My 20-Year Diary

I will be posting 20 years of my diary entries, ages 8-28, from 1993-2014!

I Feel Like More When I’m With Him — June 17, 2017

I Feel Like More When I’m With Him

11/29/03:  I’ve been at ISU for almost a whole semester now and its been going okay. Right now my parents and I are in the car driving back home. We went to visit my brother for Thanksgiving – he lives in Nashville. I suppose I should tell you about Carson. This guy is seriously the love of my life. We met during the first weekend that I was at ISU, back in mid-August. We have actually been dating for the past two months and six days…yes, I know what you’re thinking. There’s no way I can be in love with him after such a short time. I didn’t want to believe it either, but it just happened. The only other person I’ve had similar feelings for was Jordan. Speaking of Jordan, we didn’t talk or see each other for about 7 or 8 months, then I randomly stopped by his house a few days ago. It was kind of a goodbye because he’s just about to leave for the Marines. Jordan was such a huge part of my life for a long time and it hurts that we weren’t able to at least stay friends. Oh well. After seeing him, I realized we are two completely different people now and Carson is truly the guy for me. I think one reason I love him so much is because he is one of the few people that can even begin to understand me. I have never been in the situation before where I have to deal with a long distance relationship some of the time. I’ve been home for a week because of Thanksgiving, and Carson came from Chicago (Buffalo Grove) to my house on Sunday around 4:00 PM and left Tuesday around 6:00 PM. I think this trip and being around him nonstop for the past couple days has really helped us get to know each other better. We got closer and our relationship feels stronger. Let’s take my friend Cara and her boyfriend, for example. They have been going out on and off for about a year now and she tells me she loves him. Honestly, she never sees him. He lives back at home and we are at ISU, plus he has a job where he works like 20 hours a day. He even moved to Texas for a few months at one point. They don’t even talk on the phone all that much, but it’s okay for them to love each other because it’s almost been a year. So then think about me living five minutes away from Carson at ISU. We see each other pretty much every day and I stay the night there a lot of the time. We have spent more time together already than Cara and her boyfriend have, so my point is, how long you’ve been with someone isn’t everything. When I’m away from Carson, it’s incredible how much I miss him. I want to tell my parents, or whoever happens to be around me, all about Chris and how much I love him, but I can’t because no one understands. They say it’s too soon for the word love.  All because of the time thing. That just makes me want to be with him even more because he’s the only one who understands how I feel. It’s not easy to be in a relationship where you don’t feel exactly the same way the other person does. Sometimes one likes the other person more and that can be why it doesn’t work out. But with Carson, I know we feel exactly the same way about each other. I can remember the night he left my house just a few days ago after staying over two nights. Right when he pulled out of my driveway, I started feeling so lonely and empty inside. I hate that. He’s said this before about me and I’ll say it now, but I really feel like more when I’m with him. If he isn’t my soulmate, I don’t know who the hell could be. And yes, I realize I said the whole soulmate thing about Jordan too, but it’s definitely different this time. Even from the first few weeks we were together, I knew Carson was someone I could trust and would watch out for me at parties or whatever the situation was. There aren’t many guys like that in college. I could go on and on about how great of a guy he is. He goes to church every Sunday, even if he has to walk two miles in the snow. I don’t know many college students who would do that. I can’t even tell you how depressed I was at the beginning of the school year. I didn’t know anyone and Cara and I weren’t getting along. I felt like I had no one. All the friends I had in high school went to different colleges and were long gone. I didn’t like being an hour away from home and my cat. So one night, I prayed to God and told him how much I needed someone to be there for me or else I wasn’t going to make it. Later during the week is when Carson and I hung out for the first time alone and really hit it off. On Thanksgiving this year, I was especially thankful for Carson. School is really stressful, but at least I have him to help me through it. After he stayed at my house, we both agreed that is exactly how we want to spend the rest of our lives. Just being together whenever possible. I would go into the guest room to wake him up in the morning and snuggle with him, then we would drive around and stop anywhere if we needed something. Then we would go back to my parents’ house, cook dinner, and watch movies until we couldn’t keep our eyes open anymore. Then I would tuck him in bed, say I love you and goodnight. Well here we are at the last page of another diary. It’s hard to write in a car, so that’s all I’m going to say. I just can’t wait to get back to ISU tomorrow so I can see Carson!

Commentary: I think I talk more about this in the next diary entry, but my best friend and I attempted to be roommates once we arrived at ISU. Long story short, it didn’t work out. That first semester of college was one of the most difficult periods of my life. I was drinking and partying a little too much, my grades were suffering, my best friend and I weren’t getting along, and overall, I was making some pretty bad choices. I was confused about what I wanted to do with my life and wasn’t even sure if college was the right place for me. Fortunately, I met Carson the first weekend of college and can honestly say that without him, I would have never graduated. I don’t even think I would’ve made it to my sophomore year. I will always be grateful for our relationship and him pulling me out of a really dark place. 

