My 20-Year Diary

I will be posting 20 years of my diary entries, ages 8-28, from 1993-2014!

Love Is Blinding! — July 24, 2016

Love Is Blinding!

Broken heart

09/07/02:  Sorry I haven’t written in a few weeks. I’ve been experiencing the hardest time of my life so far. Even though I hung out with Josh and had a great time, I still love Jordan more than anything. I just wanted to see Josh while he was in town. My relationship with Jordan started going downhill about a month and a half ago, maybe longer, I’m not really sure. I really don’t have anyone to talk to about all this because no one is there to listen anymore. I have never been so sad and alone. I’ve cried pretty much every day for a month over all this, and I’m sure Jordan hasn’t even shed one tear. At the beginning, I would do things unintentionally that ended up hurting Jordan, but I don’t think I was ready for a serious relationship yet. I had never had a real boyfriend before and didn’t know how to act. I don’t think I took it as seriously as Jordan did in the beginning. He had been in a relationship before, so he knew more about how to act and all that. So anyway, I ended up falling in love with him and was more open to him than I’ve ever been to anyone in my life. Big mistake. There was a time when things were perfect between us. We both said how much we loved each other all the time and how we didn’t want anything to change. Well every single thing that could have changed has changed for the worst. I went from loving him to loving him so much more. He is the most important person in my life. The only thing that has changed about me is that I love him so much more than ever, which makes this all incredibly difficult. I’m crying right now just thinking about it. Anyway, I guess me hanging out with Josh was a bad idea because that’s when Jordan changed and decided to not care anymore. Honestly, I didn’t see what the big deal was. It’s not like I was cheating on him with Josh. I even told Josh from the very beginning that I was in a relationship so he wouldn’t try anything or get his hopes up. I just wanted to see Josh because he was a friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in over a year. I know that if this one girl Mel came back from Norway, Jordan would hang out with her at least once. I don’t know, maybe this is my fault, but it shouldn’t have gone this far. He has done so much bad stuff to me lately. For instance, going to Horizon (dance club) and lying to me about it. There are two reasons you go there – to dance or to get with a girl/guy. You don’t go there to just stand around. I know that Jordan probably talked to other girls or danced with them, and that’s what hurts even more. I feel like I can’t trust him. I have told him the truth about everything, even if I knew it would make him mad. He feels the need to hide things that he thinks would make me upset, and he thinks there’s nothing wrong with that. Well not telling someone something is still lying. Also, he will go to other places and not tell me and I’ll have to find out from someone at his school. It makes me look like an idiot because I don’t even know what my own boyfriend is doing or where he is. I just look stupid for going out with a guy who doesn’t tell me the truth. Well yeah, maybe it is stupid, but when you love someone as much as I love Jordan, all you want to do is forgive them and make things how they used to be. Love is blinding! I can be so mad at Jordan one minute, and the next minute want to hug him and make everything better. I’ve never had to deal with this kind of thing before. With any other guy that I’ve been interested in, if they messed up one time I would just be done with them and that was the end of it. It’s just hard because I’ve never opened up to someone like I have with Jordan, and I know our relationship is going to have a lasting effect on me. He’s not someone who I’m going to forget about. If I’m ever in a relationship with another guy, it just won’t work because I will be fearful of letting the person get to know me and get too close. You can’t get hurt if the person doesn’t know you that well and you aren’t close, and if that’s the case you can’t really be in love. Another issue I’m having with Jordan is that he’s never there when I need him. I’ll call because I really want to talk to him about something, but he won’t be home and I won’t know where he is. That has happened so many times, and he NEVER calls me anymore. He might only if I tell him to, but otherwise he won’t call me just to talk or out of the blue. If I could have seen the future and if I knew things would turn out like this, as bad as they are, I still would have dated him. Even though Jordan has hurt me more than anyone ever has or ever could, I don’t regret anything. I have learned so much. I learned how to love and care about someone. I also learned a lot about myself. I learned things about life in general, and I feel like I’ve matured so much. I’m a lot stronger now. Some other things that have been going on between us lately would be yesterday, for example. I went over to his house after school. I made a “good luck” sign for him, which I spent a lot of time on and really tried to make it look nice. It was because he had a football game last night. So anyway, I gave the sign to him and he didn’t even say thanks and seemed like he didn’t even care. I tried to talk to him, but he would be like, “Shut up, I’m trying to concentrate on football,” so I just left. There is no point in me being over there if I can’t even talk to him. He has been ditching me lately, too. One night we made plans for him to come over at 6:30, and at 9:00 he finally showed up. He had been at another friend’s house. