My 20-Year Diary

I will be posting 20 years of my diary entries, ages 8-28, from 1993-2014!

That’s Absolutely Ludicrous — October 18, 2016

That’s Absolutely Ludicrous


01/20/03:  Today I had the day off from school, so I woke up and went over to Jordan’s house. We have been spending more time together and call each other more often. I know how much he’s hurt me in the past, I could never forget that, but he’s a great friend to me right now. He is the only person who listens to me, cares, and understands. Most of my other friends don’t really understand me and have their own problems to deal with. Anyway, Brian didn’t end up coming back here because we are going to war. He had to go to a country called Kuwait. I talked to him online last week and he said there was something he had been wanting to tell me for a long time but didn’t know how I would take it. So I told him to tell me, and he said he wants to go beyond boyfriend/girlfriend with me. First of all, he and I aren’t even dating let alone in a relationship, so I asked what was beyond boyfriend/girlfriend, marriage? And he said, “Well engaged for awhile, but yes, I would marry you.” I couldn’t believe that. I basically told him I didn’t agree and just wanted to be friends. After that he stopped calling me, so obviously he’s mad. Whatever, if he can seriously say he wants to marry me then that’s absolutely ludicrous. I talked to Chad online last night and he was being all nice to me. He said he would love to see me today and really wanted me to call him and come over, but I didn’t because I don’t think it’s worth it. I’m not driving all the way to Eureka for some player. I would really like to think that he honestly did like me, and I believe he did – for awhile. Every time I’ve been with him, he’s never put the moves on me or tried anything, and that’s what I liked about him. He wasn’t forceful and annoying like some guys are. I don’t know what’s going to happen with us – probably nothing. Today Jordan and I hung out at his house for awhile and then I took him to Red Lobster for lunch. I had a good time. I actually felt happy for the first time in a long time. Hold on, I’m going to check to see who’s online…okay, no one I want to talk to. Finals are over and we have officially started second semester! The only thing is that I hate all my classes. I seriously do. I don’t have friends in my classes or at lunch. At lunch, I sit with a group of people who I kind of know but aren’t good friends with, and it’s really awkward. I dread it every day. I guess it’s not a huge deal…just gotta bite my lip and get through it. It’s eleven o’clock at night and I still have laundry to fold, so I must get going. Wish me luck that I get through the day tomorrow!

Commentary: Wow – totally forgot that guy said he wanted to marry me even though we hardly knew each other. Crazy! At least I was honest with him about not feeling the same way. One thing I don’t think I’ll ever forget is how awkward I felt at school when it was time to eat lunch. I really did dread it every single day. I had friends, but unfortunately most of them either didn’t go to my school or had a different lunch period. I sat with a group of girls who I felt I had nothing in common with, and watched them talk and laugh together while I just sat there and stared.  I probably really creeped them out, but for some reason, I felt like I couldn’t relate to them and just couldn’t seem to get in on the conversation. Some days, I ate as fast as I could and spent the rest of the lunch period hanging out in the bathroom just to get away. I’m sure I had some kind of social anxiety. Today’s photo is one of my high school senior pics that was taken 14 years ago. I recently went back to the same photographer to take a few photos for my book coming out next Fall! 🙂


Nothing Like That Has Ever Happened Before — October 13, 2016

Nothing Like That Has Ever Happened Before


01/14/03:  Today I woke up and had really bad chest pains. My heart was racing when I wasn’t even moving – just laying in bed. It was really scary considering I already have an issue with my heart. I seriously thought I was going to die! I couldn’t even stand up straight because the pain was so bad. I was two seconds away from telling my mom to take me to the hospital. It was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced, and I really thought it felt like it was my heart. So I went into my mom’s room and started crying because I was scared. Nothing like that has ever happened before. I prayed to God and just kept praying, and a few minutes later the pain disappeared! It was the strangest thing. I got ready for school and took my environmental science and composition finals. They were overall fairly easy. Tomorrow I take sociology and foods. On Thursday, I start a new schedule with all new classes. So yeah, this week has been busy. Brian is supposed to come back tomorrow. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. Probably bad, I’m guessing.  Anyway, I actually talked to Chad for the first time in awhile. We said we would hang out soon. Also don’t know if that’s a good or bad idea. I just don’t want to get hurt again. I liked him a lot but don’t think he took the relationship seriously. Whatever! Well I have more studying to do, so I’ll write again when something interesting happens.

