorrow, so I’ll share the link if anyone is interested in checking it out! 🙂

Get Over It — January 25, 2017

Get Over It

shy

02/16/03:  Today I went over to Cara’s house to play with her new golden retriever puppy. Chad finally answered my email and we are cool with each other now, but Nick still likes to get in the middle and ruin things. All because I refused his advances a long time ago! Get over it. Tonight Cara, her boyfriend, and this John guy, who I don’t know very well, went to see a movie called Final Destination 2, which was just okay. John paid for me, and I was told by Cara’s boyfriend that John apparently really likes me. He calls my cell phone pretty much every day, but I haven’t made any effort to talk to him because I don’t need any more guys in my life at this point. Ok, gotta go do homework.

02/28/03:  I just looked at my yearbook from freshman year, and believe it or not, I actually teared up. Not cried, but my eyes were watering. It just hit me that I’m a senior and soon I’ll go off to college and start a whole new life and will never see any of the people I went to high school with again. There were lots of people I totally forgot about going to school with. Ahhh the memories. Today at school we had to vote on what our class flower, song, colors, and all that jazz is going to be. Graduation is going to get here before I know it…finally I’ll be free! On one hand, it will be nice to turn 18, be an adult, and do whatever I want, but on the other hand, I’ll be saying goodbye to my childhood and won’t get things handed to me anymore. Anyway, I thought hard about the whole Jordan situation and came up with the following conclusion. Next year I probably won’t see or talk to him at all, so right now I’m going to forget whatever happened in the past and just have fun with him while I can. He is the only guy I could honestly say I would want to marry. He has been sick lately with bronchitis and has to use an inhaler. Tonight he came over and we watched a movie on TV and talked. I actually felt, for the first time in a very long time, like he still loves me and cares about me a lot, so that was nice. Josh from TN is supposedly coming back in a couple weeks to move in with his friend. He recently wrote me an email saying that I’m a big part of the reason why he’s moving. He probably won’t even really move here. He has lied to me in the past about things and I’ve found that he isn’t very reliable. I really don’t think him and I will ever be anything more than friends. So yeah, Jordan and I started talking and hanging out again. Now I’ll talk about Chad. He keeps getting himself in trouble and most of it has to do with alcohol. He would be so much better if he just didn’t drink! The problem is that he can’t control his drinking. He gets so drunk that he has no idea what he’s doing. For example, he called my house phone at 4:00am on a school night, woke my parents up, and a few days later when I asked him about it, he didn’t even remember calling. He just gets way too drunk. Right now I can guarantee he is drunk and dancing all over some girl at Stone Country. Why do I still like this idiot, may you ask? Well, I don’t really like him anymore. He can be the sweetest guy and most hilarious person when he wants to be, but I can’t deal with the drinking thing, so I’m gonna back off. Last night he did leave me a message online saying that he still loved me, which was surprising because he doesn’t say that anymore. Then I thought for a split second that maybe he meant it and really does care, but then I came to my senses and realized that he’s just full of it. Well my hand hurts really bad from writing and I want to sing this next song, so bye!

Commentary: Why was I sad about the thought of never seeing anyone from my high school again when 98% of the people I hung out with didn’t even go to my school? I remember the class song we chose was “No Such Thing” by John Mayer, which seems pretty fitting. I still remember that 4:00am drunk dial. Today’s photo is one I found in my high school yearbook. Apparently I was considered the shyest female in my graduating class of 2003 (they asked me to do that awkward pose). By the way, the reason I’ve been MIA lately is because I’ve been working on my book, “Artifacts of a ’90s Kid” that comes out later this year. I finished writing it, submitted it to my editor, and it’s currently in the editing phase! Follow “Artifacts of a ’90s Kid” for more updates and like this post if you want me to blog more! 🙂

