Broken heart

09/07/02:  Sorry I haven’t written in a few weeks. I’ve been experiencing the hardest time of my life so far. Even though I hung out with Josh and had a great time, I still love Jordan more than anything. I just wanted to see Josh while he was in town. My relationship with Jordan started going downhill about a month and a half ago, maybe longer, I’m not really sure. I really don’t have anyone to talk to about all this because no one is there to listen anymore. I have never been so sad and alone. I’ve cried pretty much every day for a month over all this, and I’m sure Jordan hasn’t even shed one tear. At the beginning, I would do things unintentionally that ended up hurting Jordan, but I don’t think I was ready for a serious relationship yet. I had never had a real boyfriend before and didn’t know how to act. I don’t think I took it as seriously as Jordan did in the beginning. He had been in a relationship before, so he knew more about how to act and all that. So anyway, I ended up falling in love with him and was more open to him than I’ve ever been to anyone in my life. Big mistake. There was a time when things were perfect between us. We both said how much we loved each other all the time and how we didn’t want anything to change. Well every single thing that could have changed has changed for the worst. I went from loving him to loving him so much more. He is the most important person in my life. The only thing that has changed about me is that I love him so much more than ever, which makes this all incredibly difficult. I’m crying right now just thinking about it. Anyway, I guess me hanging out with Josh was a bad idea because that’s when Jordan changed and decided to not care anymore. Honestly, I didn’t see what the big deal was. It’s not like I was cheating on him with Josh. I even told Josh from the very beginning that I was in a relationship so he wouldn’t try anything or get his hopes up. I just wanted to see Josh because he was a friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in over a year. I know that if this one girl Mel came back from Norway, Jordan would hang out with her at least once. I don’t know, maybe this is my fault, but it shouldn’t have gone this far. He has done so much bad stuff to me lately. For instance, going to Horizon (dance club) and lying to me about it. There are two reasons you go there – to dance or to get with a girl/guy. You don’t go there to just stand around. I know that Jordan probably talked to other girls or danced with them, and that’s what hurts even more. I feel like I can’t trust him. I have told him the truth about everything, even if I knew it would make him mad. He feels the need to hide things that he thinks would make me upset, and he thinks there’s nothing wrong with that. Well not telling someone something is still lying. Also, he will go to other places and not tell me and I’ll have to find out from someone at his school. It makes me look like an idiot because I don’t even know what my own boyfriend is doing or where he is. I just look stupid for going out with a guy who doesn’t tell me the truth. Well yeah, maybe it is stupid, but when you love someone as much as I love Jordan, all you want to do is forgive them and make things how they used to be. Love is blinding! I can be so mad at Jordan one minute, and the next minute want to hug him and make everything better. I’ve never had to deal with this kind of thing before. With any other guy that I’ve been interested in, if they messed up one time I would just be done with them and that was the end of it. It’s just hard because I’ve never opened up to someone like I have with Jordan, and I know our relationship is going to have a lasting effect on me. He’s not someone who I’m going to forget about. If I’m ever in a relationship with another guy, it just won’t work because I will be fearful of letting the person get to know me and get too close. You can’t get hurt if the person doesn’t know you that well and you aren’t close, and if that’s the case you can’t really be in love. Another issue I’m having with Jordan is that he’s never there when I need him. I’ll call because I really want to talk to him about something, but he won’t be home and I won’t know where he is. That has happened so many times, and he NEVER calls me anymore. He might only if I tell him to, but otherwise he won’t call me just to talk or out of the blue. If I could have seen the future and if I knew things would turn out like this, as bad as they are, I still would have dated him. Even though Jordan has hurt me more than anyone ever has or ever could, I don’t regret anything. I have learned so much. I learned how to love and care about someone. I also learned a lot about myself. I learned things about life in general, and I feel like I’ve matured so much. I’m a lot stronger now. Some other things that have been going on between us lately would be yesterday, for example. I went over to his house after school. I made a “good luck” sign for him, which I spent a lot of time on and really tried to make it look nice. It was because he had a football game last night. So anyway, I gave the sign to him and he didn’t even say thanks and seemed like he didn’t even care. I tried to talk to him, but he would be like, “Shut up, I’m trying to concentrate on football,” so I just left. There is no point in me being over there if I can’t even talk to him. He has been ditching me lately, too. One night we made plans for him to come over at 6:30, and at 9:00 he finally showed up. He had been at another friend’s house. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if he would have just called to let me know, but once again he left me waiting. I was upset because that day I did my homework in a hurry right when I got home from school just so I could hang out with him. He actually had the nerve to say, “You should have just assumed I wasn’t coming.” Every time we make plans, he’s late. Sometimes 15 minutes, sometimes a half hour, sometimes an hour, two hours, three…I mean I just never know. Then yesterday when I gave him that “good luck” thing, I had also written a note on the back. It said, “Get sleep tonight so we can hang out all day tomorrow.” And like two days ago I asked him to go to the mall with me on Saturday (today). So last night I left a message on his machine saying “call me” and surprise, surprise – no call from him. Then today he hasn’t called me once or come over. He totally ditched me again. I called again and his stepdad said that he was in Chillicothe somewhere. It’s 7:30pm right now and I still haven’t heard from him. I could have done something today, but I sat here waiting around and he doesn’t even care. I’m going to Florida next month and I told Jordan about it. He had no reaction. He didn’t care, just like everything else. I’ll be there for a week, which is kind of a long time, and Jordan won’t miss me at all, I already know that. In the past, Jordan would be there for me through everything. I always felt like I could talk to him and cry in his arms if I needed to. I don’t feel that way now. I’m so alone and depressed. There have been a few times where I would sit down with Jordan to have a serious talk. We agreed to go back out and try harder to make things better, because for a few weeks he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to go back out with me. I’ll always think after one of our talks that we accomplished something, but the next day it’s all the same again. I just can’t deal with it anymore. Everything could be so perfect if he would just change his attitude a little bit. Things could be so great between us if he would do things differently like not ditch me, but he won’t change. The thing that hurts is that he won’t even try and I’ve been all about him lately. I know our relationship has been having problems lately, so I haven’t been going out anywhere or hanging out with any of my friends. I could be in Bloomington right now because Nick invited me to go, but no, I’m waiting around for Jordan. A few minutes ago my mom asked me why I wasn’t going out tonight like I had planned. I said that I didn’t feel like it. She wanted me to talk to her about what is going on, so I tried talking to her about it. That’s when she told me that I was just complaining and started yelling at me. I really lost it and started crying. That’s when she said, “Go ahead and cry, that’s what you’re best at.” I’m never going to forgive her for that. That’s what makes this so hard. I don’t have anyone to run to when I’m arguing with my mom. Sometimes I’ll try to talk to Cara about everything, but I end up even more upset because I realize how much she doesn’t understand. She’s always like, “Why can’t you just be friends with him?” That would be too hard. No one could ever understand unless they’ve actually been through what I’m going through. You know what else sucks? I just bought tickets to go see Incubus again because Jordan was starting to actually like them and I wanted to share the experience with him. Now who am I gonna go with?  Also, last New Year’s Eve we didn’t get to see each other because I was in Chicago. We said that no matter what happens between us, we are going to spend this New Year’s together. Man, I’ve spent my whole night writing this. It’s 8:00pm and I keep thinking that Jordan might still come over. I need to forget about it though and realize that he’s not coming. Paul still wants to go out with me but I know that wouldn’t work out, so there’s no way I would even consider it. Right now I’m stuck. I know the same bad things will keep happening if I stay with Jordan and I’ll continue to be hurt and cry while he doesn’t care, but if I stop talking to him completely and try to forget him, that won’t work either. I’ll probably cry even more. Some people say the easiest way to get over someone is to go out with someone else. I kind of agree, because when Jordan and I aren’t going out, all I do is sit around and think about him, but if I went out and got myself another boyfriend, I would constantly be comparing him to Jordan. All I know is that I can’t keep things how they are now. You never know, maybe I’ll go out with someone new and think he’s so much better than Jordan, but right now that seems impossible to tell you the truth. I might end up with someone who actually pays for things, isn’t late all the time, and doesn’t ditch me, but it’s hard to imagine someone loving me more than Jordan did. What I need to realize and accept is that things have changed, and he doesn’t love me like that anymore. Plus, football is his life. He may say that I’m more important, but I don’t think that’s true. Last year I can remember times where he would go to football practice and come to my house as soon as possible after that because he wanted to see me so badly. Now he stays later to lift weights (which is optional) and then he’ll go to someone else’s house after that. I used to so be the first thing on his list and now he doesn’t care about seeing me. I feel like at this point if he had the choice to hang out with me or another friend, he would pick the other friend. Well I’m sick of thinking about all this. Hopefully I’ll move on and find someone else. I’m sure Jordan wouldn’t mind.

Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse…after I stopped writing earlier, I thought I would go listen to some music in my room since that’s the only thing that makes me feel better, so I put on a Red Hot Chili Peppers CD and danced around my room. I was actually feeling better for awhile. I actually thought Jordan would stop by or at least call. It’s after 11:00pm right now and I still haven’t heard anything from him. I called his house but no one ever answers, so I started feeling sad again as the time passed by. Then my mom told me that she went online and bought plane tickets already to go to Florida. I of course love Florida and would absolutely love to go, but I would have to miss school and I feel like it’s just bad timing. My mom and I have really not been getting along lately, so I feel like if I went we would just end up fighting the whole time. Plus, I would be missing the Chili Boil Halloween party in my neighborhood that I go to every single year. I was so scared to tell my mom that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go because I knew she would freak out. Well tonight I decided to tell her that I didn’t think it would be a good idea for me to go. She completely flipped out. She was so mad, I couldn’t even believe it. I’m proud of myself though because I kept my cool and didn’t freak out on her. I really didn’t think she had any right to be so mad at me. So then she said this to me – “Good, I don’t even want you to go. I would much rather go alone and not spend the money on you. You aren’t worth $250.00 to me anyway.” That’s pretty cold. At that point I tried to talk to my dad about things thinking he might understand. He told me I need to make more friends and how I don’t get along with anyone and that I should get rid of Jordan for good because he’s making me unhappy. I ended up just going outside and crying more. I needed Jordan tonight more than anything, and he wasn’t there for me. I’ve cried so much that I now have a nosebleed, so I have to go take care of it.

Commentary: How could I turn down a free trip to Florida?! It’s understandable why I didn’t want to go, but getting away from the situation would have helped clear my head a bit. I feel bad for my younger self when I read entries like this. It’s always hard when you realize the person you’re in a relationship with doesn’t feel the same way about you anymore. I can’t really blame him, though, since I was constantly hanging out with other guys and not giving our relationship the attention it needed. I should have taken my dad’s advice to separate myself from Jordan and try to make new friends.