06/09/03: I just talked to Isabelle online and in her profile she has all this stuff like, “I love you Jordan, wow, what a man” or something. So I IMed her and was like, “Just admit that you want Jordan,” and she said, “No, I don’t like him like that.” Umm whatever. Then she added something else about how some girl at the mall where he works likes Lebanese guys, so he gave her his number! Just a week ago he said he wanted to be with me. It’s just so frustrating because he has totally changed. He lies about everything now. I need to realize that he doesn’t really care about me, even though he says he does. Isabelle always rubs stuff like that in my face. For the past week, Jordan hasn’t called, returned my calls, or stopped by my house, so I knew something had to be up. He always ignores and avoids me when another girl is in the picture. Then when there are none, he likes me again. Today I talked to Rob online and we decided to meet up at a park in Sunnyland. We swung on the swings and even went down the pink slide. It was beautiful outside and we had fun. We even took a walk through the woods, and I honestly didn’t want to leave. I highly doubt we will ever end up dating, but he is fun to be around and I’ll definitely continue being his friend. Well I’m gonna go for now.
06/15/03: Life really sucks right now. Jordan and I didn’t talk for about two weeks, and it has been hard for me to deal with. One of the biggest reasons is because it’s summer now and everything I do reminds me of last summer when Jordan and I went swimming in my pool and went to the fair…we were together then, and everything was so perfect. My mom has been renting a lot of movies lately and I’ve sat down and watched some by myself. Of course they are all about love, which really makes me think of Jordan. It’s weird because I’ve dated other guys and liked other guys, but still only think of Jordan when it comes to love. Anyway, he actually came over to my house tonight. I really wanted to tell him how I feel, but couldn’t do it. It is so incredibly hard for me to be around him now. He has changed so much. When we started dating, his muscles weren’t that big and he didn’t have much confidence, so at the time I was probably the best looking girl he could get. Well now he’s been taking pills to make his muscles bigger, works out a lot, and buys tons of new clothes from American Eagle and Abercrombie just to look cool and fit in. I guess he thinks he can get a better looking girl now. Even though he would try to deny it, I know that’s how it is. Even if I did something to make myself look better, or even got plastic surgery, I would still want to be with Jordan. So as we were talking, he said all this stuff about how he is probably going to move to either Pekin, IL or Florida, then he said in a year he will definitely be in Detroit. I just don’t know what to think. One of the things I wanted to talk to him about was that I always want to keep in touch and at least be friends if nothing else. Tonight I realized that won’t be possible. He always talks about his muscles and the stupid pills…I just want to slap him. I can’t believe this person I loved so much, the person I honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with…I can’t believe I have to let it all go and pretend like nothing ever happened. My life is hard without Jordan in it, but to tell you the truth, it’s becoming even harder when he is in my life because he isn’t the same person. Well it’s 2:00 in the morning and I have to wake up early to go to work. Hopefully Rob and I will get to hang out tomorrow.
Commentary: I had forgotten how much drama was stirred up by AIM profiles and away messages. It definitely was a good source of information for me at the time to find out clues about what Jordan was really up to.