My 20-Year Diary

I will be posting 20 years of my diary entries, ages 8-28, from 1993-2014!

We Saw the Movie “8 Mile” — August 30, 2016

We Saw the Movie “8 Mile”

8 Mile

11/21/02:  On Friday night, Chad ended up being busy, so I went to Stone Country with Cara. On Sunday night, Chad and I planned on meeting for the first time at the Willow Knolls theater. Since he had sent me a picture of himself, I kinda knew what he looked like. That night I was so nervous because I really didn’t know what to expect. As I was walking up to the door, I saw this guy sitting on the bench inside and knew it was him! I saw his profile and his nose goes like straight down, I remembered from the pic. So I walked in and went up to him and it was really awkward. I didn’t know what to say. Then he paid for me which pretty much made it a date. We saw the movie 8 Mile with Eminem. A few times during the movie we would look over at each other and smile, but didn’t say much. Then the movie ended and we got up to start walking out. Chad turned the wrong way and his face got so red. I thought that was so cute! He seriously smells really good! That’s one of the first things I noticed. So we walked out to the parking lot when I realized I didn’t know where my keys were. I put them in my coat pocket during the movie, but I searched my pockets and they weren’t in there! So we went all the way back in the theater to search the floor and still couldn’t find them, so I took off my coat, shook it, and heard the keys rattling. Chad took my coat and was able to find my keys, which had somehow fallen all the way up to where the shoulder was in my coat! It was quite strange, and then I felt like a complete idiot. When we started walking out of the theater, Chad turned the wrong way again! So that was funny, and when I went to put my coat back on, he held it open while I put my arms in. I thought that was very nice. He gave me a hug, said goodbye, and the night was over. After that night I really didn’t think he would ever want to hang out with me again because I’m shy and he’s really outgoing, but we talked online and surprisingly he said that he thinks I’m beautiful and definitely wants to hang out again. I thought when we met I would realize we have nothing in common and that would be the end of it, but I actually really like the guy! Every day we keep talking online and I’m getting to know him better. This past Saturday night I went over to his house to hang out with him. His house is really nice! His room is huge and is really cool. He had been telling me he bought a little something for me, and when I walked into his room he told me my present was on the bed, so I looked over and there was a rose! I didn’t even know what to say, but that was sweet of him. I met his dad and then Chad and I watched a movie, but I wasn’t paying much attention. He had his arm around me and we flirted a little and talked. Then I had to leave, so he walked me out to my car and tried to pay me for gas, but I wouldn’t let him. He hugged me goodbye, thanked me for coming out, and then gave me a kiss. That really was one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time. I just really like his personality, and he’s the sweetest guy ever! Paul knows Chad and doesn’t like him, so now Paul is mad at me for talking to him. A few nights ago on Sunday the 17th, Chad pretty much asked me out. I said yes, even though it seems a little strange and too soon, but I do like him and want to get to know him better. When we talk or hang out I always have fun and am in such a better mood. It used to be that we would just talk online and then see each other on the weekend, but we actually talk on the phone now after we talk online. Last night he said he would call but never did…wonder what happened. Okay, I just went downstairs to check my messages online, and he left me four messages! He said sorry he didn’t call me last night – he fell asleep. He also said that he loves and misses me. Awww, well I’ll finish writing this and then go talk to him online. So anywho, I was so convinced that after everything Jordan and I were completely over, but he found out about Chad and I and now he really wants me back. At least that’s what he’s trying to make me believe. I’m so confused. He called when I got home from school and totally made me start bawling. I promised myself this is what I wasn’t going to let myself do. I love him more than anything even though I shouldn’t, and that’s what makes it so hard. So he has been trying to convince me to break up with Chad. Maybe I should, but not because he told me to. I think I’ll probably hang out with him a few more times and if it seems like he’s the type of person who only wants one thing, then I’ll know to get rid of him. So now Paul hates me, Chad and I are somehow going out, Jordan is mad but wants me back, and just wait – it gets worse. Josh from TN is planning on coming back for Christmas. At first I was excited about it, but now I don’t want him to come back since things are so messed up. I know how Josh feels about me…unfortunately he really likes me. Last time I talked to him, I told him I wasn’t dating anyone and there were no guys that I was after, and that was true at the time. Now all this has happened and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do! Ugh, anyway I started my period today and have bad cramps, so I’m gonna go to bed or something even though it’s not even 8:00pm yet.  Hmmm…

Commentary: I have really bad cramps as I’m typing this and am going to lay in bed even though it’s not even 8:00pm yet – weird. There’s no way this blind date happened 14 years ago – I remember it extremely well! Although I didn’t mention this in my diary, I do remember him giving me a glimpse of his ankle bracelet during the movie. What the hell was I thinking?! Apparently the date was so magical that I kept the movie ticket stub and displayed it in my scrapbook.  

