My 20-Year Diary

I will be posting 20 years of my diary entries, ages 8-28, from 1993-2014!

I Was So Anxious the Whole Day — November 20, 2016

I Was So Anxious the Whole Day

aol

01/28/03:  This whole night I’ve been sitting here waiting for Chad to get online because I really wanted to talk to him about some things. He finally got online and IMed me to say what’s up and that he was really tired and was going to bed. Ok, it isn’t even eight o’clock at night yet! It seems like if he really wanted to talk to me he would, ya know? I don’t care how tired I might be, if he’s online I’ll talk to him until I fall asleep. He said, “I love you, goodnight” and I suppose him getting online to say that was better than nothing, I’m just mad that I have to wait another 24 hours to talk to him. Last night I couldn’t fall asleep thinking about everything I was going to say to him. I was so anxious the whole day. It’s all I could think about, and now I don’t even get to say anything. I actually for once don’t have any homework, so I figured I would have lots of time to talk to him, but he doesn’t want to talk to me apparently! I don’t know, last night I was starting to think I really liked him again and that he honestly liked me too, but now I guess I shouldn’t think that. I’m an idiot! Ugh, I’m frustrated now, so I’m gonna watch The Real World and go straight to bed!

I was upset about things when I wrote earlier, but I wrote Chad an email and told him exactly how I felt and started to feel better. I asked him what he wanted because Valentine’s Day is coming up and I don’t know if we are something or just friends. He tells me he loves me, but does he really mean it? It seems like we both really like each other, but it’s just bad timing. Plus, he got into some trouble and doesn’t have a license for another five months, so if I ever want to see him, I have to drive all the way out to where he lives. I don’t know if I want to have to deal with that. I’ll just wait and see what he says when he writes back. I’m scared he’ll say that he just wants to be friends. Even though that’s probably the best thing and the only thing that makes sense, I would still be hurt. Now there’s another problem. Paul hates me because I hang out with other people and not him. Nick was being all nice to me and invited me in a chat room that Paul just happened to be in. Paul was like, “Oh, why did you invite HER,” and was saying other mean things, so I left the chat room immediately. I am not going to deal with that. Then I tried talking to Nick, but he wouldn’t respond. So basically, Paul talked badly about me to Nick and everyone else who was in that dumb chat room. I know whatever Nick heard he will definitely tell Chad because they are like best friends. So now things could be messed up with Chad and I all because of Paul! Goodnight, it’s almost midnight!

Commentary: I wanted to see if I could still log on to my AIM account, and I actually can! Wow, what a blast from the past to see my old buddy list. With screen names like “imhigh4sure”, “notguilty”, and “PassthatHur”, you get a pretty good idea of the kind of people I was friends with at the time.

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I Absolutely Can’t Stand Volleyball — November 19, 2016

I Absolutely Can’t Stand Volleyball

volleyball

01/27/03:  This morning I was really late for school! Ugh, and in gym I got a no-dress because I forgot my uniform in my locker. It’s okay though, because I absolutely can’t stand volleyball which is what we are playing. When I got home from school, I noticed a lump under my skin underneath my chin. It kind of scared me because I’m pretty sure it wasn’t there before. My sister almost had surgery for the lump on her throat which ended up being a tumor, and they said it was hereditary and there was a 70% chance I would have one too. So I’ve been freaking out! Hopefully it’s nothing serious. Chad and I talked for a long time online tonight, probably for two hours or something. The conversation was going fine until he brought up Stone Country and how he would try to say hi to me but I would act like I didn’t want to talk to him. I said “Yeah, because every time you are all over some girl right in front of my face and that’s why I stopped going to Stone.” He said that it only happened once, so we kind of argued about that because I know it was at least three different times. I told him that’s why I got so mad at him was because I really liked him and then he did that, and he said, “Don’t lie, you were never serious in the first place.” Then he said something about me still being hung up on my ex-boyfriend. Honestly, I do love Jordan and he is still my best friend. Sometimes I think that I really do want to get back together with him, but the truth is, I just can’t after what he did to me. He lied so many times it’s not even funny. I just can’t completely trust him anymore. I tried to explain that to Chad, but he didn’t get it. I have a feeling Paul might be behind all this because how else would Chad know about my ex-boyfriend? Besides, Paul is mad that I don’t want to be with him, so he’s trying to ruin things for me now. I really do like Chad, though. Ever since the first time I started talking to him online, even before we met, he has definitely been on my mind. I really thought my feelings for him would fade away considering we are two totally different people, but they have only gotten stronger. Sometimes I seriously wish I could forget about him and move on because I have a feeling I’m going to get hurt again, and I can’t deal with that happening. Chad will say things like, “I love you hun,” like he did tonight, but I really don’t know if I can believe that. I want to believe that he cares about me and I’m not just some random girl. Maybe we are just two people who have gotten hurt badly in the past and don’t want to have it happen again, so we aren’t so quick to believe everything we say to each other. Does that make sense? Tonight I told him that I keep a journal and that he’s mentioned a lot in here. He said that makes him feel special. Was he being sarcastic? I just can’ tell. He said I was in his thoughts, or something like that. I don’t know! I’m so confused and frustrated and don’t know what to believe and what not to. I told him the only reason I get online is to talk to him. He said it’s the same way with him, he gets on just to talk to me – yeah right! Tomorrow I think I’m going to ask him to be honest with me and tell me where he sees this going. Like if he just wants to be friends or more. Well it’s eleven at night and I have a civics test to study for, so hopefully I’ll talk to Chad tomorrow and be able to fill ya in on all the details!

