05/26/03 (Memorial Day): I don’t know what’s been wrong with me lately, but I’m just not happy anymore. I am totally unmotivated and lazy – never feel like doing anything, and I don’t care about anything anymore. On Sunday night, Jordan stopped by my house to tell me something. Apparently he was going to end it all and seriously say goodbye to me, but he said when he saw how beautiful I looked or whatever he just couldn’t do it. So then he acted like he wanted me back and I really didn’t know if I should buy into it. I said we could hang out tonight, but when he came over my sister told him I wasn’t here even though she knew I was. She didn’t even ask me if I wanted to talk to him! So I called him and we talked, but not about anything important. He told me to call him later if I wanted to hang out, but I didn’t. This whole situation really sucks. I want to at least be friends with him or have him in my life in some way, but it hurts too much now. He isn’t the same person, and I can’t even look at him the same way. I invited him to my graduation awhile ago, but he probably won’t come. I was supposed to send out my graduation announcements, but never did. We spent so much money on those things, but I really could care less right now. My friend Ian and I were supposed to hang out tonight. He said he would call me right back to tell me when he was coming over, but he never called of course. The only time in my life when I was actually happy was when Jordan and I were together, and now I can’t get that back. Sometimes I treat other people badly, like Paul, and it’s all because of Jordan. He has really changed me and I hate it. Sometimes I think I want to start dating someone, but I’m sick of starting something and having it get all messed up. Well my life is too depressing to think about, so I’m just gonna go to bed.
Commentary: Can’t really blame treating other people badly on anyone other than myself. I still have those darn graduation announcements!!