I Can’t Write Anymore Because I’m Too Sad — January 8, 2017

I Can’t Write Anymore Because I’m Too Sad

broken heart

02/05/03:  I’m depressed. I’ve always felt like at least one person cared about me, usually Jordan, but now I feel so alone and like no one cares about me anymore. Well, Paul might, but I don’t feel the same way about him as he feels about me. If I was ever fighting with Jordan, I could always talk to Chad and he would make me feel better. Tonight I realized that Chad truly doesn’t care about me. He never responded to my email, so I will never know how he really felt or what he thought about what I said. Plus, he got online earlier today and didn’t IM me. Whatever, I didn’t even do anything wrong. It really hurts to think about how everything used to be. It seemed like he cared so much and now all of a sudden he doesn’t seem to care about me at all, yet I still care about him. Oh well, I still love Jordan more than anyone. Jordan called me a few minutes ago and now I’m upset after talking to him. Valentine’s Day is next Friday and we were planning on hanging out because that is like the most important day of the year for us – it’s the day he first asked me out. He had been giving me hints like he was going to ask me back out on Valentine’s Day. Now he says he will probably go to Southern University and party with friends for four days, Thursday-Monday. That really upsets me. So yeah, add Jordan to the list of people who could care less about me. Brian still won’t talk to me, and I can’t write anymore because I’m too sad.

P.S. – I got accepted to Bradley University.

02/15/03:  Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and probably one of the most depressing days of my life. It would have been my two year anniversary with Jordan if we were still together. We had been getting along fine, but this past week it’s like he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. I didn’t even do anything wrong. We said we would hang out on V-day, but instead, he hung out with Tim. Jordan’s parents went out of town for the weekend, so you would think I would be one of the first people he would invite over. He had a party last night and one tonight and made it clear to me that he didn’t want me there. I will never forgive him for doing this. The whole night I cried because I remember the night two years ago when he first asked me out. It seemed like it was just yesterday…I’ll never forget it. I remember after he left that night I cried because I was so happy, and now he just uses me and doesn’t care that we are both going off to different colleges and probably won’t ever see each other again. I made him a CD as a present for V-day and not only does he not get me anything, but he won’t even let me come over. I honestly wonder if other girls are over there. I mean, anyone could spend the night since his parents are gone. I don’t even want to think about it. When I talked to him on the phone, he tried to blame me by saying that I had been talking to Chad. So what? He stalked Beth, wrote her love letters, and went to homecoming with someone else! I wish I could get over Jordan for good, but he was the first and only guy I’ve ever truly loved. We were inseparable for so long. After last night it’s apparent that he doesn’t care about me, so I have to move on, otherwise I’ll just get hurt again. He actually had the nerve to tell me that the reason why he picks his friends over me all the time now is because in the past when we were together, I took up all of his time and he had to give up his other friends. He also said that I would make him stay over until midnight. He made it sound like he didn’t even want to be with me for long periods of time. First of all, I was his girlfriend and we go to different schools, so obviously I would want to see him as much as I could. Anyway, I’m not going to talk about him anymore. Next year I’ll be at ISU and he won’t know my dorm room number and I haven’t given him my new cell phone number, so he won’t be able to get ahold of me!

Commentary: Having to officially end things with your first love is definitely tough. Luckily, college was right around the corner and I was able to move an hour away and start a whole new life. 

That’s Not Quitting, Idiot! — December 17, 2016

That’s Not Quitting, Idiot!

drunk-homer

02/02/03:  I finally talked to Chad. I asked him what he did this weekend and he said he didn’t really remember. So I said, “Oh, you were that drunk huh?” and he said yeah. Just like I thought, he did not quit drinking. He said he stopped drinking during the week, but not on the weekends. I’m really mad – that’s not quitting, idiot! When I talked to him it really seemed like he didn’t want to talk, and I was already mad at him so I just said “bye” because I couldn’t take it anymore, and his response was “later” like he didn’t even care because he didn’t ask what was wrong or tell me he loves me like he usually does. He didn’t respond to my email either, so forget it. I really need to forget about Chad because I let him get to me. I believed all his BS and not what other people were trying to tell me, and now I’m crying over him when he isn’t worth it. I let my guard down with him and drove all the way out to where he lives, and even risked my parents finding out about him. If they knew about his record and him being in trouble then my life would be over. I sacrificed so much for him and for what? Just to get played and lied to. I made Jordan upset over this when he is someone who actually cares about me. I just need to think about things for awhile, so BYE!