Commentary: It’s such a relief when you find the right person to spend your life with. Trying to figure out how someone really feels about you is something I don’t miss at all. I’ve told my boyfriend before that if we ever broke up for some reason, I’m pretty sure I would stay single for the rest of my life. It literally takes years for me feel 100% comfortable around the person I’m in a relationship with, so just the thought of dating or having to start over with someone new really stresses me out. 

I Got Straight A’s Even After Finals! — November 12, 2016

I Got Straight A’s Even After Finals!

grades

01/25/03:  This morning I woke up and went downstairs to the computer because I forgot to log off again last night. Chad had left me a few messages. He said, “I love you, I love you, I love you, I guess you don’t love me. It’s alright, goodnight!” I wasn’t too sure what to think about all that. Right now he’s in Iowa visiting his aunt and cousin. He left on Thursday. He sent me two or three more emails, though. He also has been on his aunt’s computer a few times, so I was able to talk to him. This morning he left more messages telling me to talk to him when I got back, so I did and we talked for 45 minutes to an hour. He said he starts his new job on Monday and has to be there at 5:30 in the morning. That means he has to wake up at 4:30 and can’t stay up all night like he’s been doing the past few weeks. I told him he should really stop drinking and he said he will because of his new job and everything. Hmmm, that is really hard to believe. I mean, since he’s 21 he can legally drink, but he goes way too far. He drinks way too much and way too often. So whatever, we’ll see what happens I guess. This whole week, Paul has been at the fraternity house for something called insulation week, so he hasn’t been online at all. For some reason, Paul has been in my dreams a lot lately. I keep dreaming about him getting online or something. Maybe that means I miss him, but I shouldn’t! I’ve enjoyed this break from him because it’s allowed me a lot of time to think, and life has been less confusing. Today I got my report card for first semester. I got straight A’s even after finals! That is amazing. I even got an A+ on one of my finals. School isn’t that bad anymore. Remember how I was talking about my crappy schedule and how I hated it? Well lunch isn’t as awkward anymore, and my classes aren’t as hard as they seemed on the first day, so that’s good! Things were going well between Jordan and I. I was actually happy for the first time in awhile, but last night he totally ditched me to go get drunk. I was so mad. Tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday…Jordan and I first met on Super Bowl Sunday two years ago. That makes me sad and want to cry. Oh well, that’s life I guess. Right now I’m listening to Your Body is a Wonderland by John Mayer. Just thought I’d add that. Jordan and I really have this chemistry and love for each other that I honestly don’t think I could find with anyone else. I think that’s why I’m so afraid to end things for real. Cara has been dating this new guy for the past three weeks or so. Things aren’t going too well though, and I really think he’s a jerk. Ok, well I really need to get up and change this CD, so I’ll write tomorrow. By the way, Brian seriously stopped calling me!

Commentary: I was able to track down my actual report card for today’s photo! Is it normal to keep old report cards for 13 years? Although the classes I took my senior year weren’t very difficult, I proudly highlighted my final semester grades and displayed them in my scrapbook. 

I Don’t Want to Get Hurt Again — November 4, 2016

I Don’t Want to Get Hurt Again

chad

01/23/03:  Yesterday morning when I woke up, I went downstairs to the computer because I had fallen asleep and forgot to sign off. Chad had left me some messages. One of them said to check my email, so I did. He sent me an email that said he had been trying to talk to me all night, but we kept missing each other. He said he really wants to talk to me soon, he likes the new profile I made, and is really glad I’m starting to be happy again. So I wrote him back real quick before leaving for school. That was a nice way to start off my day. I thought about him the rest of the day. He’s had my email address for a long time, but this was the first time he has ever written me. Usually he will just leave messages and that’s it, so I was totally surprised when he left messages plus wrote an email. That means he might actually care…I don’t know what I’m going to do! I really do like him still for some freakin’ reason, but I don’t want to get hurt again. I just don’t know if he seriously wants to spend time with me or if I’m just like any other girl. I think this is what I’ll do. Tomorrow is Friday and I know ~

Commentary: I find it interesting that even from a very young age, I always wrote in my diary as if someone other than myself was going to read it.  As you can see from the photo of my actual diary entry, I felt the need to explain the abrupt ending.  Who am I talking to?  My future self, or did I subconsciously know that I would wind up writing a book someday? 🙂 Speaking of my book, I’m almost done with it! I’ve been working on it nonstop lately, which is why I haven’t had much time to blog. I’ll probably stop blogging if/when it seems like no one is interested anymore, but as long as at least one person likes my posts, then I’ll keep this thing going! 

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