01/20/03:  Today I had the day off from school, so I woke up and went over to Jordan’s house. We have been spending more time together and call each other more often. I know how much he’s hurt me in the past, I could never forget that, but he’s a great friend to me right now. He is the only person who listens to me, cares, and understands. Most of my other friends don’t really understand me and have their own problems to deal with. Anyway, Brian didn’t end up coming back here because we are going to war. He had to go to a country called Kuwait. I talked to him online last week and he said there was something he had been wanting to tell me for a long time but didn’t know how I would take it. So I told him to tell me, and he said he wants to go beyond boyfriend/girlfriend with me. First of all, he and I aren’t even dating let alone in a relationship, so I asked what was beyond boyfriend/girlfriend, marriage? And he said, “Well engaged for awhile, but yes, I would marry you.” I couldn’t believe that. I basically told him I didn’t agree and just wanted to be friends. After that he stopped calling me, so obviously he’s mad. Whatever, if he can seriously say he wants to marry me then that’s absolutely ludicrous. I talked to Chad online last night and he was being all nice to me. He said he would love to see me today and really wanted me to call him and come over, but I didn’t because I don’t think it’s worth it. I’m not driving all the way to Eureka for some player. I would really like to think that he honestly did like me, and I believe he did – for awhile. Every time I’ve been with him, he’s never put the moves on me or tried anything, and that’s what I liked about him. He wasn’t forceful and annoying like some guys are. I don’t know what’s going to happen with us – probably nothing. Today Jordan and I hung out at his house for awhile and then I took him to Red Lobster for lunch. I had a good time. I actually felt happy for the first time in a long time. Hold on, I’m going to check to see who’s online…okay, no one I want to talk to. Finals are over and we have officially started second semester! The only thing is that I hate all my classes. I seriously do. I don’t have friends in my classes or at lunch. At lunch, I sit with a group of people who I kind of know but aren’t good friends with, and it’s really awkward. I dread it every day. I guess it’s not a huge deal…just gotta bite my lip and get through it. It’s eleven o’clock at night and I still have laundry to fold, so I must get going. Wish me luck that I get through the day tomorrow!

Commentary: Wow – totally forgot that guy said he wanted to marry me even though we hardly knew each other. Crazy! At least I was honest with him about not feeling the same way. One thing I don’t think I’ll ever forget is how awkward I felt at school when it was time to eat lunch. I really did dread it every single day. I had friends, but unfortunately most of them either didn’t go to my school or had a different lunch period. I sat with a group of girls who I felt I had nothing in common with, and watched them talk and laugh together while I just sat there and stared.  I probably really creeped them out, but for some reason, I felt like I couldn’t relate to them and just couldn’t seem to get in on the conversation. Some days, I ate as fast as I could and spent the rest of the lunch period hanging out in the bathroom just to get away. I’m sure I had some kind of social anxiety. Today’s photo is one of my high school senior pics that was taken 14 years ago. I recently went back to the same photographer to take a few photos for my book coming out next Fall! 🙂