My 20-Year Diary

I will be posting 20 years of my diary entries, ages 8-28, from 1993-2014!

Big News!! — March 30, 2016

Big News!!

snoopy

I’m thrilled to announce that I recently signed with Skyhorse Publishing!  Creating this blog along with the support I’ve received from other bloggers has inspired me to write a humorous memoir entitled, Artifacts of a ’90s Kid.  The book will be somewhat similar to my blog since it will contain diary entries and present-day commentary, but there will be a few differences:

*focuses on elementary and middle school only (’90s)

*contains only my best diary entries with extended commentary

*diary entries will be scanned images of the originals (not typed), so you can see my handwriting, spelling mistakes, etc.

*roughly half will be diary-related, the rest will be other fun stuff that I probably can’t say too much about! 🙂

I’m excited to see where this journey takes me and am very grateful to have the opportunity to connect with so many people.  Thanks again for taking the time to read all of my old diary entries, and keep an eye out for the book in Fall of 2017! 🙂

 

 

 

I Actually Shed a Few Tears — March 23, 2016

I Actually Shed a Few Tears

phone

11/15/01:  Yesterday was our nine month anniversary.  On Tuesday I decided to not call Jordan.  I usually call him every night since his stepdad put a block on the phone and he can’t call long distance.  I really was becoming way too dependent on him.  Like when I got home from school, I felt like I just HAD to call him.  I wanted to see if I could handle going one night without calling him, or in other words, going a whole day without talking to him since we go to different schools.  It was a very hard thing to do.  Every minute I kept thinking that there was something I had to do, and I didn’t feel right until I got to talk to him.  Jordan said that he was freaking out since I never called and went running in his neighborhood because he didn’t know what else to do.  He was kind of mad that I never called, but I really don’t want to get too attached to him.  He came over last night, and we curled up together and just chilled for about two hours.  It was great.  I actually shed a few tears, because I started thinking about how much I love him.  Yay!  Tomorrow is Friday.  I have to babysit for some family I have never even met, and they live kind of far away.  Ugh.  Anyway, I need to study for my U.S. history test that I have to take second hour tomorrow, so I’ll talk to ya later.

Commentary:  I didn’t want to get too attached to my boyfriend, but then had him over to cuddle and ended up shedding a few tears because I loved him so much.  Yeah, not attached at all!

I Mean Seriously, That Is Just Not Acceptable — March 20, 2016

I Mean Seriously, That Is Just Not Acceptable

gore

11/12/01: This morning at school we had to do STS testing. All the juniors had to take the science and math portion. It wasn’t too hard. The rest of the day was pretty boring. Anyway, I got home from school and talked to Paul online. I won’t explain the whole deal, but people keep lying about the littlest and stupidest things, and it’s really starting to piss me off. Then Ryan, who goes to the same school Jordan, told me that he saw Jordan put his arm around some girl at school. I was kinda mad, so I asked him about it. He claimed that she was the one who put her arm around him, and I was like “whatever.” Ryan said that every time he sees Jordan, he is with that girl. Jordan even admitted that he’s around her a lot. Apparently every chance he gets, he talks and hangs out with her. It upsets me that people at Jordan’s school think he is going out with her. I’m mad that he would even let another girl put her arms around him. I mean seriously, that is just not acceptable. I can’t do that, so he shouldn’t be able to either. Tomorrow I’m going to tell him that he can have her, and I’m going to stop calling his house. His stepdad put a block on the phone, so now Jordan can’t call me at all since it’s long distance. Basically, we won’t be able to talk unless I call him. On Sunday Jordan is going to play basketball with my dad, and this time I’m not going to go. It’s too bad this Wednesday is our nine month anniversary. It’s weird because one minute I love Jordan more than anything, and then next minute I’m pissed off at him. It really messes with my head, and I seriously don’t know what to do. I wish I could just find someone who I’m always happy with…if that’s even possible. As you already know, music is a huge part of my life and I think it’s a huge plus when a guy likes the same music as I do. That’s one bad thing about Jordan – he doesn’t like any of the same music as me. He says that Incubus sucks, but doesn’t even listen to it and give it a chance. Some of their music means a lot to me and is a big part of who I am. There is a ton of music I want to share with Jordan, but he just won’t let me. One of his favorite bands is Rage Against the Machine. Instead of saying that band sucks, I went out and got the CD. I listened to it, gave it a chance, and ended up liking it. If only he could do the same for me, then I would have so much more respect for him. I guess that’s a big part of the reason why I like Sam. He likes a lot of the same bands that I like, which is odd. He was even the person who introduced me to Deftones and Incubus. He was the one who told me to go out and buy their CDs. I am so grateful for that, because their music has definitely helped me out a lot. It has made stress go away, has given me hope, and has added so much happiness to my life, which I really needed. So yeah, I love Sam! Anywho, I have homework to do now.

