01/27/03: This morning I was really late for school! Ugh, and in gym I got a no-dress because I forgot my uniform in my locker. It’s okay though, because I absolutely can’t stand volleyball which is what we are playing. When I got home from school, I noticed a lump under my skin underneath my chin. It kind of scared me because I’m pretty sure it wasn’t there before. My sister almost had surgery for the lump on her throat which ended up being a tumor, and they said it was hereditary and there was a 70% chance I would have one too. So I’ve been freaking out! Hopefully it’s nothing serious. Chad and I talked for a long time online tonight, probably for two hours or something. The conversation was going fine until he brought up Stone Country and how he would try to say hi to me but I would act like I didn’t want to talk to him. I said “Yeah, because every time you are all over some girl right in front of my face and that’s why I stopped going to Stone.” He said that it only happened once, so we kind of argued about that because I know it was at least three different times. I told him that’s why I got so mad at him was because I really liked him and then he did that, and he said, “Don’t lie, you were never serious in the first place.” Then he said something about me still being hung up on my ex-boyfriend. Honestly, I do love Jordan and he is still my best friend. Sometimes I think that I really do want to get back together with him, but the truth is, I just can’t after what he did to me. He lied so many times it’s not even funny. I just can’t completely trust him anymore. I tried to explain that to Chad, but he didn’t get it. I have a feeling Paul might be behind all this because how else would Chad know about my ex-boyfriend? Besides, Paul is mad that I don’t want to be with him, so he’s trying to ruin things for me now. I really do like Chad, though. Ever since the first time I started talking to him online, even before we met, he has definitely been on my mind. I really thought my feelings for him would fade away considering we are two totally different people, but they have only gotten stronger. Sometimes I seriously wish I could forget about him and move on because I have a feeling I’m going to get hurt again, and I can’t deal with that happening. Chad will say things like, “I love you hun,” like he did tonight, but I really don’t know if I can believe that. I want to believe that he cares about me and I’m not just some random girl. Maybe we are just two people who have gotten hurt badly in the past and don’t want to have it happen again, so we aren’t so quick to believe everything we say to each other. Does that make sense? Tonight I told him that I keep a journal and that he’s mentioned a lot in here. He said that makes him feel special. Was he being sarcastic? I just can’ tell. He said I was in his thoughts, or something like that. I don’t know! I’m so confused and frustrated and don’t know what to believe and what not to. I told him the only reason I get online is to talk to him. He said it’s the same way with him, he gets on just to talk to me – yeah right! Tomorrow I think I’m going to ask him to be honest with me and tell me where he sees this going. Like if he just wants to be friends or more. Well it’s eleven at night and I have a civics test to study for, so hopefully I’ll talk to Chad tomorrow and be able to fill ya in on all the details!
Commentary: It’s such a relief when you find the right person to spend your life with. Trying to figure out how someone really feels about you is something I don’t miss at all. I’ve told my boyfriend before that if we ever broke up for some reason, I’m pretty sure I would stay single for the rest of my life. It literally takes years for me feel 100% comfortable around the person I’m in a relationship with, so just the thought of dating or having to start over with someone new really stresses me out.