He’s 21 and Is On House Arrest — August 24, 2016

He’s 21 and Is On House Arrest

[ File # csp3134430, License # 2859884 ] Licensed through in accordance with the End User License Agreement ( (c) Can Stock Photo Inc. / tritooth

11/06/02: I ended up getting all A’s on my report card, but I took pretty easy classes this semester. Here are my grades:

Environmental Science: 103%, A+ (with extra credit)

Sociology: 100%, A+

Foods: 95%, A

Composition: 96%, A

Photography: 96%, A

Gym: A

I was pretty proud of myself after seeing those grades. My grandma even sent me 20 bucks. Today I stayed home from school because I’ve been sick the past couple days. Yesterday I woke up with a really bad sore throat. Jordan and I don’t really hang out at all anymore. Sometimes I’ll talk to him on the phone, but I’ve realized that I really need to move on. So anyways, there is kind of, but not really, a new guy in my life. He’s friends with Nick and somehow I got his screen name a long time ago, but didn’t actually ever talk to him until a few weeks ago. I was really bored, so I IMed him and we talked for like two hours. His name is Chad. He’s really nice and I talk to him pretty much every day now. There are some bad things about him, though. First of all, he’s 21 and is on house arrest. He has been arrested 23 times in his life, but hasn’t done anything too terrible. Like once he got arrested just for getting in a fight. There’s no way I would go out with this guy of course, but I do want to at least meet him. On Halloween, we planned to meet each other at the movies along with Nick. Things kind of got mixed up with what time we were meeting, so it ended up not happening. We are planning on going to see a movie this Friday. If I meet him and realize that he’s bad news, I’ll stop everything right then. I’m pretty good friends with Nick, so if Chad was so dangerous or whatever Nick probably wouldn’t let me get involved with him, but he knows we plan on meeting and hasn’t said anything. Chad sent me a pic of himself, and oh gosh is he hot!! Well I’m gonna go back to bed, but I’ll update you later if anything happens!

Commentary: Whyyy was I so dumb? It doesn’t matter how “bad” the things he got arrested for were, the fact that he had been arrested more times than years he’d been alive should have been a red flag! My mom still remembers me coming home from school and asking her what house arrest was. 

We Both Applied to ISU and Got Accepted — August 21, 2016

We Both Applied to ISU and Got Accepted


10/20/02:  So much has happened since the last time I wrote. Jordan and I don’t talk anymore. He ended up going to homecoming with that girl after he told me he wasn’t taking anyone. Whatever, I’m done with him. About a week ago, I drove to Washington to go to Marci’s pool hall. Paul wanted me to come over first because he was back from college for the first time in over a month. Right when I got there, his parents left for a movie. We talked for awhile, and then of course he wanted to do more than just talk. I’ve told him before that I only want to be friends with him, but he was very persistent and it made me uncomfortable, so I left and drove all the way back to my house. I didn’t even go to Marci’s or anything. So yeah, I won’t be talking to him again! I spent the night at Cara’s last night and told her what happened. Oh, and I don’t know if I mentioned this, but Cara and I both applied to ISU and got accepted. On the 13th of this month was that Incubus concert in Champaign that I was supposed to go to with Jordan, but I ended up taking Samantha. I was also going to take him to the Chili Boil last night, but went with Cara instead. We had fun and even went to a haunted house afterwards just like we always do, but at the same time I was upset about Jordan.

Commentary: I don’t sound very excited about getting accepted to ISU, but I definitely was.  At first, the thought of moving an hour away from home and going to college with a bunch of strangers didn’t appeal to me, but once my best friend got accepted, I was absolutely thrilled. We were going to be roommates, party every weekend, and everything was going to be great…except that it wasn’t. 