No Cavities :) — June 15, 2017

No Cavities :)

08/13/03 – 12:14 AM:  Today is my last day living in this house! Tomorrow morning, I move into the dorms at ISU. I have so many mixed emotions running through me. I actually did hang out with Chad last week and it was great, but that was basically my goodbye to him. I have to close that door and keep it closed! No more going back. I went to the dentist this week and had no cavities, so I’m happy about that. I’ve been trying to decide lately whether or not I should say goodbye to Jordan. It’s really hard because he was such a huge part of my life. Now he’ll be in the Marines, I’ll be at ISU, and we really won’t be able to see each other anymore. It seems like he’s so into Isabelle he doesn’t even know that I’m about to move, let alone care. I don’t know what I’m gonna do…I might call him tomorrow. Rob came over today to say bye to me. I actually will miss him, believe it or not. Out of every guy friend I have, Rob probably knows me the best at the moment. He is the only one I talk to every day, besides my friend Cara. It seems like he genuinely cares and listens to me whenever I need to talk, so that’s been really nice. Lately I’ve been packing and preparing myself for college life. Well I better get to bed, tomorrow will be a very busy day!

Commentary: I can’t believe its already been ten years since I graduated from college. I swear, time keeps going by faster and faster the older I get!


I Went to a Frat Party, Woo Hoo! — June 3, 2017

I Went to a Frat Party, Woo Hoo!

07/29/03:  So much has happened since the last time I wrote in here. It’s been over a month! Time to play catch up. On June 20th, I had a fun 18th birthday. I hung out with friends at Stone Country. I went to Illinois State University on the 7th or 8th of July for Preview. I spent the night there, went to a bunch of meetings, and also went to a frat party, woo hoo!  It was a lot of fun because I met so many wonderful people, and I feel much more comfortable about going to ISU now. Oh, and I recently had to go to the gyno for the first time ever for a checkup. I have always dreaded doing that, but it wasn’t all that bad. I’ll tell you what’s going on with Jordan. Isabelle always told me that she didn’t like him and would never go out with him, but that was a bunch of crap because they have been going out for awhile now. I can’t even explain how I feel about that, among other things. I try to talk to him sometimes, but apparently he is in love with Isabelle now. He is 19 and she is 15 years old. I think Jordan gets infatuated with people easily, but it isn’t love. After looking back on everything, maybe that’s all it was with me. I actually really did love him, though. When I found out that he and Isabelle are together, I just couldn’t believe it. He lied to me so many times. One day, I had him over to swim in my pool and he asked if I had a boyfriend. I said, “No, why? Do you have a girlfriend?” and he told me no. Then I noticed he was acting strange…not wanting to hug me and wouldn’t let me sit on his lap. I didn’t worry about it too much because he’s weird like that sometimes. So the next day, Isabelle talked to me online and said, “Oh, did you know Jordan and I are together?” I was like, “No way, he told me yesterday he didn’t have a girlfriend.” Then I confronted Jordan and he claimed that he didn’t answer when I asked him about it. Whatever, he lied. Then he got mad at me and said I should have figured it out since he wouldn’t let me sit on his lap. Ugh. So after all that happened, I decided that was it. Jordan needs to be totally and completely out of my life. I have always been hurt or upset over things he has done in the past, but it all added up and this was the last straw. You have no clue what he has done to me emotionally. One time I was in a chatroom with him and Isabelle and she said something right in front of me about how she didn’t understand how Jordan and I had such a wonderful relationship and then it got so bad. He responded by saying, “Isabelle, I told you. I hated it so much, she controlled me.” Then once Isabelle left the chatroom, Jordan talked to me and said, “Oh, I didn’t really hate our relationship, it was really great for awhile.” But of course he could never let Isabelle know that. For the first time, Jordan is not a part of me and never will be again. It doesn’t upset me too much because I feel like the whole thing wasn’t real anyway and I can do so much better. I learned a hell of a lot through all of this and grew up a lot too, so it’s all good. Jordan has decided to join the Marines, so I’ll probably never see or talk to him again.

Anyway, let’s talk about Chad. I still think about him every day (don’t know why) and call him every once in awhile, but he’ll either ditch me or not call back. I don’t know what his problem is. All I want to do is see him one last time since he is moving to Florida soon and I’m leaving for ISU in two short weeks. We haven’t hung out all summer, but it would be nice to see him because he always puts me in a good mood and for some reason, I have always felt chemistry between us. I think I’m going to ask him to hang out Saturday night and if he thinks he has something better to do, that will really prove he doesn’t care. This is seriously his last chance. He still calls me “babe” or “hun” on the phone, so he still acts like he likes me. Hmmm. Then there’s Rob. We have been hanging out more and I’m just glad to have someone there for me who’s been understanding. Remember Josh from TN? Well he’s back now. When I found out he came back, I almost cried because I was so happy and missed him so much. We hung out a few times and it was nice to see him again. This whole summer I’ve been bummed about Jordan, so I really needed something to make me happy again. Even though I like him, there’s no way I want to start a relationship since I’m leaving for ISU soon and won’t ever be able to see him. I have class during the day and he works every night. He wrote me a really sweet letter and I’m going to write him back to tell him how I feel. Well it’s getting late, so I’m gonna go to bed. I’ll try to keep this thing more up to date so I don’t have to write such long entries.