Commentary: When I mention having prior issues with my heart, I’m referring to Mitral Valve Prolapse. I was diagnosed when I was about 15 years old, but luckily the condition isn’t usually life-threatening. The timing of this is crazy because I was just talking to someone about having MVP issues again.

I’m Just Listening to Some Bone Thugs-N-Harmony — October 7, 2016

I’m Just Listening to Some Bone Thugs-N-Harmony


01/11/03:  It’s 9:04pm on a Saturday night, and for some reason I didn’t feel like going out. I’m just hanging out in my room listening to some Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. On Monday I start finals…ugh! The pressure is really on because I have to keep my straight A’s going. I talked to Brian a few days ago and apparently he bought me a Christmas present – greaaat. Now it will be even harder to tell him that I just want to be friends. He comes back in four days.  I’m going to be taking two finals that day, then my schedule changes and I start all new classes. It will be a pretty busy week and I won’t have much time to see him. Ok, my mom just came up to my room and asked what has been wrong with me lately because I haven’t been getting online much and have been spending all my time in my room. I also haven’t been going out on weekends. I told her I’m fine, but she didn’t believe that. I told her to just forget it, it was no big deal, and I didn’t want to talk about it. She wouldn’t allow that answer, so I told her things I’ve been stressing out about lately because she sounded concerned and caring. Right after I told her she said, “Don’t you think most of this is your fault?” and started arguing with me. I’m so mad. This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell her anything in the first place. Don’t ask me something and then yell at me about the answer. Ugh, I don’t feel good, I have to go.

Commentary: My mom and I get along much better these days, but things were definitely rough between us back then. I didn’t open up to her very often, and when I did, it almost always resulted in an argument. Random fact – I saw Bone Thugs-N-Harmony perform at a local dive bar about two years ago. Still love them!

How on Earth Do I Get Myself into Such Predicaments? — October 1, 2016

How on Earth Do I Get Myself into Such Predicaments?


01/01/03:  Last night was New Year’s Eve and I was sick! My temperature was almost 102 degrees, and it really sucked. Jordan came over and spent the night with me. He went home at about 2 in the morning. Anyway, I said I was going to talk about Christmas, but nothing too exciting happened. Just the regular – having my grandma and grandpa Day over, and then going to my dad’s side the next morning. Time to talk about other things! I really don’t know what to do about Chad. I know we are very different and don’t have too much in common, but there is some sort of chemistry between us. When I try to not talk to him and forget things, I end up waiting for him to get online or something. I just can’t forget about him for some reason. Ugh, there are a lot of things I like about him. If I was absolutely sure that what he tells me is the truth, then there would be no problem. The only issue is that I don’t know him well enough to know if he’s telling me the absolute truth. The only way I can get to know him and learn to trust him is if I hang out with him more, but the more we hang out, the more I like him and the more confusing everything gets, so whatever. I’ll just wait it out and see how things go. Paul is officially out of the picture after tonight, that’s for sure! He’s just messed up in the head. One day he’ll make me feel like I’m such a horrible person, and the next day he tells me I’m perfect. Umm ok! I have another dilemma…my friend Brian from the Marines somehow got the idea that I “like” him, and now he calls me every day from California. I don’t know what to do, because in 15 days he comes back home and he’s going to expect me to hang out with him all the time. I’ve been told that I’m his only friend from around here. I mean, I like Brian – he’s really nice and hilarious, but I want to only be friends with him and that’s it. I know I need to talk to him about it, but I feel like he’ll be so mad that he wasted money calling me long distance from California when I’m not really interested. Ugh, how on earth do I get myself into such predicaments? Well, time to get online!

Commentary: Maybe if I didn’t lead people on I wouldn’t have gotten into so many predicaments. 

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