Commentary: After all these years I still love Incubus and Deftones, although I’m not a fan of Deftones’ newest album.

I’ll Tell Ya Something Really Weird — March 19, 2016

I’ll Tell Ya Something Really Weird

heart arrow

11/06/01: This morning I woke up with a really bad sore throat, headache, cramps, and a runny nose. I really didn’t feel like going to school, but for some strange reason, I did. I was so relieved when the day was over and I got to go home! I laid down for awhile and then talked to Jordan on the phone. I was reading some diary entries I had written awhile ago, and I was very shocked about some of the stuff I had written. I said that I didn’t think Jordan was the one for me, and I was just wasting my time by going out with him. I never knew my feelings could change so drastically, because I know now that Jordan is the one for me. Yeah, sometimes I get pissed off and disappointed with him, but I still love him to death. He is the only guy that I’ve seriously thought about marrying. You may think that’s dumb to say or whatever, but it’s true. Next Wednesday is our nine month anniversary. I seriously couldn’t be happier. Last night I was thinking…Paul and I only dated for two months and after ending things with him, I was sad and missed a lot about our relationship. When I think about how Jordan and I have been together for nine months, there’s no way I would ever be able to deal with breaking up with him! I love Jordan so much more than any other guy, and we have been together for a really long time. Anyway, you get the point. After school today, I talked with Sam. It’s fun because we play against each other in online pool. I was really beating him tonight! He said he will be coming to the U.S. next year and will try his hardest to pay me a visit. Oh, I really hope he does because that would be the coolest thing ever!!! I’ve been talking to his brother a lot lately, and even he wants to meet me! Hopefully it will work out. Oh, and I’ll tell ya something really weird. Ok, today I have been really sick and when I talked to Sam I asked him what was up. He said, “Not much, I skipped school because I didn’t feel well.” I was like, “No freakin’ way!” Last time I was sick was a few months ago, and Sam had a cold also! I just think it’s so weird that there have been three times where Sam and I have been sick at the exact same time. Anywho…remember Josh from TN? Well he is planning on coming back during Christmas break. I really hope he does, because I seriously miss being around him. He made me extremely happy, somehow. Back to Sam – in my head I keep imagining Sam and I finally meeting. I really wanna know if he’s serious about what he says to me, or if he’s just one of those people who kinda plays along. Today he told me that he hates how we never get to hang out and talk in person. I don’t know if that’s how he really feels. Anyway, I’m gonna go think about some stuff, so I’ll write tomorrow.

Commentary: What is going on here?  Reading this made my head spin.  I begin by talking about how Jordan is the one for me and I can see myself marrying him, and by the end of the entry I’m daydreaming about meeting Sam.  I didn’t see a problem with this?  I really need to stop using the phrase “I love him to death.” 

I Guess I Do Miss Him a Little Bit — March 15, 2016

I Guess I Do Miss Him a Little Bit

Image (214)

