10/08/02: It’s been a month since the last time I wrote and so much has happened, so I thought I should write about it. Hopefully doing this will make me feel better. Hmmm where to start? My relationship with Jordan is what is making me depressed. I found out the real reason he didn’t want to see me anymore was because he liked another girl. He told me that he only hung out with her for football reasons and that was it, since she’s a cheerleader and cheers at his football games. I was online one day and Jordan’s friend Tyler IMed me. He said, “I really don’t want to have to tell you this, but it’s going around IVC that Jordan really likes this girl named Beth.” I didn’t want to believe it, but I got ahold of Beth’s screen name and had a talk with her. She told me that Jordan and her are really good friends and they hang out all the time. I was upset because hearing it from her made me realize that this nightmare is real. The more I thought about it, the more it became apparent how much he had been lying to me. He told me he hasn’t talked to any girls the whole year at school. Beth also told me that he went over to her house and constantly says bad things about me. He called me bad names and said that I was so annoying. He also said he was never going to get back with me. At the same time, he tells me that he still loves me more than anything, but just needs a break. I didn’t know what or who to believe. I figured Jordan had a reason to lie and Beth didn’t, so I confronted Jordan about it. He denied every single thing! He even got so mad at me for not believing him when I know he would do the same thing if he were in my shoes. He said he was just friends with Beth and that was it. One day when I was at his house, I picked up a note from Beth. On the note it said, “I love you!” It definitely hurt to see that, and friends don’t usually say that to each other. Everything is so messed up. Since I have never met Beth and don’t know her at all, and just because of how Jordan denied everything, I decided to believe him and forget about it for the moment. Things kind of went back to normal after that. We weren’t officially going back out, but he started calling and coming over more. He said that sometimes he gets so close to asking me back out. Before it was like he didn’t even want to see me and when I called he would seem mad, so I was starting to think that things were cool and I was actually starting to be happy again. Well that didn’t last long. I was online a few days ago when someone told me that Beth wanted to talk to me. I was like okay, so I unblocked her. She told me that Jordan was seriously obsessed with her. She said he always stops by her house and writes her notes. I asked what the notes were about and she said, “He was saying how beautiful I am and how much he likes me.” Then she made a comment about how dumb Jordan is because he spelled like every other word wrong including “beautiful.” I realized then that what she was telling me was true because all the notes Jordan has written me have the word “beautiful” spelled wrong and he seriously can’t spell, so that’s proof that he wrote her notes. I asked Jordan about it several times and he said he never wrote her any notes. Beth said she still has the notes and is willing to show them to me. I just don’t understand how he could lie to me about every single thing. She told me he even knows her locker combination and stalks her. Sounds like Jordan likes Beth more than he ever liked me, which really makes me go crazy. Then she said he asked her to homecoming. I was like no way, and she was like, “Yeah, I was going to go with him but then he started stalking me and it scared me, so I told him I didn’t want to go with him anymore.” Jordan told me he wasn’t going to homecoming with anyone and that he never asked Beth. He said he couldn’t even pay for it anyways. He said that like two days ago, then today I hear he is going with some girl names Tara. It’s nice to have to find things out like this from other people. It makes me look like an idiot. Every day he is persistent on telling me how much he loves me, just like he used to, and now he’s doing crap like this behind my back. Pretty soon I’m going to call him and ask him about it. If he tries to deny going to homecoming on Saturday night, then I’ll simply tell him that we are going to hang out that night. That way I’ll know. Tim is Jordan’s best friend, and I also got his screen name. Tim wouldn’t lie about this – if anything, he would lie to try and help his friend out, but Tim said that Jordan definitely is going with that girl to homecoming. I’m really upset because I was really looking forward to taking him to the Incubus concert on Sunday since I literally bought the tickets just to go with him, and now I have no clue who to go with. There’s no way I’m going to take him now. Sometimes I think I want to, but then I remember all the lies and there’s just no way. Especially when the night before he’ll be at homecoming with another girl! My hand is getting tired and I have to feed the cats. I’ll write more after I finally talk to Jordan.
Later: Somehow I knew this would happen. Ever since 3:00 yesterday, I have been dying to talk to Jordan. I know things he has no clue I found out about. It’s 10:00pm on a Tuesday night and I haven’t spoken to him since Sunday. When I tried calling last night, his stepdad said he wasn’t home. Tonight I kept calling and finally someone answered at 9:15 saying that Jordan hadn’t been home all night. I have this bad feeling in my stomach that he’s hanging out with some other girl. I can’t concentrate on homework at this point. All I can think about is where the hell is Jordan? When things were going well between us again, he couldn’t even stay at my house any later than 8:30pm because he always had to go to bed or concentrate on football or something ridiculous. Now it’s after 10:00pm on a school night and he isn’t home…that makes me very angry. I’ve been so honest with him about everything because I seriously loved him more than anything. What really hurts is knowing that if I did talk to him and asked where he was tonight or last night, he would just lie. There are times where I sit there, sobbing, saying, “Please, if you care about me at all you will tell me the truth right now,” and he still denies everything. It’s amazing. God, why hasn’t he called me back? It’s so frustrating. For the past two weeks, he has called me almost every day and now it’s back to ignoring me. I have to go.
Commentary: I’m nostalgic about childhood, but not really about high school because of things like this. Although these experiences were difficult, they prepared me for future relationship issues I’d be dealing with. Today’s photo is of me in the Mustang sporting my “SENIORS” shirt, looking thrilled as always.