My 20-Year Diary

I will be posting 20 years of my diary entries, ages 8-28, from 1993-2014!

Sometimes I Feel Like I’m Never Going to Find My Soulmate — May 31, 2017

Sometimes I Feel Like I’m Never Going to Find My Soulmate

06/08/03 (Sunday):  This week has been pretty hectic for me. I’ve had to wake up around 9 or 10 in the morning for the past five days to go to work. It sucked because I’ve been sick since Thursday.  Anyway, my graduation was on Wednesday, May 28th, and I ended up crying. I was upset because I had hoped somehow Jordan would show up and when he didn’t, it really made me realize that things with him and I are over and I’ll probably never see him again once I leave for college. Soon my mom is going to make me go to a gynecologist for an exam. My period is never consistent, and my cramps are so bad that it will sometimes make me throw up. I’m really scared the doctors are going to tell me there’s something wrong with me, like I can’t have kids or something. Seriously, if you only knew how painful my cramps are every month…there HAS to be something wrong. I’m scared and don’t want to think about it. On Friday night, I hung out with Paul and Nick. We went to Marci’s Pizza for awhile to play pool. Brian called to tell me that he ended up having to go back to Iraq, so he won’t be coming home this summer. I was actually looking forward to him coming back. Josh from Tennessee ~ well, we don’t really talk anymore. His brother told me that Josh moved out and lives with friends, so I can’t write him letters anymore. I really do miss him when I actually sit down and think about it, which I rarely let myself do. Moving on to Jordan – we haven’t talked in about a week. We got to the point of hanging out again, but then stopped talking. I don’t really want to call him because he hasn’t been stopping by my house lately, which means he most definitely has been with Isabelle. That’s not something I want to hear about. Anyway! I had a dream about Chad last night. I called him today since we haven’t talked in a long time and haven’t seen each other in months. I miss him, but at the same time don’t want to get close and end up getting hurt again. Sometimes I feel like I’m never going to find my soulmate. I thought my soulmate was Jordan, but clearly I was wrong. No guy even comes close to someone I would want to be with in the long run. I really did have strong feelings for Chad, but no matter how hard you try to change someone, you just can’t. Chad will be Chad. I’ve still been talking to Rob, but he never calls when he says he will and always has an excuse to not hang out. It’s just frustrating. Hmmm, I give up for now.

Commentary: My goodness was I boy crazy. Why the heck was I so worried about finding my soulmate when I was only 17?

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He Isn’t the Same Person — May 25, 2017

He Isn’t the Same Person

05/26/03 (Memorial Day):  I don’t know what’s been wrong with me lately, but I’m just not happy anymore. I am totally unmotivated and lazy – never feel like doing anything, and I don’t care about anything anymore. On Sunday night, Jordan stopped by my house to tell me something. Apparently he was going to end it all and seriously say goodbye to me, but he said when he saw how beautiful I looked or whatever he just couldn’t do it. So then he acted like he wanted me back and I really didn’t know if I should buy into it. I said we could hang out tonight, but when he came over my sister told him I wasn’t here even though she knew I was. She didn’t even ask me if I wanted to talk to him! So I called him and we talked, but not about anything important. He told me to call him later if I wanted to hang out, but I didn’t. This whole situation really sucks. I want to at least be friends with him or have him in my life in some way, but it hurts too much now. He isn’t the same person, and I can’t even look at him the same way. I invited him to my graduation awhile ago, but he probably won’t come. I was supposed to send out my graduation announcements, but never did. We spent so much money on those things, but I really could care less right now. My friend Ian and I were supposed to hang out tonight. He said he would call me right back to tell me when he was coming over, but he never called of course. The only time in my life when I was actually happy was when Jordan and I were together, and now I can’t get that back. Sometimes I treat other people badly, like Paul, and it’s all because of Jordan. He has really changed me and I hate it. Sometimes I think I want to start dating someone, but I’m sick of starting something and having it get all messed up. Well my life is too depressing to think about, so I’m just gonna go to bed.

Commentary: Can’t really blame treating other people badly on anyone other than myself. I still have those darn graduation announcements!! 

Those Were the Exact Words I Didn’t Want to Hear but Knew Were Coming — May 24, 2017

