07/29/03:  So much has happened since the last time I wrote in here. It’s been over a month! Time to play catch up. On June 20th, I had a fun 18th birthday. I hung out with friends at Stone Country. I went to Illinois State University on the 7th or 8th of July for Preview. I spent the night there, went to a bunch of meetings, and also went to a frat party, woo hoo!  It was a lot of fun because I met so many wonderful people, and I feel much more comfortable about going to ISU now. Oh, and I recently had to go to the gyno for the first time ever for a checkup. I have always dreaded doing that, but it wasn’t all that bad. I’ll tell you what’s going on with Jordan. Isabelle always told me that she didn’t like him and would never go out with him, but that was a bunch of crap because they have been going out for awhile now. I can’t even explain how I feel about that, among other things. I try to talk to him sometimes, but apparently he is in love with Isabelle now. He is 19 and she is 15 years old. I think Jordan gets infatuated with people easily, but it isn’t love. After looking back on everything, maybe that’s all it was with me. I actually really did love him, though. When I found out that he and Isabelle are together, I just couldn’t believe it. He lied to me so many times. One day, I had him over to swim in my pool and he asked if I had a boyfriend. I said, “No, why? Do you have a girlfriend?” and he told me no. Then I noticed he was acting strange…not wanting to hug me and wouldn’t let me sit on his lap. I didn’t worry about it too much because he’s weird like that sometimes. So the next day, Isabelle talked to me online and said, “Oh, did you know Jordan and I are together?” I was like, “No way, he told me yesterday he didn’t have a girlfriend.” Then I confronted Jordan and he claimed that he didn’t answer when I asked him about it. Whatever, he lied. Then he got mad at me and said I should have figured it out since he wouldn’t let me sit on his lap. Ugh. So after all that happened, I decided that was it. Jordan needs to be totally and completely out of my life. I have always been hurt or upset over things he has done in the past, but it all added up and this was the last straw. You have no clue what he has done to me emotionally. One time I was in a chatroom with him and Isabelle and she said something right in front of me about how she didn’t understand how Jordan and I had such a wonderful relationship and then it got so bad. He responded by saying, “Isabelle, I told you. I hated it so much, she controlled me.” Then once Isabelle left the chatroom, Jordan talked to me and said, “Oh, I didn’t really hate our relationship, it was really great for awhile.” But of course he could never let Isabelle know that. For the first time, Jordan is not a part of me and never will be again. It doesn’t upset me too much because I feel like the whole thing wasn’t real anyway and I can do so much better. I learned a hell of a lot through all of this and grew up a lot too, so it’s all good. Jordan has decided to join the Marines, so I’ll probably never see or talk to him again.

Anyway, let’s talk about Chad. I still think about him every day (don’t know why) and call him every once in awhile, but he’ll either ditch me or not call back. I don’t know what his problem is. All I want to do is see him one last time since he is moving to Florida soon and I’m leaving for ISU in two short weeks. We haven’t hung out all summer, but it would be nice to see him because he always puts me in a good mood and for some reason, I have always felt chemistry between us. I think I’m going to ask him to hang out Saturday night and if he thinks he has something better to do, that will really prove he doesn’t care. This is seriously his last chance. He still calls me “babe” or “hun” on the phone, so he still acts like he likes me. Hmmm. Then there’s Rob. We have been hanging out more and I’m just glad to have someone there for me who’s been understanding. Remember Josh from TN? Well he’s back now. When I found out he came back, I almost cried because I was so happy and missed him so much. We hung out a few times and it was nice to see him again. This whole summer I’ve been bummed about Jordan, so I really needed something to make me happy again. Even though I like him, there’s no way I want to start a relationship since I’m leaving for ISU soon and won’t ever be able to see him. I have class during the day and he works every night. He wrote me a really sweet letter and I’m going to write him back to tell him how I feel. Well it’s getting late, so I’m gonna go to bed. I’ll try to keep this thing more up to date so I don’t have to write such long entries.

Commentary: I still remember that very strange chatroom conversation where they were talking about me as if I wasn’t there. Thank goodness I’m about to leave for college at this point in my diary and will have different topics to write about. I’ll never forget going to Preview at ISU. It was basically a two-day orientation where you tour the campus, go to different meetings/activities, and spend the night in the dorms. Although it ended up going pretty well, I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous in my life. I’m not the most social person, so being dropped off an hour away from home, not knowing anyone, and having to do team building and “get to know you” type of activities, terrified me. You were actually supposed to spend the first day with your parents, but somehow there was a misunderstanding. I’m not sure if my parents weren’t aware of that or if they didn’t want to go, but my dad just dropped me off. While everyone else was off doing things with their parents, I was hiding out in my dorm room feeling extremely awkward. Eventually, I met a girl who was nice enough to let me tag along with her and her parents. The whole thing still makes my stomach hurt when I think about it. As you may have noticed by now, I keep a lot of random stuff from my past and today’s photo is of the name tag I wore at Preview.