That Makes Me Very Angry — August 11, 2016

That Makes Me Very Angry

mustang pic

10/08/02:  It’s been a month since the last time I wrote and so much has happened, so I thought I should write about it. Hopefully doing this will make me feel better. Hmmm where to start? My relationship with Jordan is what is making me depressed. I found out the real reason he didn’t want to see me anymore was because he liked another girl. He told me that he only hung out with her for football reasons and that was it, since she’s a cheerleader and cheers at his football games. I was online one day and Jordan’s friend Tyler IMed me. He said, “I really don’t want to have to tell you this, but it’s going around IVC that Jordan really likes this girl named Beth.” I didn’t want to believe it, but I got ahold of Beth’s screen name and had a talk with her. She told me that Jordan and her are really good friends and they hang out all the time. I was upset because hearing it from her made me realize that this nightmare is real. The more I thought about it, the more it became apparent how much he had been lying to me. He told me he hasn’t talked to any girls the whole year at school. Beth also told me that he went over to her house and constantly says bad things about me. He called me bad names and said that I was so annoying. He also said he was never going to get back with me. At the same time, he tells me that he still loves me more than anything, but just needs a break. I didn’t know what or who to believe. I figured Jordan had a reason to lie and Beth didn’t, so I confronted Jordan about it. He denied every single thing! He even got so mad at me for not believing him when I know he would do the same thing if he were in my shoes. He said he was just friends with Beth and that was it. One day when I was at his house, I picked up a note from Beth. On the note it said, “I love you!” It definitely hurt to see that, and friends don’t usually say that to each other. Everything is so messed up. Since I have never met Beth and don’t know her at all, and just because of how Jordan denied everything, I decided to believe him and forget about it for the moment. Things kind of went back to normal after that. We weren’t officially going back out, but he started calling and coming over more. He said that sometimes he gets so close to asking me back out. Before it was like he didn’t even want to see me and when I called he would seem mad, so I was starting to think that things were cool and I was actually starting to be happy again. Well that didn’t last long. I was online a few days ago when someone told me that Beth wanted to talk to me. I was like okay, so I unblocked her. She told me that Jordan was seriously obsessed with her. She said he always stops by her house and writes her notes. I asked what the notes were about and she said, “He was saying how beautiful I am and how much he likes me.” Then she made a comment about how dumb Jordan is because he spelled like every other word wrong including “beautiful.” I realized then that what she was telling me was true because all the notes Jordan has written me have the word “beautiful” spelled wrong and he seriously can’t spell, so that’s proof that he wrote her notes. I asked Jordan about it several times and he said he never wrote her any notes. Beth said she still has the notes and is willing to show them to me. I just don’t understand how he could lie to me about every single thing. She told me he even knows her locker combination and stalks her. Sounds like Jordan likes Beth more than he ever liked me, which really makes me go crazy. Then she said he asked her to homecoming. I was like no way, and she was like, “Yeah, I was going to go with him but then he started stalking me and it scared me, so I told him I didn’t want to go with him anymore.” Jordan told me he wasn’t going to homecoming with anyone and that he never asked Beth. He said he couldn’t even pay for it anyways. He said that like two days ago, then today I hear he is going with some girl names Tara. It’s nice to have to find things out like this from other people. It makes me look like an idiot. Every day he is persistent on telling me how much he loves me, just like he used to, and now he’s doing crap like this behind my back. Pretty soon I’m going to call him and ask him about it. If he tries to deny going to homecoming on Saturday night, then I’ll simply tell him that we are going to hang out that night. That way I’ll know. Tim is Jordan’s best friend, and I also got his screen name. Tim wouldn’t lie about this – if anything, he would lie to try and help his friend out, but Tim said that Jordan definitely is going with that girl to homecoming. I’m really upset because I was really looking forward to taking him to the Incubus concert on Sunday since I literally bought the tickets just to go with him, and now I have no clue who to go with. There’s no way I’m going to take him now. Sometimes I think I want to, but then I remember all the lies and there’s just no way. Especially when the night before he’ll be at homecoming with another girl! My hand is getting tired and I have to feed the cats. I’ll write more after I finally talk to Jordan.

Later: Somehow I knew this would happen. Ever since 3:00 yesterday, I have been dying to talk to Jordan. I know things he has no clue I found out about. It’s 10:00pm on a Tuesday night and I haven’t spoken to him since Sunday. When I tried calling last night, his stepdad said he wasn’t home. Tonight I kept calling and finally someone answered at 9:15 saying that Jordan hadn’t been home all night. I have this bad feeling in my stomach that he’s hanging out with some other girl. I can’t concentrate on homework at this point. All I can think about is where the hell is Jordan? When things were going well between us again, he couldn’t even stay at my house any later than 8:30pm because he always had to go to bed or concentrate on football or something ridiculous. Now it’s after 10:00pm on a school night and he isn’t home…that makes me very angry. I’ve been so honest with him about everything because I seriously loved him more than anything. What really hurts is knowing that if I did talk to him and asked where he was tonight or last night, he would just lie. There are times where I sit there, sobbing, saying, “Please, if you care about me at all you will tell me the truth right now,” and he still denies everything. It’s amazing. God, why hasn’t he called me back? It’s so frustrating. For the past two weeks, he has called me almost every day and now it’s back to ignoring me. I have to go.

Commentary: I’m nostalgic about childhood, but not really about high school because of things like this.  Although these experiences were difficult, they prepared me for future relationship issues I’d be dealing with.  Today’s photo is of me in the Mustang sporting my “SENIORS” shirt, looking thrilled as always. 