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if he would have just called to let me know, but once again he left me waiting. I was upset because that day I did my homework in a hurry right when I got home from school just so I could hang out with him. He actually had the nerve to say, “You should have just assumed I wasn’t coming.” Every time we make plans, he’s late. Sometimes 15 minutes, sometimes a half hour, sometimes an hour, two hours, three…I mean I just never know. Then yesterday when I gave him that “good luck” thing, I had also written a note on the back. It said, “Get sleep tonight so we can hang out all day tomorrow.” And like two days ago I asked him to go to the mall with me on Saturday (today). So last night I left a message on his machine saying “call me” and surprise, surprise – no call from him. Then today he hasn’t called me once or come over. He totally ditched me again. I called again and his stepdad said that he was in Chillicothe somewhere. It’s 7:30pm right now and I still haven’t heard from him. I could have done something today, but I sat here waiting around and he doesn’t even care. I’m going to Florida next month and I told Jordan about it. He had no reaction. He didn’t care, just like everything else. I’ll be there for a week, which is kind of a long time, and Jordan won’t miss me at all, I already know that. In the past, Jordan would be there for me through everything. I always felt like I could talk to him and cry in his arms if I needed to. I don’t feel that way now. I’m so alone and depressed. There have been a few times where I would sit down with Jordan to have a serious talk. We agreed to go back out and try harder to make things better, because for a few weeks he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to go back out with me. I’ll always think after one of our talks that we accomplished something, but the next day it’s all the same again. I just can’t deal with it anymore. Everything could be so perfect if he would just change his attitude a little bit. Things could be so great between us if he would do things differently like not ditch me, but he won’t change. The thing that hurts is that he won’t even try and I’ve been all about him lately. I know our relationship has been having problems lately, so I haven’t been going out anywhere or hanging out with any of my friends. I could be in Bloomington right now because Nick invited me to go, but no, I’m waiting around for Jordan. A few minutes ago my mom asked me why I wasn’t going out tonight like I had planned. I said that I didn’t feel like it. She wanted me to talk to her about what is going on, so I tried talking to her about it. That’s when she told me that I was just complaining and started yelling at me. I really lost it and started crying. That’s when she said, “Go ahead and cry, that’s what you’re best at.” I’m never going to forgive her for that. That’s what makes this so hard. I don’t have anyone to run to when I’m arguing with my mom. Sometimes I’ll try to talk to Cara about everything, but I end up even more upset because I realize how much she doesn’t understand. She’s always like, “Why can’t you just be friends with him?” That would be too hard. No one could ever understand unless they’ve actually been through what I’m going through. You know what else sucks? I just bought tickets to go see Incubus again because Jordan was starting to actually like them and I wanted to share the experience with him. Now who am I gonna go with?  Also, last New Year’s Eve we didn’t get to see each other because I was in Chicago. We said that no matter what happens between us, we are going to spend this New Year’s together. Man, I’ve spent my whole night writing this. It’s 8:00pm and I keep thinking that Jordan might still come over. I need to forget about it though and realize that he’s not coming. Paul still wants to go out with me but I know that wouldn’t work out, so there’s no way I would even consider it. Right now I’m stuck. I know the same bad things will keep happening if I stay with Jordan and I’ll continue to be hurt and cry while he doesn’t care, but if I stop talking to him completely and try to forget him, that won’t work either. I’ll probably cry even more. Some people say the easiest way to get over someone is to go out with someone else. I kind of agree, because when Jordan and I aren’t going out, all I do is sit around and think about him, but if I went out and got myself another boyfriend, I would constantly be comparing him to Jordan. All I know is that I can’t keep things how they are now. You never know, maybe I’ll go out with someone new and think he’s so much better than Jordan, but right now that seems impossible to tell you the truth. I might end up with someone who actually pays for things, isn’t late all the time, and doesn’t ditch me, but it’s hard to imagine someone loving me more than Jordan did. What I need to realize and accept is that things have changed, and he doesn’t love me like that anymore. Plus, football is his life. He may say that I’m more important, but I don’t think that’s true. Last year I can remember times where he would go to football practice and come to my house as soon as possible after that because he wanted to see me so badly. Now he stays later to lift weights (which is optional) and then he’ll go to someone else’s house after that. I used to so be the first thing on his list and now he doesn’t care about seeing me. I feel like at this point if he had the choice to hang out with me or another friend, he would pick the other friend. Well I’m sick of thinking about all this. Hopefully I’ll move on and find someone else. I’m sure Jordan wouldn’t mind.

Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse…after I stopped writing earlier, I thought I would go listen to some music in my room since that’s the only thing that makes me feel better, so I put on a Red Hot Chili Peppers CD and danced around my room. I was actually feeling better for awhile. I actually thought Jordan would stop by or at least call. It’s after 11:00pm right now and I still haven’t heard anything from him. I called his house but no one ever answers, so I started feeling sad again as the time passed by. Then my mom told me that she went online and bought plane tickets already to go to Florida. I of course love Florida and would absolutely love to go, but I would have to miss school and I feel like it’s just bad timing. My mom and I have really not been getting along lately, so I feel like if I went we would just end up fighting the whole time. Plus, I would be missing the Chili Boil Halloween party in my neighborhood that I go to every single year. I was so scared to tell my mom that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go because I knew she would freak out. Well tonight I decided to tell her that I didn’t think it would be a good idea for me to go. She completely flipped out. She was so mad, I couldn’t even believe it. I’m proud of myself though because I kept my cool and didn’t freak out on her. I really didn’t think she had any right to be so mad at me. So then she said this to me – “Good, I don’t even want you to go. I would much rather go alone and not spend the money on you. You aren’t worth $250.00 to me anyway.” That’s pretty cold. At that point I tried to talk to my dad about things thinking he might understand. He told me I need to make more friends and how I don’t get along with anyone and that I should get rid of Jordan for good because he’s making me unhappy. I ended up just going outside and crying more. I needed Jordan tonight more than anything, and he wasn’t there for me. I’ve cried so much that I now have a nosebleed, so I have to go take care of it.

Commentary: How could I turn down a free trip to Florida?! It’s understandable why I didn’t want to go, but getting away from the situation would have helped clear my head a bit. I feel bad for my younger self when I read entries like this. It’s always hard when you realize the person you’re in a relationship with doesn’t feel the same way about you anymore. I can’t really blame him, though, since I was constantly hanging out with other guys and not giving our relationship the attention it needed. I should have taken my dad’s advice to separate myself from Jordan and try to make new friends.

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He Makes Me Laugh So Much! — July 16, 2016

He Makes Me Laugh So Much!