Those Were the Exact Words I Didn’t Want to Hear but Knew Were Coming

05/24/03:  I haven’t written in about two weeks and a lot has happened. First of all, I graduate from high school on Wednesday the 28th and I just can’t believe it! I’ve grown up so fast. Friday was my last day of school and I thought I would be sad and cry, but somehow I managed not to. I think I was too tired, plus I already cried the night before over Jordan. I’ll tell you the whole story. Ok, Jordan kept telling me how he wanted to go back out with me and everything and I didn’t know whether to believe him or not. I went to prom with my friend Brandon only because Jordan didn’t want to go. Well later he tells me that some freshman girl asked him to go and he said yes. First of all, it’s the junior/senior prom, so I highly doubt the girl asked him. I talked to her online one day, and she said Jordan had asked her back in January or February to go to prom. Apparently this girl is a really big Christian, so I believed her. When I confronted Jordan about it, he said that he didn’t remember telling me that she was the one who asked him. I really freaked out on him because it wasn’t like it happened a long time ago, so I knew he HAD to remember what he told me. He had nothing else to say. I have known about him and this Isabelle girl for awhile now because another girl from their school told me the two of them were always together and everyone thought they were going out. When I asked Jordan, he said that him and Isabelle are just friends and it’s so gross to think they would be anything more than friends because of the age difference (it’s also illegal). Jordan will be 19 years old this week and Isabelle is like 15. Her brother is really good friends with Jordan, so that’s how he met her. Anyway, Jordan will very convincingly tell me so many times that he doesn’t like Isabelle like that at all and she is just a good friend. I asked if he ever hangs out with her outside of school and he said sometimes he goes over to her house to hang out with her brother and she will just be there. Oh, and apparently she is like a model or something. Ross told me she is “kinda hot.” UGH! All Jordan cares about are looks. So basically, I didn’t know what to think or who to believe for the longest time. Well prom didn’t happen, and Isabelle didn’t go with Jordan because he got suspended from school and wasn’t allowed to buy tickets. Then Jordan acted like he could have found a way to buy tickets but decided not to because he cares about me and wants to be with me. A few weeks ago I went over to his house and he gave me a hug and started crying and told me a bunch of BS about how he loves me, always has, and it’s the best feeling when he holds me in his arms, blah blah…

A few months ago I just might have bought that. When he told me this time, my response was just, “Hmmm, ok.”  I remember the whole thing with Beth. Everyone kept telling me that he really liked her and wrote her love letters, and then he told me that he only liked her as a friend and denied ever writing her notes or going over to her house. Then I found out he asked her to homecoming and lied to me about the whole thing. Jordan always says one thing and does another. He gives me a bunch of crap about how he wants to go back out, but then he never calls me, never returns my calls, never tries to make plans, never comes over, he never does anything! So then I heard from Isabelle that Jordan goes over to her house a lot when her brother isn’t even there. One day they went to the mall together and spent the rest of the evening/night hanging out and she pierced his ear for him…It makes me go seriously crazy to think about all this. It hurts because I know he would never spend a whole day and night with me anymore. So then I talked to Isabelle just because she kept leaving me messages about how she really had to talk to me. She told me Jordan took her to Steak-n-Shake one night and told her that he has had feelings for her for the past two months. I really wanted to die when I heard that. I was so upset and hurting so incredibly badly. You have no clue how many times Jordan told me he didn’t like her like that and wanted to be with me and loved me, then at the same time he tells her the exact opposite. I know guys that do this kind of thing, like Chad for example, but it is totally not like Jordan to lie so many times and play these games. I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. So then I confronted him about it, and he was like, “Oh, she said that huh,” and tried to act like she was lying, but in the end screwed it up for himself and basically admitted it. This is what always happens – he’ll lie about something and I’ll find out about it, then I’ll tell him I know what’s going on and he will lie even more until he finally gives in, but then blames the whole thing on me. He goes back to how I hung out with Chad and Ross. For the longest time I told Jordan how I wanted to be with him and all he had to do was ask and we could be together again, but he would never do it. I gave him a chance and he didn’t take it, so I started hanging out with other guys because that was a lot easier than hurting every day and wondering if he was ever going to call. So now I have decided that this has gone on long enough. I can’t let him do this to me anymore. He still has my Deftones shirt and my Incubus CD, so I need to get those back and then stop talking to him for good. It seems like every time I say, “I want nothing to do with you now please leave me alone”, the harder he tries to go out with me. Then, the second I start acting like I care again is when he will avoid me. Maybe it’s one of those things where you want what you can’t have. I went to Shopko a few days ago and was looking around at stuff when I came across this body spray for men that’s called BOD. I remember when Jordan and I first started going out, we would ride around in the backseat of Brent’s car and Brent would spray that BOD spray all over, so I was smelling it for the first time since then and almost started crying. My eyes got all teary. It just reminded me of one of the best times of my life, before all the bad stuff happened. I called Jordan tonight because he told me he wanted to talk to me face to face on Sunday night, but since I wasn’t busy tonight, I thought we could switch it to tonight. Brent and I just now talked online, and he said he stopped over at Jordan’s house tonight. I asked if Jordan was home because I left a message on his answering machine since he wasn’t answering. Brent said that he was home and was there with Isabelle. Those were the exact words I didn’t want to hear but knew were coming. It seems like when I think of the worst case scenario, that’s exactly what ends up happening. Funny, huh? I can’t believe all of this. I cried every day for months when the whole Beth thing was happening, but this is worse. The thing that really upsets me is the fact that Isabelle will talk to me online and tell me to get back with Jordan because he needs a girlfriend. She tells me he cares about me so much and she can tell he really wants me back, but every time they hang out, she will rub it in my face. Or put stuff in her AIM profile about how sweet Jordan is, or put up an away message saying how Jordan is over and she is piercing his ear and he is going to look hot like Eminem, yet she tells me “Oh, I have a boyfriend and I don’t like Jordan at all.” Yeah right! Brent just told me that Isabelle was Miss Illinois or something, so basically she is hotter than me. Jordan knows he can’t get any hot girls his age because no one wants him, so he goes for dumb freshman girls who don’t have a clue. Brent keeps telling me things like, “he really does care about you, though.” Yeah right. The thing that makes me feel a little bit better is the fact that Jordan did horribly on his ACT, won’t be able to afford college, plus can’t get into any colleges because no one wants someone who is as dumb as a monkey. He will probably be living in a cardboard box pretty soon because his stepdad is kicking him out of the house at the end of summer. He does have a job, but he’s such an idiot that he goes out to Abercrombie and Fitch or American Eagle and buys ridiculously expensive clothing just to look good for stupid Isabelle. He probably even buys her stuff too. I’m not too worried about her because once she grows up she will realize Jordan is nothing and will never be anything, and if she is so good looking she should be able to find someone a lot better. I have definitely learned so much about life, love, and myself through all of this. Now I know not to make the same mistake again. Well enough about that!

