11/05/01: I haven’t written in a few days, so now it’s time for an update! Alright, so I told Paul about Jordan and he told me about Jena. He also said that when we were going out, he was seeing other girls on the side! I am so pissed off at him for that. He always talks about how he prides himself for being honest – that’s such BS. He lied to me, so I’ve lost respect for him. Now Jena and Paul are actually going out. It’s funny because Paul says the exact same things about Jena that he used to say about me. Like online, he put up an away message saying that he had to go somewhere but would be back to talk to Jena because “she’s so fine!” That’s exactly what he said about me once. It seems like he’s totally fake and is trying to make me jealous. The past few days I have been thinking about Paul a lot. I guess I do miss him a little bit. I keep remembering all these little things he would do for me that no one else really did. Out of all the guys I’ve been friends with or liked, including Jordan, no one really cared that I was in color guard. Paul was the only guy who would actually come to my competitions to watch me perform. That meant a lot to me. There were also numerous times when he came back to town just to see me and took me anywhere I wanted to go. Plus, he was so nice whenever I talked to him online. Even though Paul and I shared many great times, I know that Jordan is the one for me, and I can’t have both! That’s part of the reason I dumped Paul, so I could get back with Jordan. For some reason, I keep thinking about all the good times with Paul even though there were a lot of bad things that happened. It was only good in the beginning, and that’s what I’ve been thinking about these past few days. The middle to end of the relationship sucked, and he turned into a total ass!! I guess I just feel like he was lying when he told me he loved me, because love doesn’t just fade away so quickly. He convinced me that he really did love me, but then all of a sudden starts going out with Jena and totally forgot about me. Even though Jordan and I are back together and I love him to death, I still care about Paul. I thought he felt the same because that’s what he told me, but now he never talks to me…oh well. I’m happier with Jordan anyway. Paul is in college, so I didn’t get to see him much – only on weekends. We dated for about two months, but during that time I still called Jordan almost every night and went over to his house sometimes. Things didn’t really change between Jordan and I, and that’s why we keep counting the months that we’re together. On the 14th of this month, we will have reached nine months!! That’s awesome! Anyway, it’s getting late and I still have to do homework, so goodnight!
Commentary: I know I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I really wish I would have spent more time enjoying my high school years and hanging out with the few female friends I had instead of constantly stressing over boys. Today’s photo is probably from one of the many times my mom insisted on having a little outdoor photo shoot – clearly I’m not having it. I look like I’m straight out of the 70’s with my long hair, huge collared shirt, and jeans that were so wide-leg they were practically bell-bottoms.