cheddars

08/18/02:  When Josh from TN told me that he was going to come back, I didn’t really think it was going to happen.  On Thursday, August 8th, two days after my previous entry, he came back!  I was out somewhere and when I came home, my mom said that Josh had called.  I will NEVER forget the feeling I had when those words came out of her mouth.  It felt like my heart did a flip in my chest.  I was speechless for a few minutes.  So then I called him back and of course really wanted to see him ASAP.  For some reason though, I didn’t sound that enthused.  Josh even said that I didn’t really sound like I cared about him being back.  Well I did – I don’t know what my problem was.  Anywho, Josh and Chris were going to hang out, so I said I would talk to him later.  On Friday, Josh and I didn’t hang out because I had to work the whole day.  Then Saturday was the carnival at the Christian Center, so I had to work that day also.  Saturday night was the first time I had seen Josh in over a year.  Jordan said he would never talk to me again if I hung out with Josh, but I didn’t care – I had to see him again!  So I drove to Lacon and went to Chris’ house where Josh was staying (I was really freaking out at this point).  I went upstairs to his room and at first didn’t think Josh was even in the room because all I saw were three people I didn’t know, but then someone said “hey” to me and I looked over – Josh!  I hadn’t even recognized him.  He wasn’t wearing glasses like last summer and his hair was really short.  So anyway, we watched a movie called Oh Brother, Where Art Thou or something, which was really boring.  Josh was trying to flirt with me during the movie, but I didn’t really say much because the whole situation was kind of weird.  So that was that night.  Now this is the part where I don’t remember exactly which days I hung out with him and which days I didn’t.  I guess it doesn’t matter too much, though.  Jordan was upset that Josh and I were hanging out again and we basically broke up for a few days.  I decided I wasn’t going to let Jordan tell me who I could hang out with, so I hung out with Josh a lot until the day he left.  I thought I might regret it if I never saw him while he was here, ya know?  The next night I went over to Chris’ house around 8:30 p.m.  Josh told me earlier that he was going shopping somewhere and would be back at 8:00 p.m.  I came a half hour later just to make sure that he would be back, but he wasn’t even there yet.  I had to watch a movie called Shallow Hal with Chris and his two other friends.  Josh finally got home around 9:15, and I was pretty pissed off because I had to leave at 10:30 and he had wasted an hour and 15 minutes of my time.  Once he sat down next to me though, everything was cool and I went from being so mad at him to being so happy.  Last summer was awesome, and I have a lot of great memories from the times we hung out.  He always made me forget all of my problems, and it was like nothing else mattered when I was with him.  He makes me laugh so much!  I was kinda scared about seeing him again because I thought his personality might be totally different since people can change a lot over a year.  Once we started hanging out, everything was the same as it was last summer, and I was so happy about that.  Each time we hung out, I opened up more and more to him.  I don’t think I realized last summer how much I liked him until he was gone.  The next day, I hung out with Shawna and we went shopping at the mall.  She is going to college in New York, so I wanted to spend time with her before she left.  Then that night, I went back to Lacon to see Josh.  We watched a movie called Deep Blue Sea, and it was a lot of fun.  Josh told me that on his last day here, all he wants to do is hang out with me.  So the next day came…his last full day in IL.  Samantha called and wanted me to go to the Taste of Peoria with her.  She said that Josh could come, too.  She came over to my house while I was still getting ready.  Then we went to Lacon to pick Josh up.  I’ll probably go into a lot of detail talking about this day because it was the most fun I’ve had all summer. So we picked Josh up, and the whole way to Peoria he kept making me laugh so hard. He has such a great sense of humor. When we got to the Taste of Peoria we realized how expensive everything was, so we didn’t end up staying long. Every time we stopped to look at the map to decide where to eat next, Josh would put his arm around me and that made the whole experience more special. Afterwards, we went to Cheddars to eat. We didn’t end up eating much at the Taste of Peoria because of the money issue. When we were at Cheddar’s, I had to use the restroom. I wanted to know what was said while I was gone, so the next day I asked Samantha. She said that she asked Josh if he liked me and he said, “Why would I be spending so much time with her if I didn’t like her?” He also said that Chris likes me. That is shocking because Chris is Samantha’s ex boyfriend. Then we drove back to my house. Samantha ended up just dropping us off and went to her new boyfriend’s house. Josh talked to my parents for a little while and then we decided to go see a movie at Willow Knolls. When we got there, the movie we wanted to see started at 9:00 and it was only 8:30. We decided to take a walk, which was nice, since we never really get a chance to hang out alone. Usually we would always be with Samantha and Chris. So we talked for awhile and it was awesome. Then we went back to the theater. I just wanted to savor the next few hours with him because every time he leaves to go back to TN I know there’s always a chance I won’t ever see him again. We saw a movie called Signs and neither one of us liked it very much. Then I had to drive him all the way back to Lacon. We hugged for probably 10 minutes straight. I really didn’t want to leave, but it was almost midnight and I had to work the next morning. We said goodbye and he told me he loved me. He also let me keep the shirt he wore that night. As I was driving home, I couldn’t help but cry. He has been gone for five days now and I already miss him believe it or not. Last night he called me and we talked for about an hour and a half! On the phone he asked me how I felt about him, and that’s a hard question for me to answer. I have a lot of fun when I’m with him, but we are better as just friends. Besides, he lives so far away there’s no way we could be in any kind of relationship. I’m sick of writing and have things to do because school starts tomorrow!

Commentary: I miss Cheddar’s! I used to go there quite often, but it closed down.  Anyway, I mentioned there was always a chance that Josh would go back to Tennessee and I’d never see him again, and that’s basically what happened.  We went on with our lives and didn’t talk at all for about ten years, and then I received a message from him on Facebook. It was very sweet and basically just said that he still thinks about me and will never forget the good times we had during those two summers in high school. I wonder how many people actually read this entire diary entry since it is quite long! 

