My 20-Year Diary

I will be posting 20 years of my diary entries, ages 8-28, from 1993-2014!

That’s Not Quitting, Idiot! — December 17, 2016

That’s Not Quitting, Idiot!


02/02/03:  I finally talked to Chad. I asked him what he did this weekend and he said he didn’t really remember. So I said, “Oh, you were that drunk huh?” and he said yeah. Just like I thought, he did not quit drinking. He said he stopped drinking during the week, but not on the weekends. I’m really mad – that’s not quitting, idiot! When I talked to him it really seemed like he didn’t want to talk, and I was already mad at him so I just said “bye” because I couldn’t take it anymore, and his response was “later” like he didn’t even care because he didn’t ask what was wrong or tell me he loves me like he usually does. He didn’t respond to my email either, so forget it. I really need to forget about Chad because I let him get to me. I believed all his BS and not what other people were trying to tell me, and now I’m crying over him when he isn’t worth it. I let my guard down with him and drove all the way out to where he lives, and even risked my parents finding out about him. If they knew about his record and him being in trouble then my life would be over. I sacrificed so much for him and for what? Just to get played and lied to. I made Jordan upset over this when he is someone who actually cares about me. I just need to think about things for awhile, so BYE!

Commentary: Did I really think dating a felon was going to work out?

He Better Have a Good Excuse — December 10, 2016

He Better Have a Good Excuse


02/01/03:  Chad still hasn’t written me back yet! I’ve been going crazy trying to figure out how he feels about everything. I emailed him on Wednesday night and he said he would write back the next day. Well he didn’t get online at all on Thursday, so I don’t know where he was. Then on Friday he didn’t get online, so hmmm. In the email I sent, I said that I would really like to see him Friday night because Saturday night I would be busy. So basically if I didn’t see him on Friday night, then I would have to wait another week. It’s not like we could do anything Sunday since I have homework, or during the week because he has to go to bed so early and get up at 4:30 in the morning for work. This was a good test to see how much he actually cares and to see if what he tells me is true. The invitation was out there – I was willing to drive to him and he didn’t have to do anything or meet me anywhere. He knew I wanted to see him, but he didn’t call me to make plans. I bet he went to Stone Country with Nick, got drunk, and danced on every girl there. First of all, he told me he quit drinking and I didn’t believe him, but he said he was serious. Well, I’ll find out if he drank or not and if he did then that’s it!! All I know is he better have a good excuse for not seeing me last night. Hopefully he will get online today so I can have a talk with him. I don’t want to end things, but that’s probably what I’ll have to do. I’m sick of getting hurt by him. Last night my friend Ryan came over and we watched a movie. It was fun because I hadn’t seen him in a long time. I can’t write anymore, it looks sloppy!

Commentary: It’s weird to think about the days before texting/social media messaging. If you wanted to talk to someone, your options were to either call them or wait around until they got online. 

The Truth Hurts Sometimes — December 4, 2016

The Truth Hurts Sometimes


01/29/03:  Today I got home from school and sang and danced around in my room. Then I watched American Idol because that show is such a gag! I love the tryouts when they show the bad singers. Anyway, I had an away message up online and Chad left me a couple messages. He said to leave him one when I got back, but I really HAD to watch American Idol because I missed it last night and it really makes me laugh so hard sometimes. I came back an hour and a half later to talk to Chad, but he said he was going to bed. I totally forgot about his job and how he has to wake up at 4:30 in the morning. Whoops! I felt bad because he said something about how he had been trying to talk to me all night but I kept leaving. He read the email I sent and I thought his response would either be that he only wants to be friends or he would say how he felt about everything in two sentences and say something like, “Oh baby, you know I love you,” blah, blah, blah and wouldn’t really take the time to seriously think about it. He actually surprised me when we talked tonight. I was kind of embarrassed by the email I sent, thinking it was dumb and too mushy, but he said it wasn’t, which was nice of him to say. I asked if he was going to write back since he said he was going to bed. He asked if I wanted him to tell me over IM or in an email and I said it was up to him. He told me he would write me an email because he had lots to tell me. I couldn’t believe that. I really thought he wouldn’t take it seriously at all, so I’m happy he actually cares enough to write me a long email explaining things. I’m still living in suspense though, because I have no clue how he feels or what he will say. When he got offline he said, “Goodnight, and I love you a lot more than you think.” I was in a pretty good mood after that. I don’t know what it is with him! We just have some major chemistry or something. I can’t wait to see what his email will say. The biggest thing I care about is that he’s honest with everything he says, even if it’s not exactly what I want to hear. The truth hurts sometimes, but it’s always better than being lied to or led on. I get so many mixed signals from Chad…I just don’t know what to think sometimes. All of a sudden I’m dead tired, so goodnight! Hopefully the next time I write I’ll have good news for ya!

Commentary: Wow, I had totally forgotten about the phrase “such a gag” when talking about something funny. It’s weird how sayings are so popular at one time and then they completely disappear. Do any of you still say that?

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