My 20-Year Diary

I will be posting 20 years of my diary entries, ages 8-28, from 1993-2014!

Get Over It — January 25, 2017

Get Over It

shy

02/16/03:  Today I went over to Cara’s house to play with her new golden retriever puppy. Chad finally answered my email and we are cool with each other now, but Nick still likes to get in the middle and ruin things. All because I refused his advances a long time ago! Get over it. Tonight Cara, her boyfriend, and this John guy, who I don’t know very well, went to see a movie called Final Destination 2, which was just okay. John paid for me, and I was told by Cara’s boyfriend that John apparently really likes me. He calls my cell phone pretty much every day, but I haven’t made any effort to talk to him because I don’t need any more guys in my life at this point. Ok, gotta go do homework.

02/28/03:  I just looked at my yearbook from freshman year, and believe it or not, I actually teared up. Not cried, but my eyes were watering. It just hit me that I’m a senior and soon I’ll go off to college and start a whole new life and will never see any of the people I went to high school with again. There were lots of people I totally forgot about going to school with. Ahhh the memories. Today at school we had to vote on what our class flower, song, colors, and all that jazz is going to be. Graduation is going to get here before I know it…finally I’ll be free! On one hand, it will be nice to turn 18, be an adult, and do whatever I want, but on the other hand, I’ll be saying goodbye to my childhood and won’t get things handed to me anymore. Anyway, I thought hard about the whole Jordan situation and came up with the following conclusion. Next year I probably won’t see or talk to him at all, so right now I’m going to forget whatever happened in the past and just have fun with him while I can. He is the only guy I could honestly say I would want to marry. He has been sick lately with bronchitis and has to use an inhaler. Tonight he came over and we watched a movie on TV and talked. I actually felt, for the first time in a very long time, like he still loves me and cares about me a lot, so that was nice. Josh from TN is supposedly coming back in a couple weeks to move in with his friend. He recently wrote me an email saying that I’m a big part of the reason why he’s moving. He probably won’t even really move here. He has lied to me in the past about things and I’ve found that he isn’t very reliable. I really don’t think him and I will ever be anything more than friends. So yeah, Jordan and I started talking and hanging out again. Now I’ll talk about Chad. He keeps getting himself in trouble and most of it has to do with alcohol. He would be so much better if he just didn’t drink! The problem is that he can’t control his drinking. He gets so drunk that he has no idea what he’s doing. For example, he called my house phone at 4:00am on a school night, woke my parents up, and a few days later when I asked him about it, he didn’t even remember calling. He just gets way too drunk. Right now I can guarantee he is drunk and dancing all over some girl at Stone Country. Why do I still like this idiot, may you ask? Well, I don’t really like him anymore. He can be the sweetest guy and most hilarious person when he wants to be, but I can’t deal with the drinking thing, so I’m gonna back off. Last night he did leave me a message online saying that he still loved me, which was surprising because he doesn’t say that anymore. Then I thought for a split second that maybe he meant it and really does care, but then I came to my senses and realized that he’s just full of it. Well my hand hurts really bad from writing and I want to sing this next song, so bye!

Commentary: Why was I sad about the thought of never seeing anyone from my high school again when 98% of the people I hung out with didn’t even go to my school? I remember the class song we chose was “No Such Thing” by John Mayer, which seems pretty fitting. I still remember that 4:00am drunk dial. Today’s photo is one I found in my high school yearbook. Apparently I was considered the shyest female in my graduating class of 2003 (they asked me to do that awkward pose). By the way, the reason I’ve been MIA lately is because I’ve been working on my book, “Artifacts of a ’90s Kid” that comes out later this year. I finished writing it, submitted it to my editor, and it’s currently in the editing phase! Follow “Artifacts of a ’90s Kid” for more updates and like this post if you want me to blog more! 🙂

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I Can’t Write Anymore Because I’m Too Sad — January 8, 2017

I Can’t Write Anymore Because I’m Too Sad

broken heart

02/05/03:  I’m depressed. I’ve always felt like at least one person cared about me, usually Jordan, but now I feel so alone and like no one cares about me anymore. Well, Paul might, but I don’t feel the same way about him as he feels about me. If I was ever fighting with Jordan, I could always talk to Chad and he would make me feel better. Tonight I realized that Chad truly doesn’t care about me. He never responded to my email, so I will never know how he really felt or what he thought about what I said. Plus, he got online earlier today and didn’t IM me. Whatever, I didn’t even do anything wrong. It really hurts to think about how everything used to be. It seemed like he cared so much and now all of a sudden he doesn’t seem to care about me at all, yet I still care about him. Oh well, I still love Jordan more than anyone. Jordan called me a few minutes ago and now I’m upset after talking to him. Valentine’s Day is next Friday and we were planning on hanging out because that is like the most important day of the year for us – it’s the day he first asked me out. He had been giving me hints like he was going to ask me back out on Valentine’s Day. Now he says he will probably go to Southern University and party with friends for four days, Thursday-Monday. That really upsets me. So yeah, add Jordan to the list of people who could care less about me. Brian still won’t talk to me, and I can’t write anymore because I’m too sad.

P.S. – I got accepted to Bradley University.

02/15/03:  Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and probably one of the most depressing days of my life. It would have been my two year anniversary with Jordan if we were still together. We had been getting along fine, but this past week it’s like he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. I didn’t even do anything wrong. We said we would hang out on V-day, but instead, he hung out with Tim. Jordan’s parents went out of town for the weekend, so you would think I would be one of the first people he would invite over. He had a party last night and one tonight and made it clear to me that he didn’t want me there. I will never forgive him for doing this. The whole night I cried because I remember the night two years ago when he first asked me out. It seemed like it was just yesterday…I’ll never forget it. I remember after he left that night I cried because I was so happy, and now he just uses me and doesn’t care that we are both going off to different colleges and probably won’t ever see each other again. I made him a CD as a present for V-day and not only does he not get me anything, but he won’t even let me come over. I honestly wonder if other girls are over there. I mean, anyone could spend the night since his parents are gone. I don’t even want to think about it. When I talked to him on the phone, he tried to blame me by saying that I had been talking to Chad. So what? He stalked Beth, wrote her love letters, and went to homecoming with someone else! I wish I could get over Jordan for good, but he was the first and only guy I’ve ever truly loved. We were inseparable for so long. After last night it’s apparent that he doesn’t care about me, so I have to move on, otherwise I’ll just get hurt again. He actually had the nerve to tell me that the reason why he picks his friends over me all the time now is because in the past when we were together, I took up all of his time and he had to give up his other friends. He also said that I would make him stay over until midnight. He made it sound like he didn’t even want to be with me for long periods of time. First of all, I was his girlfriend and we go to different schools, so obviously I would want to see him as much as I could. Anyway, I’m not going to talk about him anymore. Next year I’ll be at ISU and he won’t know my dorm room number and I haven’t given him my new cell phone number, so he won’t be able to get ahold of me!

Commentary: Having to officially end things with your first love is definitely tough. Luckily, college was right around the corner and I was able to move an hour away and start a whole new life. 

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