He Is Such a Liar, and Ughhh — July 12, 2016

He Is Such a Liar, and Ughhh

fish pillow

08/06/02:  It feels really strange not being in color guard.  I have done it for the past three years, but decided not to my senior year because most of my friends who were in it with me graduated last year.  Like Samantha and Shawna, for example.  All the people in it now are dumb!  Band camp is this week and I’m glad to be missing out on that!  I was going to go on Friday to see how much progress everyone has made and see what the show is going to be like, but I have to work.  Another reason I’m not in it is because the band director left.  That really sucks because he was such a great guy.  Anyway, Cara and I hung out last night.  We went to our friend’s house and watched a movie, and then we went to Sunnyland to hang out with Nick and Paul.  We went to some pool hall and it was boring, so we went back to Cara’s house and I spent the night there.  Today I mostly slept, and then Cara and I went to Cody’s house since he was having a little get together.  We didn’t stay long because we were the only girls there, and all the guys were so freaking immature!  Then we drove to Marci’s in Washington and ran into Nick and Paul.  When Paul and I talked earlier today, he said all this crap about how he really wanted to hang out with me.  He ended up ignoring me the entire night and just flirted with some girl.  Cara and I decided to leave.  I’m really going to stay the heck away from Paul from now on.  He is such a liar, and ughhh.  Well I have to wake up early for work and it’s 1:00 in the morning.  Goodnight!

Commentary: I somewhat regret not being in color guard my senior year. As I mentioned, my friends had previously graduated, and I apparently decided that everyone left was “dumb.” So much for using that as an opportunity to make new friends! I decided to post a completely random pic from 2002 of my dad and I sitting in his van. He’s very proudly (and creepily) holding up his fish pillow. 

I Have to Drive Her ’92 Piece of Crap! — July 10, 2016

I Have to Drive Her ’92 Piece of Crap!

pontiac

(photo from cargurus.com)

08/05/02:  I haven’t written in this thing in over a month!  Anyway, Las Vegas was a hell of a lot of fun.  I seriously did not want to leave.  All I have really been doing this summer is working and hanging out with Jordan.  Two days ago, my sister moved to Florida and took the Mustang.  Now I have to drive her ’92 piece of crap!  So today when I got home from work, I cleaned the car really well both inside and out.  Things between Jordan and I have gotten better.  We have been going out for almost one year and six months.  A few nights ago we got in a huge fight, though.  That sucked, and I don’t even want to talk about it.  Josh from TN is supposedly coming back here on Thursday.  Whatever, I’ll believe it when I see it.  At first, I was excited to hang out with him again because I really enjoyed seeing him last summer, but Jordan said that if I hang out with Josh at all, he will never talk to me again.  It will probably just cause a lot of drama if he comes back, ugh.  Things between Paul and I have been really messed up lately.  One minute he’ll tell me that he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, and then a couple days later he’ll want to go out with me.  I just don’t know what to do anymore, but I know that things are definitely over between him and I.  We will never go out or date again.  Even though I shouldn’t let what he says get to me, I’m still hurt.  Anyways, school starts on the 20th.  I guess I’m ready to go back because this summer hasn’t been that great.  Jordan has to work every day from 8:30 a.m. – 5:00 p.m., and I don’t really hang out with my other friends.  Ian and I stopped talking.  Cara and I are friends, but don’t hang out much.  Jordan is supposed to be at my house right now, but of course is more than an hour late.  I’m seriously so fed up with him.  I love him with all my heart, but he hurts me a lot.  Anyway, I feel like crap and am depressed, so I’ll write more another day!

Commentary: I’m confused – at the beginning of this entry I say that things between Jordan and I have gotten better, and by the end I’m talking about how fed up I am with him and how much he hurts me. Goodness. Today’s photo is of a teal Pontiac Grand Am that’s very similar to the “92 piece of crap” that I had to drive. It even had the same teal rims! Just looking at that type of car brings back a lot of memories and makes me feel super nostalgic. 