11/05/01: I haven’t written in a few days, so now it’s time for an update! Alright, so I told Paul about Jordan and he told me about Jena. He also said that when we were going out, he was seeing other girls on the side! I am so pissed off at him for that. He always talks about how he prides himself for being honest – that’s such BS. He lied to me, so I’ve lost respect for him. Now Jena and Paul are actually going out. It’s funny because Paul says the exact same things about Jena that he used to say about me. Like online, he put up an away message saying that he had to go somewhere but would be back to talk to Jena because “she’s so fine!” That’s exactly what he said about me once. It seems like he’s totally fake and is trying to make me jealous. The past few days I have been thinking about Paul a lot. I guess I do miss him a little bit. I keep remembering all these little things he would do for me that no one else really did. Out of all the guys I’ve been friends with or liked, including Jordan, no one really cared that I was in color guard. Paul was the only guy who would actually come to my competitions to watch me perform. That meant a lot to me. There were also numerous times when he came back to town just to see me and took me anywhere I wanted to go. Plus, he was so nice whenever I talked to him online. Even though Paul and I shared many great times, I know that Jordan is the one for me, and I can’t have both! That’s part of the reason I dumped Paul, so I could get back with Jordan. For some reason, I keep thinking about all the good times with Paul even though there were a lot of bad things that happened. It was only good in the beginning, and that’s what I’ve been thinking about these past few days. The middle to end of the relationship sucked, and he turned into a total ass!! I guess I just feel like he was lying when he told me he loved me, because love doesn’t just fade away so quickly. He convinced me that he really did love me, but then all of a sudden starts going out with Jena and totally forgot about me. Even though Jordan and I are back together and I love him to death, I still care about Paul. I thought he felt the same because that’s what he told me, but now he never talks to me…oh well. I’m happier with Jordan anyway. Paul is in college, so I didn’t get to see him much – only on weekends. We dated for about two months, but during that time I still called Jordan almost every night and went over to his house sometimes. Things didn’t really change between Jordan and I, and that’s why we keep counting the months that we’re together. On the 14th of this month, we will have reached nine months!! That’s awesome! Anyway, it’s getting late and I still have to do homework, so goodnight!

Commentary: I know I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I really wish I would have spent more time enjoying my high school years and hanging out with the few female friends I had instead of constantly stressing over boys.  Today’s photo is probably from one of the many times my mom insisted on having a little outdoor photo shoot – clearly I’m not having it.  I look like I’m straight out of the 70’s with my long hair, huge collared shirt, and jeans that were so wide-leg they were practically bell-bottoms. 

What Makes Him Think He Can Have All the Hot Girls? — March 8, 2016

What Makes Him Think He Can Have All the Hot Girls?

halloween candy

10/31/01: Today is Halloween! This year it sucks because it’s on a Wednesday, so barely any trick-or-treaters came. That’s too bad, because I really went all out decorating last night!!! Grrrrr. I got back from Wisconsin last night in time for Ryan’s party, but of course my parents wouldn’t let me go. Ugh. Jordan’s aunt died, so for the past two days he had been in Detroit. I missed him. Tonight my friends Cody and Ryan came over. It was fun hanging out with them and answering the door to all the little kids. When they left, Jordan came over. It really seemed like I hadn’t seen him in forever, so it was nice to sit and cuddle for about an hour and a half. Last night, Paul and I got in a huge fight online. I told him that I had gotten back with Jordan because I thought he should know or figured he would find out soon enough. So then he tells me he’s dating this girl named Jena. She goes to Notre Dame, is 15 years old, and is a sophomore in high school! Paul is 19 and a freshman in college. That’s just wrong, so I told him he was pathetic since he called me a trick. He told me I’m not the person he thought I was, and I’m just like, “Shut up.” I asked him what he looks for in a girl, and he listed a few things and then said they have to be pretty. That really pisses me off. I mean, I really think he bases everything on looks. It makes me think the only reason he went out with me was because he thought I was hot. Paul isn’t even that great looking! He had glasses and braces back in high school, so what makes him think he can have all the hot girls? Argh, well I’m off to bed! Happy Halloween!

Commentary: So let me get this straight – I had two of my guy friends over to hang out and help me pass out Halloween candy, and then immediately after they left asked my boyfriend to come over?  Did Jordan care or even know that two guys had just been at my house?  At the time it seemed totally normal, but looking back on it now, I don’t know what the heck I was thinking.

