01/08/05: Wow, this break from school has really flown by. I remember being so excited that I would have exactly 32 days off, so about a month, and now we are down to 10 more days. It’s depressing to think about. Normally I’m excited to start a new semester, but since my grades ended up being worse than I expected, I’m really discouraged. I feel like this will be a very difficult semester to get through because I’m taking the maximum number of hours and will be in a very hard statistics class. Ugh!!! I’m usually an A-B student, but I ended up getting a C in both finite math and American diversity, which I’m not even that mad about because those classes were impossible. I remember in finite there was a certain time frame where you could drop the course if you wanted to up until a certain date, and after that date, I noticed that half my class was missing, which was a class of about 50 people. I got an A in my psychology class which I was obviously happy about since that’s my major, and then I got B’s in English and criminal justice. I was very upset about getting a B in my criminal justice class because I had an A the entire semester until the final came around. I still don’t know what my grade was on the final because my teacher never emailed me back, but I must have just barely missed getting an A. It was also upsetting because criminal justice is my minor. Then in English, I worked incredibly hard on my portfolio and definitely expected an A, however, my teacher explained that he actually doesn’t grade each individual paper. It’s more like he skims over everything and gives you an estimate instead of an exact, precise grade, which is ridiculous. I wish I would have known that beforehand or else I wouldn’t have spent so much time on each paper for someone to just skim it over. So anyway, enough about that.
For the past few days, I’ve been in Chicago visiting my sister at her new apartment. It’s a nice place, although there is absolutely nowhere to park and we got 9 inches of snow. The road by her apartment never got plowed and we have the worst car for this weather – a mustang. So every time we tried to go somewhere, the car would get stuck in the snow and the wheels would just spin. Thankfully, a couple guys helped dig us out of the snow and pushed us on our way. They were kind of scary guys, but without their help, there was no way we would’ve been able to get ourselves unstuck. Today we went driving around and my sister showed me some stuff like the campus at Northwestern University, and she also showed me where she works. After that, we went to an outdoor mall and I was freezing, but I got some great smelling bath stuff from Bath and Body Works and some new underwear from Victoria’s Secret, so that helped cheer me up.
Carson is at his parents’ house right now which is about a half hour away, and I actually stayed at his place for a few hours yesterday while my sister was still at work. We had fun playing MarioKart Double Dash, and I got to meet his sister for the first time. She lived in North Carolina for awhile and now Texas, so she doesn’t go home very often. Carson and I were having a good time until his parents came home and it was time to eat dinner. Carson went over to fill up both his plate and mine when I heard his mom say something quietly to him about how there wasn’t enough food for me to eat with them, basically. Then Carson said something about how I could eat off of his plate or we would share or something, so between the two of us, we had one small bowl of salad, one slice of rosemary bread, and one helping of pasta. The meal was clearly only enough for one person, and I was totally starving because I had been on the road driving pretty much all day and didn’t get much to eat. I knew that Carson would’ve let me have as much as I wanted (which would’ve been like everything), but I knew that he also was extremely hungry and I kind of lost my appetite after how rude his mom was. She really didn’t care if I got food or not, and every time Carson comes over to my parents’ house, my mom is more concerned about him having enough to eat even more so than me, which she should be because he’s the guest. My parents don’t cook much, they eat out most of the time, but they always bring something back for Carson if he wants it. Even if we were eating a meal at my house and there was a shortage of food, my mom would totally make me give my dinner to Carson and go make something else or she would find something else to eat herself. We would never leave Carson out like that unless we knew he had other food that he’d brought, which is sometimes the case. I’m not a health nut like Carson having to bring my chicken and rice everywhere, so I don’t travel with food. I just couldn’t believe that Carson’s mom didn’t suggest that he make something else for dinner so that I could eat. Or she could have even offered me a frozen dinner at least. I don’t know, she just didn’t care, and that hurt my feelings. I already don’t feel comfortable going over to his house because I kind of feel ignored. No one ever asks any questions to try and get to know me, everything is always directed toward talking to Carson, and that’s exactly how dinner was too. After that happened, I really just wanted to leave. I want to have a good relationship with these people because in all honestly I do believe they could potentially be my future in-laws, but I don’t know if they’re ever going to accept me the way I want them to. Carson tells me that they like me and it’s just the way they are or whatever, but anyone with a brain in their head can figure out that their guest might like to have dinner, too. I really don’t understand Carson’s mom at all. One time, we were in the kitchen eating when his mom came in and told us the whole story about some cyst that was on her back and had to be removed. She told us the details about all the puss and everything, and it was just disgusting. It was weird that she was saying all that in front of me who she doesn’t know very well, but we were obviously trying to eat too, so it was just very strange. She’s confusing because sometimes she’ll do nice things for me, like she made me earrings and a scarf, but then other times she acts like she doesn’t like me.
I’ll never forget the time we went to a White Sox game. Well first, I should probably explain what happened before that. Ok, one time I was going to go watch Carson play at one of his baseball games, and his mom was going to take me there. Before leaving, she asked if I wanted to borrow a jacket in case I got cold, and I wasn’t sure what the weather was like outside and didn’t want to be rude, so I said, “Ok, thank you” and took the jacket. When we arrived, I noticed the sun had come out and it was warmer, so I decided to leave the jacket in the car and told his mom that if I got cold I would come back for it. So anyway, before the White Sox game, it was rainy which was unexpected, and once again I hadn’t brought a jacket (it was summer by the way). So once again, she asked if I wanted to borrow that silly jacket and I said alright because this time I knew I would need it. Then his mom said something like, “Well are you sure, because I don’t want to end up carrying it around for you.” I really could not believe she said that – it’s like she remembered that time at Carson’s game where I thought I might need a jacket but then didn’t end up needing it and then decided to hold that against me. Even though the jacket was extremely lightweight and didn’t really make me any warmer and made me look ridiculous because it was so big, I made sure to wear it the whole time just for his mom.
There was this other Sox game we went to for Carson’s birthday when something else happened. When we walked in the doors, there were people who handed everyone one of those things you put under your windshield of your car so that it blocks the sun (it was a big picture of US Cellular Field). We were going to separate from Carson’s parents to go to the bathroom and then meet them at our seats. As we were parting, Carson handed his mom the windshield thing so she could take it back to where we were sitting. Naturally, he grabbed mine to also give to his mom, but for some reason or other, she just would not take it and gave Carson this look like, “I don’t want to carry hers” or that carrying three of those things was just too much, which is ridiculous. I ended up just taking mine from Carson and said, “Let’s go.” I usually like to save things like that, but I ended up throwing mine in the trash out of anger. I figured that if Carson and I went to get food later or something, I wouldn’t be able to leave the thing with his mom since she was so against having to hold onto it in any way, so that’s another reason I got rid of it. I can’t talk to Carson about any of this because he just doesn’t understand or at least tries to act like there’s nothing wrong with his mom’s behavior. I used to try to express my concerns about the way I felt about his parents (specifically his mom), but we would never agree, so I just stopped. He doesn’t know anything about me being upset yesterday after the whole dinner thing. I guess he just thought what happened was normal because he never said one word to me about it. I’ve just been used to my boyfriend’s parents in the past always liking me. Jordan’s mom was always so nice to me. It’s hard because I love Carson so much and he means the most to me out of any guy I’ve ever dated and I get stuck with parents who seem to have a problem with me when I’ve done nothing wrong. Who knows, maybe she feels like I took her son away from her or something like that. Well it’s 3:00 AM and I have to wake up early to go to Bloomington with Carson tomorrow, so I’ll try to write more before this semester break ends.
Commentary: All I have to say is thank goodness we didn’t end up getting married.