It’s a Lot More Than Just Beating on Drums — July 6, 2016

It’s a Lot More Than Just Beating on Drums

wax museum

06/21/02:  I had a very nice birthday yesterday.  First, I went to the pool and tried to get a better tan.  Then I came back up to our hotel room and called Jordan.  He finally answered after like the 6th time I called.  He said he has a surprise for me when I get back.  Oooh, I wonder what it is!  We had a nice little talk, and then I had to get ready to leave.  We walked to a hotel called Mandalay Bay and ate dinner there.  I had mini corn dogs that were sooo good.  Then we went to a shop and I got a really cute necklace and bracelet.  After that, it was time to go to the Luxor hotel, which is this huge black pyramid.  I met my brother there and we went to see the Blue Man group.  It was so freakin’ awesome!  It’s a lot more than just beating on drums.  It’s actually more of a comedy act.  I really enjoyed getting to do that on my birthday.  Then we met my parents outside of the theater and walked to the Excalibur and then to the Venetian, which is the most expensive hotel on the strip.  We took some pictures, and then we took a cab back to the hotel.  Oh yeah, and two really strange things have happened.  First, there was this one song I was thinking about the whole day and when we walked into Pizza Hut to eat, that song was playing!  It was the day we went to the Grand Canyon.  Then last night, I burst into song every few minutes and when we walked into a casino in one of the hotels, the song I had been singing was playing.  I was like, wow – that is so freaky.  Anyway, there is this one show on MTV that I watch a lot called The Real World.  I’ve watched the show ever since I was about 13 years old.  Every season takes place in a different city.  The one they are showing now was done in Chicago, and it’s cool watching that because I was just there for New Year’s.  I had gone up to the top floor of the Hancock building, and the people on the show did the same thing.  Since I’m in Vegas, I was wondering if they’ve ever done a season here and realized they haven’t.  I figured it might be one of the next seasons. Last night my family and I were driving around in a cab, and all of the sudden our driver asked if any of us ever watch The Real World.  I told him that I watch it all the time, and he told me that the next season will take place in Vegas!  He said he drove two of the girls from the cast around in his cab!  Then he went on to tell us what hotel they stayed at and everything.  I think it’s weird that I’ll get to see everything I just saw here on TV.  Well everyone is yelling at me to get ready, so I better go!

Later: Today we went to the wax museum at the Venetian hotel.  It has many different celebrities like Michael Jackson who are all made out of wax.  It was really cool because there was so much detail and it really looked like the actual person.  Then my sister and I went to Mandalay Bay to see the Shark Reef.  It had eel, turtles, fish, and lots of different sharks.  Oh, and I also got to pet some stingrays.  We came back around 5:00 and had to go back to Mandalay Bay because we had dinner reservations.  We ate at a restaurant called The Rock Lobster.  As we started to leave, I had major stomach pains.  It was really bad and I didn’t want to use a public bathroom, so I decided to wait until I got back to our hotel.  It was a really long walk in the heat, and I was extremely uncomfortable.  My stomach felt really big and when I looked down at it, I was scared that I was pregnant or something.  I think it was just because I’ve eaten tons of food this past week but haven’t gone to the bathroom at all, if ya know what I mean.  When we got to the Monte Carlo, I let it all out and now I feel much better.  My stomach isn’t huge anymore.  Anywho, it’s our last night here, so I’m going to try and find something to do!

Commentary: Omg, TMI on the stomach pains situation. Why would I even write about that?! I still remember the song that was playing at Pizza Hut – “Adrienne” by The Calling. I also remember that seeing a place I had just been to on TV was such a huge deal for some reason. I love old school seasons of The Real World – it was definitely my favorite show in the 90’s and early 2000’s. Las Vegas turned out to be one of my favorite seasons, and I recently purchased the DVD set and watched all of the episodes again. I really wish more seasons were on DVD! Today’s photo is of myself and Jimi Hendrix at the wax museum.

We Drove to Arizona to See the Grand Canyon — July 5, 2016

We Drove to Arizona to See the Grand Canyon

grand canyon

06/20/02:  Today is my birthday!  Yay, I am 17 years old.  First I’ll tell you about my day yesterday…well actually, two days ago.  My dad and I walked around the city and I took lots of pictures of everything.  Then we went to the M&M store and I bought a little gift for Jordan.  We walked into the basement and there was this huge arcade with pool tables.  It kind of made me feel at home since I tend to hang out at pool halls.  Yesterday we rented a PT Cruiser and drove an hour to see the Hoover Dam and Lake Mead.  Then we drove to Arizona to see the Grand Canyon.  It was a five hour drive one way.  That was probably the day I liked the least because we had to drive around the whole damn day and my brother brought his stupid CDs, so I had to listen to that crap.  Ugh.  When I first saw the Grand Canyon it was awesome, but my mom made us stay for like an hour to see it from 50 different angles.  It’s cool when you first see it, but after five minutes you are used to it and wanna leave.  Plus it was so freakin’ hot.  Well it’s like 9:30 in the morning, so I’ll get ready and then write later about what I do today.