This Is Too Painful to Even Write About — August 6, 2016

This Is Too Painful to Even Write About


09/09/02:  Last night I waited and waited and just couldn’t stand it anymore. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep at night unless I found out what was going on. At around 9:15, I went to his house. I saw his car there and was thinking, okay, so why the hell hasn’t he called? So then I walk into his room and he’s just sitting there watching TV. When he saw me come in the door he was like, “What are you doing over here?” sounding mad. He said he had been sitting at home watching football all weekend. I seriously could not help but cry my eyes out at that point. I remembered everything I had gone through and how much I needed him and all the messages I had left…it hurts so bad to know that that whole time he was sitting there watching TV, not caring about how I must be feeling. So anyway, we tried to talk about things and he said that he wants to be with me but he needs time by himself right now. So after putting me through hell this weekend and making me wait around for him, he asked to not see me for the next week. He said that he has to concentrate on football. He said today he would probably stop by Tim’s after practice, but only for a few minutes. Well I called him tonight and he isn’t home at 8:30! Practice ended at 6:00. Oh yeah, he has to concentrate on football…whatever. This is too painful to even write about, so I have to go. Sorry, but I might not write anymore in here for awhile. It’s just too hard.

Commentary: I have a very good memory of this event. Since texting didn’t exist, my only options were to either call the land line phone or show up at his house. I assumed he was staying over at a friend’s house and that’s why I couldn’t get ahold of him, so it definitely sucked to find out that he had been home all weekend and was intentionally ignoring me. I can still remember how shocked I was when I approached his house and saw his car sitting outside. I couldn’t believe he had been home the whole time! I’m sure he wasn’t expecting me to just walk right in his house and into his bedroom. Thank goodness the new girl he was hanging out with wasn’t with him or I would have REALLY freaked out! 

It’s Really Over Now — August 5, 2016

It’s Really Over Now


09/08/02:  Well it’s 12:00am and I still haven’t heard from Jordan. He usually goes to his grandma’s house on Sunday mornings, but he leaves around 11 or 11:30am. I called at 10:00 this morning and left another message. He never called me back. Around 11:30 I went over to his house to see if he was home, but his car wasn’t there, so I left. I just don’t know what to do anymore. This isn’t like him. I know he has had many chances to call, it’s not like he has been so busy that he just couldn’t pick up the phone. He could call from his grandma’s house, but of course he won’t. Today I cleaned my room and took down things that reminded me of Jordan. It’s really over now. I mean supposedly we are still going out because he never officially broke up with me, but you don’t treat your girlfriend like this. Yesterday I never got to talk to him at all, and that alone makes me want to cry. I don’t know where he was yesterday, but I’m assuming he was with Tim. That pretty much means Tim means more to him than I do because we had plans and he totally ditched me. Tim is going through a really hard time right now, though. He was in a boating accident and his cousin ended up dying. Tim has lots of people there for him – he has his family to talk to since they are kind of going through the same thing and he has other friends, but Jordan is all I have. Last night I really needed him and he wasn’t there for me. Last year when Jordan was going through a hard time or if he was upset about losing a football game, he would always come over to my house and I would always make him feel better. Now when that happens, he runs to someone else. Like on Friday night – IVC lost to Washington like 40 to zero or something. I really hoped he would come over after the game so I could be there for him, but he went to someone else. This is my absolute worst nightmare. I never thought he would wake up one morning and totally have a change of heart, but that’s what happened. He just doesn’t love me as much anymore. Well I have so much homework to do and my stupid period is going to start, so I have bad cramps. I’ll write more later if he ever calls or comes over.

Later:  Right now it is 7:30 at night. I still haven’t heard from Jordan, which means the whole weekend I haven’t even talked to my own boyfriend. This is ridiculous! He better have an apology ready along with a REALLY good excuse. I’m just afraid he’s with some other girl…that’s all I can think about. If he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, why can’t he just tell me that instead of ignoring me? Anyway, in photography we’ve had an assignment for the past week to use our 25 exposure roll of film. The film is due tomorrow, and even at 3:00 this afternoon I still hadn’t even put the film in my camera. So finally I got my lazy butt moving and am glad that is done and over with. Now I’m listening to some Red Hot Chili Peppers to get my mind off of everything. All I know is that I want a boyfriend…even if it’s not Jordan. My favorite time of the year is coming up and I want someone to share it with. Jordan doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore, so I guess I’ll have to find someone else.  I love Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and I want to have a boyfriend who will want to go to haunted houses with me and the Chili Boil and things like that. This weekend has really made me realize how wrong I was about Jordan and that I deserve much better. I think I’m getting over him, though. I haven’t cried at all today – that’s a start. Well I have to do laundry and homework, so I’ll write later if Jordan ever calls (which he won’t)!

Commentary: That’s one of my biggest pet peeves – when people don’t want to deal with confrontation, so they avoid and ignore instead of dealing with the situation. If people could have open, honest conversations about their feelings, then life would be a little easier! Maybe I should have just assumed things were over and moved on, but I felt like I needed an explanation. I wanted to know if he was really seeing someone else or if his feelings had simply changed. 

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