I am kind of seeing someone at the moment and you won’t believe who…ok, it’s Paul. I don’t even really like him all that much. We never hang out and don’t even act like we’re dating. He just always tells me that if we started dating again, we would never fight and things would be totally different. I wanted to prove him wrong. Brian comes home from the war next week, and if the whole thing with Paul and I isn’t over before then, it will be when Brian gets here. Paul wants me to choose between him and Brian because apparently I’m not allowed to be friends or anything with Paul if I’m also talking to Brian. I’ll do what I want though. I have the biggest hand cramp and my writing is extremely sloppy, but I can’t stop yet because I have to tell you about two more guys. Oh yeah, and not to mention it’s after 1:00 in the morning now and I have to wake up at 8:30 to be at work by 10:00! Ok, first Chad. Last night I went to Stone Country and was sad because that place makes me miss him so much, however I have finally realized and accepted the way he is. I could never have him to myself…I don’t think any girl ever could. Ross…hmmm, not too much to say about him – moving on – Rob. He’s some guy I met through mutual friends and we have been talking a lot lately. He is almost 24 years old, so that’s quite a bit older than me. I’m not expecting anything to happen between us, but he is someone I enjoy talking to. He called me today and is going to call tomorrow. Usually we just talk online, but we are planning on getting together sometime in the next few weeks. He just moved out of his parents’ house and into his own. Alright well I think I’m going to go to bed now that I’ve gotten things off my mind and onto paper.

Commentary: Some of what I said in this diary entry might seem harsh, but in my defense, I went through a lot with that whole ordeal and was lied to a ton. I didn’t go to my junior prom, so all I wanted for senior prom was to go with someone I cared a lot about, aka Jordan. Since he wasn’t willing to go, I had to make last minute arrangements to go with someone I barely knew. You can see the disappointment on my face in all of my prom pictures. I invited Jordan to my graduation ceremony since we went to different schools, and I can remember thinking that if he showed up, it meant that he still cared about me and there was hope for us. If he didn’t show up, that meant he had basically made his choice and was choosing the other girl over me. I remember looking for him in the crowd and for some reason, really thought I’d see him. Once the ceremony was over and I met with my family, reality set in – he wasn’t there. I began sobbing uncontrollably as I realized it really was the end for us, while everyone else around me thought I was just sad about graduating from high school. Anyway, it all worked out in the end and I have no hard feelings toward either one of them (they ended up getting married). I never did get my Deftones shirt or Incubus CD back! I just realized the date on this entry is 5/24/03 and today is 5/24/17 – crazy!

There Isn’t Any Guy I Like More Than a Friend — May 22, 2017

There Isn’t Any Guy I Like More Than a Friend

May 2003:  I just read my last entry, and it’s kind of sad because I haven’t seen Chad since that one time at Stone. I called when he was actually home, so we talked for a little bit. I’m pretty much over him though because he never gets online anymore and I don’t wait around for him to because I know it won’t happen. Ross and I are friends I guess, but we don’t really talk too much anymore. Jordan says he wants to go back out with me, but I don’t think I can trust him!! As of right now there really isn’t any guy that I like more than a friend. Brian sent me a letter and some money from Iraq. In the letter and as we have talked over the phone, he’s made it pretty clear that when he comes home in 15 days he wants us to have some kind of relationship. He is really nice and has a good sense of humor, but honestly I don’t want to date someone who is in the Marines. He’s just going to have to move back to California soon anyway. Ugh! I don’t know what to do, but I have a constitution test I seriously need to study for.

Commentary: All these years later and I still have that money from Iraq! 

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