Commentary: Today’s photo of me at the Grand Canyon always makes me laugh because it seems to capture my mood perfectly. I was tired, hot, annoyed, and unimpressed after a few minutes. Why did I decide to wear a shirt with such long sleeves and what the heck is going on with my hair? 

It Was Absolutely Unbearable — July 4, 2016

It Was Absolutely Unbearable

Wet N Wild

06/18/02:  Oh yeah, there was something I forgot to say about the boys who were following me around at the pool yesterday.  They asked for my phone number and even wanted my room number in the hotel.  Ugh, boys are dumb.  Anywho, today we went to the Wet ‘N’ Wild water park.  It was a lot of fun, except for the fact that it was 109 degrees outside and every time I walked around my feet would burn.  You are probably thinking that it couldn’t have been that bad, but damn it, it was!  It was absolutely unbearable.  Every time I put my foot down I wanted to scream out, “F***!”  Ugh, and the lines were sooo long.  A half hour wait most of the time.  We went back to the hotel around 5:00 and I took a shower and relaxed.  Then my dad and brother just had to get in a huge fight.  The people in the room next to us probably heard all the yelling.  Grrr, I knew that would happen.  My brother just walked out and who knows where he went.  Then I decided to call Jordan to check up on my cats since he’s taking care of them.  We talked for about 10 minutes, and I really just wanted to be at home when I heard his voice.  Even though I’m a little homesick, I still enjoy being here.  This trip has made me realize how boring my hometown is.  Well really, the whole state of Illinois.  There is seriously nothing to do there and here I’m never bored.  I can just walk around the streets, which is exciting.  Well my dad and I are going to go walk around in the city for awhile.  Oh wow, I just looked out my window and the MGM screen said that Carrot Top is here.  Ugh, I really don’t think he’s funny at all.  I’ll write tomorrow!

Commentary: I definitely remember it being super hot at that water park. For some reason my sister and I only had one pair of flip-flops between the two of us, so she took one and gave me the other and we hopped around on our one flip-flop all day. There were a few of those things that sprayed water onto the pavement, so the goal was to hop over to one, cool our feet, and then continue hopping until we reached a water slide. We must have looked ridiculous. I also remember my brother walking out of our hotel room after arguing with my dad. We were actually really worried about him because he was gone for hours and didn’t come back until around 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning (no one had a cell phone back then). Apparently he decided to go on a walk around the city with the video camera. I don’t think I had ever seen the footage he captured until recently when I was going through some old home videos. Reading these diary entries really makes me want to take a trip to Vegas because I haven’t been there since! 

I’m On a Plane Flying to Las Vegas — July 3, 2016

I’m On a Plane Flying to Las Vegas

vegas1

06/16/02:  Right at this very second I’m on a plane flying to Las Vegas.  This morning I woke up and finished packing, and then Jordan came over for a few minutes to say goodbye.  Ahh, I really do love him so incredibly much!  I ended up crying because this will be the longest that we have ever been apart, even though it’s only a week.  Also, we have never been so far away from each other.  Anyway, I finished packing and then we got in the van and drove to Midway Airport, which is in Chicago.  We ate lunch there and then waited until we could get on the plane.  We took off and I was pretty freaked out because of what happened last time I flew.  The scary part is when you are on the runway because it feels like you are going sooo fast.  I remembered that happened last time.  Now we are so high up that we can look down and see the clouds.  We have been on the plane for about an hour, so we only have 2 hours and 45 minutes to go.  We got some snacks and a drink just now.  I ate a sausage thing, breadsticks, cheese, an apple-cinnamon fruit and oatmeal bar, and a chocolate mint.  Yum, yum!  I also had a Coke.  Well nothing really exciting is happening, so I’ll write more later!

P.S. – I miss Jordan!

