09/08/02: Well it’s 12:00am and I still haven’t heard from Jordan. He usually goes to his grandma’s house on Sunday mornings, but he leaves around 11 or 11:30am. I called at 10:00 this morning and left another message. He never called me back. Around 11:30 I went over to his house to see if he was home, but his car wasn’t there, so I left. I just don’t know what to do anymore. This isn’t like him. I know he has had many chances to call, it’s not like he has been so busy that he just couldn’t pick up the phone. He could call from his grandma’s house, but of course he won’t. Today I cleaned my room and took down things that reminded me of Jordan. It’s really over now. I mean supposedly we are still going out because he never officially broke up with me, but you don’t treat your girlfriend like this. Yesterday I never got to talk to him at all, and that alone makes me want to cry. I don’t know where he was yesterday, but I’m assuming he was with Tim. That pretty much means Tim means more to him than I do because we had plans and he totally ditched me. Tim is going through a really hard time right now, though. He was in a boating accident and his cousin ended up dying. Tim has lots of people there for him – he has his family to talk to since they are kind of going through the same thing and he has other friends, but Jordan is all I have. Last night I really needed him and he wasn’t there for me. Last year when Jordan was going through a hard time or if he was upset about losing a football game, he would always come over to my house and I would always make him feel better. Now when that happens, he runs to someone else. Like on Friday night – IVC lost to Washington like 40 to zero or something. I really hoped he would come over after the game so I could be there for him, but he went to someone else. This is my absolute worst nightmare. I never thought he would wake up one morning and totally have a change of heart, but that’s what happened. He just doesn’t love me as much anymore. Well I have so much homework to do and my stupid period is going to start, so I have bad cramps. I’ll write more later if he ever calls or comes over.
Later: Right now it is 7:30 at night. I still haven’t heard from Jordan, which means the whole weekend I haven’t even talked to my own boyfriend. This is ridiculous! He better have an apology ready along with a REALLY good excuse. I’m just afraid he’s with some other girl…that’s all I can think about. If he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, why can’t he just tell me that instead of ignoring me? Anyway, in photography we’ve had an assignment for the past week to use our 25 exposure roll of film. The film is due tomorrow, and even at 3:00 this afternoon I still hadn’t even put the film in my camera. So finally I got my lazy butt moving and am glad that is done and over with. Now I’m listening to some Red Hot Chili Peppers to get my mind off of everything. All I know is that I want a boyfriend…even if it’s not Jordan. My favorite time of the year is coming up and I want someone to share it with. Jordan doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore, so I guess I’ll have to find someone else. I love Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and I want to have a boyfriend who will want to go to haunted houses with me and the Chili Boil and things like that. This weekend has really made me realize how wrong I was about Jordan and that I deserve much better. I think I’m getting over him, though. I haven’t cried at all today – that’s a start. Well I have to do laundry and homework, so I’ll write later if Jordan ever calls (which he won’t)!
Commentary: That’s one of my biggest pet peeves – when people don’t want to deal with confrontation, so they avoid and ignore instead of dealing with the situation. If people could have open, honest conversations about their feelings, then life would be a little easier! Maybe I should have just assumed things were over and moved on, but I felt like I needed an explanation. I wanted to know if he was really seeing someone else or if his feelings had simply changed.