01/28/03: This whole night I’ve been sitting here waiting for Chad to get online because I really wanted to talk to him about some things. He finally got online and IMed me to say what’s up and that he was really tired and was going to bed. Ok, it isn’t even eight o’clock at night yet! It seems like if he really wanted to talk to me he would, ya know? I don’t care how tired I might be, if he’s online I’ll talk to him until I fall asleep. He said, “I love you, goodnight” and I suppose him getting online to say that was better than nothing, I’m just mad that I have to wait another 24 hours to talk to him. Last night I couldn’t fall asleep thinking about everything I was going to say to him. I was so anxious the whole day. It’s all I could think about, and now I don’t even get to say anything. I actually for once don’t have any homework, so I figured I would have lots of time to talk to him, but he doesn’t want to talk to me apparently! I don’t know, last night I was starting to think I really liked him again and that he honestly liked me too, but now I guess I shouldn’t think that. I’m an idiot! Ugh, I’m frustrated now, so I’m gonna watch The Real World and go straight to bed!
I was upset about things when I wrote earlier, but I wrote Chad an email and told him exactly how I felt and started to feel better. I asked him what he wanted because Valentine’s Day is coming up and I don’t know if we are something or just friends. He tells me he loves me, but does he really mean it? It seems like we both really like each other, but it’s just bad timing. Plus, he got into some trouble and doesn’t have a license for another five months, so if I ever want to see him, I have to drive all the way out to where he lives. I don’t know if I want to have to deal with that. I’ll just wait and see what he says when he writes back. I’m scared he’ll say that he just wants to be friends. Even though that’s probably the best thing and the only thing that makes sense, I would still be hurt. Now there’s another problem. Paul hates me because I hang out with other people and not him. Nick was being all nice to me and invited me in a chat room that Paul just happened to be in. Paul was like, “Oh, why did you invite HER,” and was saying other mean things, so I left the chat room immediately. I am not going to deal with that. Then I tried talking to Nick, but he wouldn’t respond. So basically, Paul talked badly about me to Nick and everyone else who was in that dumb chat room. I know whatever Nick heard he will definitely tell Chad because they are like best friends. So now things could be messed up with Chad and I all because of Paul! Goodnight, it’s almost midnight!
Commentary: I wanted to see if I could still log on to my AIM account, and I actually can! Wow, what a blast from the past to see my old buddy list. With screen names like “imhigh4sure”, “notguilty”, and “PassthatHur”, you get a pretty good idea of the kind of people I was friends with at the time.