Commentary: I still remember that very strange chatroom conversation where they were talking about me as if I wasn’t there. Thank goodness I’m about to leave for college at this point in my diary and will have different topics to write about. I’ll never forget going to Preview at ISU. It was basically a two-day orientation where you tour the campus, go to different meetings/activities, and spend the night in the dorms. Although it ended up going pretty well, I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous in my life. I’m not the most social person, so being dropped off an hour away from home, not knowing anyone, and having to do team building and “get to know you” type of activities, terrified me. You were actually supposed to spend the first day with your parents, but somehow there was a misunderstanding. I’m not sure if my parents weren’t aware of that or if they didn’t want to go, but my dad just dropped me off. While everyone else was off doing things with their parents, I was hiding out in my dorm room feeling extremely awkward. Eventually, I met a girl who was nice enough to let me tag along with her and her parents. The whole thing still makes my stomach hurt when I think about it. As you may have noticed by now, I keep a lot of random stuff from my past and today’s photo is of the name tag I wore at Preview.  

I Honestly Didn’t Want to Leave — June 1, 2017

I Honestly Didn’t Want to Leave

06/09/03:  I just talked to Isabelle online and in her profile she has all this stuff like, “I love you Jordan, wow, what a man” or something. So I IMed her and was like, “Just admit that you want Jordan,” and she said, “No, I don’t like him like that.” Umm whatever. Then she added something else about how some girl at the mall where he works likes Lebanese guys, so he gave her his number! Just a week ago he said he wanted to be with me. It’s just so frustrating because he has totally changed. He lies about everything now. I need to realize that he doesn’t really care about me, even though he says he does. Isabelle always rubs stuff like that in my face. For the past week, Jordan hasn’t called, returned my calls, or stopped by my house, so I knew something had to be up. He always ignores and avoids me when another girl is in the picture. Then when there are none, he likes me again. Today I talked to Rob online and we decided to meet up at a park in Sunnyland. We swung on the swings and even went down the pink slide. It was beautiful outside and we had fun. We even took a walk through the woods, and I honestly didn’t want to leave. I highly doubt we will ever end up dating, but he is fun to be around and I’ll definitely continue being his friend. Well I’m gonna go for now.

06/15/03:  Life really sucks right now. Jordan and I didn’t talk for about two weeks, and it has been hard for me to deal with. One of the biggest reasons is because it’s summer now and everything I do reminds me of last summer when Jordan and I went swimming in my pool and went to the fair…we were together then, and everything was so perfect. My mom has been renting a lot of movies lately and I’ve sat down and watched some by myself. Of course they are all about love, which really makes me think of Jordan. It’s weird because I’ve dated other guys and liked other guys, but still only think of Jordan when it comes to love. Anyway, he actually came over to my house tonight. I really wanted to tell him how I feel, but couldn’t do it. It is so incredibly hard for me to be around him now. He has changed so much. When we started dating, his muscles weren’t that big and he didn’t have much confidence, so at the time I was probably the best looking girl he could get. Well now he’s been taking pills to make his muscles bigger, works out a lot, and buys tons of new clothes from American Eagle and Abercrombie just to look cool and fit in. I guess he thinks he can get a better looking girl now. Even though he would try to deny it, I know that’s how it is. Even if I did something to make myself look better, or even got plastic surgery, I would still want to be with Jordan. So as we were talking, he said all this stuff about how he is probably going to move to either Pekin, IL or Florida, then he said in a year he will definitely be in Detroit. I just don’t know what to think. One of the things I wanted to talk to him about was that I always want to keep in touch and at least be friends if nothing else. Tonight I realized that won’t be possible. He always talks about his muscles and the stupid pills…I just want to slap him. I can’t believe this person I loved so much, the person I honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with…I can’t believe I have to let it all go and pretend like nothing ever happened. My life is hard without Jordan in it, but to tell you the truth, it’s becoming even harder when he is in my life because he isn’t the same person. Well it’s 2:00 in the morning and I have to wake up early to go to work. Hopefully Rob and I will get to hang out tomorrow.

Commentary: I had forgotten how much drama was stirred up by AIM profiles and away messages. It definitely was a good source of information for me at the time to find out clues about what Jordan was really up to.

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