06/17/02:  Last night we took a cab from the airport to our hotel.  It is sooo nice!  It’s the Monte Carlo.  There are a bunch of things to do in the hotel like casinos, shops, etc. and there is a pool, lazy river, and wave pool.  Anyway, last night we went to see the fountains at the Bellagio hotel, and that was pretty cool.  Then we walked about five freaking miles to the Rio hotel.  Oh yeah, and the temperature here is 107 degrees!  Once we got to the Rio, we saw a show called The Masquerade or something like that.  Then we split up, and I headed for the arcade.  After about an hour, we left and took a cab back to the hotel.  It was only eleven o’clock here, but back home it was one in the morning.  I was still in Illinois time, so I was extremely tired.  I was awake most of the night because my legs hurt from walking so far.  This might sound bad, but I really don’t miss Jordan as much as I thought I would.  I still think about him, but I’m sooo far away from home and it feels like a whole different world out here.  The only time I miss him is when I see a couple who is hugging or kissing.  Anyway, this morning my dad got me some pancakes and I ate those for breakfast.  Then I got ready and went down to the pool.  I stayed in the wave pool mostly, and this guy came up to me and was like, “My friend wants to hook up with you,” and I told him no and that I had a boyfriend.  The kid told me that my boyfriend was so far away and he would never know if I cheated on him.  I just laughed and swam away.  Later he came back with his friend and was like, “Oh, actually we both like you, so will you go out with one or both of us?”  I was like, ummm NO!  So they kept following me around, and it was getting annoying.  One of the guys said that his friend Matt liked me a lot, which is dumb because he doesn’t even know me.  Then he said right when Matt first saw me walk in he said, “Check out that hot ass!”  They also told me that I have such beautiful eyes.  They were kinda cute, but not my type and I knew I shouldn’t even try to talk to them because Jordan would be mad.  I didn’t mean to go on for a whole page about those guys.  Right now my brother, sister, mom, and dad all left to go walk around in the city.  I didn’t really feel like going because it’s way too hot, and I just wanna relax.  I think I’ll go back to the pool to try to get a tan.

Commentary: When I mention being scared about flying because of what happened last time, I’m referring to when I flew to Cozumel and the pilot informed us over the loud speaker that we had “lost our hydraulics” meaning steering and brakes.  Luckily there was a back-up system, but it’s definitely scary when you land and a bunch of firetrucks and ambulances surround the plane. This is random, but when I was younger, I always thought heaven was above the clouds and pictured spirits walking around up there. I remember being very confused/disappointed when I flew for the first time above the clouds and didn’t see anything resembling heaven. Today’s blurry photo is from our extremely long walk to the Rio hotel. My legs hurt just thinking about it. 

I’m Really Not a Morning Person — July 2, 2016

I’m Really Not a Morning Person

Oklahoma

06/07/02:  This was my first week of work.  On Tuesday I had a meeting with my boss and supervisor, and they said they don’t need me to come in every day from now on.  So now I only work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  Thank God, because I’m really not a morning person and this week I was already having trouble getting out of bed.  I really like my job, though.  I do something different every day.  Like I could either be picking weeds, answering the phone, gluing things back together, painting, folding surveys, or putting prices on stuff for some garage sale type thing.  I don’t really like answering the phones though, because people always ask questions that I don’t know the answer to.  So today I worked from 9:00 to 12:30 and went to get three inches cut off my hair and layers put in.  It looks kinda different.  Oh by the way, Cara and I hung out on Monday and got in a huge fight, so we pretty much stopped being friends.  Jordan and I are still going out and things are just okay, not great.  Tonight I’m going to see a play called Oklahoma that my sister is in, so I’ll write later!

06/15/02:  Jordan is going to write something in here for me – hopefully something really sweet!

Alana – Hey hun, what’s up?  Did you know that you are the sweetest, most cutest thing in the world?  When you aren’t singing at least.  I love it when you smile.  Your eyes slightly squint and your cheeks rise.  I love it so much.  Every time I see your face, I just want to hold you.  Some of the things you say crack me up.  Anyway, I hope you liked the card I got you.  I felt that it was the best, most complete card there.  I ended up reading nearly all of them.  Let all of this be a reminder to you of how much I love and adore you.  Don’t forget me while you’re having a blast in Vegas.  I love you sooo much babe.  Love, Jordan.

Commentary: Picking weeds and gluing things back together sounds like a great job. The main thing I remember about working there (besides Ben Zobrist) was that anytime we had a meeting there would also be a group prayer, which was interesting and awkward.

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