06/08/03 (Sunday): This week has been pretty hectic for me. I’ve had to wake up around 9 or 10 in the morning for the past five days to go to work. It sucked because I’ve been sick since Thursday. Anyway, my graduation was on Wednesday, May 28th, and I ended up crying. I was upset because I had hoped somehow Jordan would show up and when he didn’t, it really made me realize that things with him and I are over and I’ll probably never see him again once I leave for college. Soon my mom is going to make me go to a gynecologist for an exam. My period is never consistent, and my cramps are so bad that it will sometimes make me throw up. I’m really scared the doctors are going to tell me there’s something wrong with me, like I can’t have kids or something. Seriously, if you only knew how painful my cramps are every month…there HAS to be something wrong. I’m scared and don’t want to think about it. On Friday night, I hung out with Paul and Nick. We went to Marci’s Pizza for awhile to play pool. Brian called to tell me that he ended up having to go back to Iraq, so he won’t be coming home this summer. I was actually looking forward to him coming back. Josh from Tennessee ~ well, we don’t really talk anymore. His brother told me that Josh moved out and lives with friends, so I can’t write him letters anymore. I really do miss him when I actually sit down and think about it, which I rarely let myself do. Moving on to Jordan – we haven’t talked in about a week. We got to the point of hanging out again, but then stopped talking. I don’t really want to call him because he hasn’t been stopping by my house lately, which means he most definitely has been with Isabelle. That’s not something I want to hear about. Anyway! I had a dream about Chad last night. I called him today since we haven’t talked in a long time and haven’t seen each other in months. I miss him, but at the same time don’t want to get close and end up getting hurt again. Sometimes I feel like I’m never going to find my soulmate. I thought my soulmate was Jordan, but clearly I was wrong. No guy even comes close to someone I would want to be with in the long run. I really did have strong feelings for Chad, but no matter how hard you try to change someone, you just can’t. Chad will be Chad. I’ve still been talking to Rob, but he never calls when he says he will and always has an excuse to not hang out. It’s just frustrating. Hmmm, I give up for now.
Commentary: My goodness was I boy crazy. Why the heck was I so worried about finding my soulmate when I was only 17?