Commentary: Did I really think dating a felon was going to work out?

He Better Have a Good Excuse — December 10, 2016

He Better Have a Good Excuse

beer

02/01/03:  Chad still hasn’t written me back yet! I’ve been going crazy trying to figure out how he feels about everything. I emailed him on Wednesday night and he said he would write back the next day. Well he didn’t get online at all on Thursday, so I don’t know where he was. Then on Friday he didn’t get online, so hmmm. In the email I sent, I said that I would really like to see him Friday night because Saturday night I would be busy. So basically if I didn’t see him on Friday night, then I would have to wait another week. It’s not like we could do anything Sunday since I have homework, or during the week because he has to go to bed so early and get up at 4:30 in the morning for work. This was a good test to see how much he actually cares and to see if what he tells me is true. The invitation was out there – I was willing to drive to him and he didn’t have to do anything or meet me anywhere. He knew I wanted to see him, but he didn’t call me to make plans. I bet he went to Stone Country with Nick, got drunk, and danced on every girl there. First of all, he told me he quit drinking and I didn’t believe him, but he said he was serious. Well, I’ll find out if he drank or not and if he did then that’s it!! All I know is he better have a good excuse for not seeing me last night. Hopefully he will get online today so I can have a talk with him. I don’t want to end things, but that’s probably what I’ll have to do. I’m sick of getting hurt by him. Last night my friend Ryan came over and we watched a movie. It was fun because I hadn’t seen him in a long time. I can’t write anymore, it looks sloppy!

Commentary: It’s weird to think about the days before texting/social media messaging. If you wanted to talk to someone, your options were to either call them or wait around until they got online. 

The Truth Hurts Sometimes — December 4, 2016

The Truth Hurts Sometimes

american-idol

01/29/03:  Today I got home from school and sang and danced around in my room. Then I watched American Idol because that show is such a gag! I love the tryouts when they show the bad singers. Anyway, I had an away message up online and Chad left me a couple messages. He said to leave him one when I got back, but I really HAD to watch American Idol because I missed it last night and it really makes me laugh so hard sometimes. I came back an hour and a half later to talk to Chad, but he said he was going to bed. I totally forgot about his job and how he has to wake up at 4:30 in the morning. Whoops! I felt bad because he said something about how he had been trying to talk to me all night but I kept leaving. He read the email I sent and I thought his response would either be that he only wants to be friends or he would say how he felt about everything in two sentences and say something like, “Oh baby, you know I love you,” blah, blah, blah and wouldn’t really take the time to seriously think about it. He actually surprised me when we talked tonight. I was kind of embarrassed by the email I sent, thinking it was dumb and too mushy, but he said it wasn’t, which was nice of him to say. I asked if he was going to write back since he said he was going to bed. He asked if I wanted him to tell me over IM or in an email and I said it was up to him. He told me he would write me an email because he had lots to tell me. I couldn’t believe that. I really thought he wouldn’t take it seriously at all, so I’m happy he actually cares enough to write me a long email explaining things. I’m still living in suspense though, because I have no clue how he feels or what he will say. When he got offline he said, “Goodnight, and I love you a lot more than you think.” I was in a pretty good mood after that. I don’t know what it is with him! We just have some major chemistry or something. I can’t wait to see what his email will say. The biggest thing I care about is that he’s honest with everything he says, even if it’s not exactly what I want to hear. The truth hurts sometimes, but it’s always better than being lied to or led on. I get so many mixed signals from Chad…I just don’t know what to think sometimes. All of a sudden I’m dead tired, so goodnight! Hopefully the next time I write I’ll have good news for ya!

Commentary: Wow, I had totally forgotten about the phrase “such a gag” when talking about something funny. It’s weird how sayings are so popular at one time and then they completely disappear. Do any of you still say that?

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