broken heart

02/05/03:  I’m depressed. I’ve always felt like at least one person cared about me, usually Jordan, but now I feel so alone and like no one cares about me anymore. Well, Paul might, but I don’t feel the same way about him as he feels about me. If I was ever fighting with Jordan, I could always talk to Chad and he would make me feel better. Tonight I realized that Chad truly doesn’t care about me. He never responded to my email, so I will never know how he really felt or what he thought about what I said. Plus, he got online earlier today and didn’t IM me. Whatever, I didn’t even do anything wrong. It really hurts to think about how everything used to be. It seemed like he cared so much and now all of a sudden he doesn’t seem to care about me at all, yet I still care about him. Oh well, I still love Jordan more than anyone. Jordan called me a few minutes ago and now I’m upset after talking to him. Valentine’s Day is next Friday and we were planning on hanging out because that is like the most important day of the year for us – it’s the day he first asked me out. He had been giving me hints like he was going to ask me back out on Valentine’s Day. Now he says he will probably go to Southern University and party with friends for four days, Thursday-Monday. That really upsets me. So yeah, add Jordan to the list of people who could care less about me. Brian still won’t talk to me, and I can’t write anymore because I’m too sad.

P.S. – I got accepted to Bradley University.

02/15/03:  Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and probably one of the most depressing days of my life. It would have been my two year anniversary with Jordan if we were still together. We had been getting along fine, but this past week it’s like he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. I didn’t even do anything wrong. We said we would hang out on V-day, but instead, he hung out with Tim. Jordan’s parents went out of town for the weekend, so you would think I would be one of the first people he would invite over. He had a party last night and one tonight and made it clear to me that he didn’t want me there. I will never forgive him for doing this. The whole night I cried because I remember the night two years ago when he first asked me out. It seemed like it was just yesterday…I’ll never forget it. I remember after he left that night I cried because I was so happy, and now he just uses me and doesn’t care that we are both going off to different colleges and probably won’t ever see each other again. I made him a CD as a present for V-day and not only does he not get me anything, but he won’t even let me come over. I honestly wonder if other girls are over there. I mean, anyone could spend the night since his parents are gone. I don’t even want to think about it. When I talked to him on the phone, he tried to blame me by saying that I had been talking to Chad. So what? He stalked Beth, wrote her love letters, and went to homecoming with someone else! I wish I could get over Jordan for good, but he was the first and only guy I’ve ever truly loved. We were inseparable for so long. After last night it’s apparent that he doesn’t care about me, so I have to move on, otherwise I’ll just get hurt again. He actually had the nerve to tell me that the reason why he picks his friends over me all the time now is because in the past when we were together, I took up all of his time and he had to give up his other friends. He also said that I would make him stay over until midnight. He made it sound like he didn’t even want to be with me for long periods of time. First of all, I was his girlfriend and we go to different schools, so obviously I would want to see him as much as I could. Anyway, I’m not going to talk about him anymore. Next year I’ll be at ISU and he won’t know my dorm room number and I haven’t given him my new cell phone number, so he won’t be able to get ahold of me!

Commentary: Having to officially end things with your first love is definitely tough. Luckily, college was right around the corner and I was able to move an hour away and start a whole new life.