A Rush of Memories Came Back — March 4, 2016

A Rush of Memories Came Back

whale

10/27/01: This morning everyone got up and got ready. We ate breakfast at the hotel. I had a bagel with cream cheese, toast, and orange juice. After that, we packed up our stuff and checked out of the hotel. We drove down the road seven miles and arrived at House on the Rock. We spent about two hours looking around at everything. It was really cool. We ate pizza and then left to begin our long drive back to Peoria. We are in Iowa right now. Brrrrr! It’s a lot colder up here, and I didn’t pack the right clothes for this weather! The entire ride here and back I have been freezing. They also have the air conditioning on…grrr. Anyway, House on the Rock was pretty fun. As soon as I walked into this one room with a huge fake whale and octopus in an ocean, a rush of memories came back from when I had been there before. It’s about 4:00 p.m. right now and instead of going straight home, we are going to Roanoke so Samantha’s brother can look at some stupid viper cars. It’s a total waste of time because Roanoke is way out of the way. We have to find a totally different way to come home now. My friends Ryan and Luke wanted me to hang out with them tonight, so hopefully I’ll get back in time to do that. I’m going to go to sleep now, so BYE!

Commentary: So we drove 3.5-4 hours, stayed in a hotel, walked through House on the Rock (which only took 2 hours) and then drove all the way back?  Somehow that doesn’t seem worth it.

We Are Going to House on the Rock — March 3, 2016

We Are Going to House on the Rock

houseontherock

10/26/01: Guess what?! About two hours after my mom got in a car accident, my brother called and hit a deer with the van! I couldn’t believe that two of our cars got messed up on the same day. Anyway, I spent the night at my sister’s apartment. Yesterday morning I went to Bradley with her and then hung out at her boyfriend Dave’s dorm. Later, I met everyone in color guard at Applebee’s for dinner. I got a gift from my Creepy Casper, and guess what she got me? Another diary! That’s perfect because I write a lot and probably will need a new diary soon. After dinner the guard was supposed to go to a haunted house, but no one wanted to go anymore! Grrr. So Samantha came over to my house and we got online. Ryan was on, so I told him to come over even though it was like 9:00 p.m. He came with two people – Cody and Ali. We chilled for about an hour and then they left. I listened to the new Incubus CD I just bought and fell asleep. This morning I woke up and got all packed. Samantha’s dad came to pick me up, and now we are on the way to Wisconsin. I don’t know if I mentioned this, but we are going to House on the Rock. I went there when I was about eight years old, so it should be fun to go back and remember everything. Of course the only two things I brought to do on this six hour trip were my diary and all my music. Going through all the crap I went through this past year and dealing with all these stupid guys has kinda made me forget how much music means to me. So now I’m just remembering all these songs I love and it’s great. I bet I sound stupid, so I’ll shut up now. Argh, I’m getting carsick and it sucks knowing that every minute I’m getting further away from Josh, Jordan, Ryan…everyone I really care about. Awww! I actually miss Paul, too. That’s it, I wanna go home!

Later: About two hours ago, me, Samantha, her brother and dad all went to Don’s family restaurant for breakfast. I had a ham and cheese omelet with toast and orange juice. Yum, yum! As I was sitting there, I kept smelling something that reminded me of Josh! It was quite strange…someone there must have been wearing his cologne. It made me sad though, because I realized how much I miss him. Last night he called and I got to talk to him for a little while. Anyway, we have been driving forever and are finally in Wisconsin. We also went through some of Iowa. I could tell everyone was getting tired because it was really quiet. All of the sudden, Samantha’s dad started to go off the road. I think he was starting to fall asleep and it was also very windy. Now Samantha’s 15 year old brother, Zach, is driving. I feel like listening to music, so I’ll write more later.

Later: Wow, this pen I’m writing with smells like blueberries! Haaaaaa! Anyway, we arrived at the House on the Rock Inn around 3:45 p.m. We checked into the hotel, and it’s so awesome! Samantha and I walked around and took some pictures. My stupid, cheap camera doesn’t have a damn flash, so any pictures I take inside probably won’t turn out well. Grrrr! Then we ordered a movie to watch called Legally Blonde. I have already seen it once before, but I thought it was really funny so I didn’t mind seeing it again. We ate some popcorn and I bought a root beer. It’s about 6:45 right now. We still haven’t eaten dinner, but that’s okay because I’m not hungry at all. Well now Zach is saying that he’s hungry, so we might end up eating out somewhere. I guess I can just get a dessert. I’m probably boring you, so I’ll go finish my book and write later when something exciting happens.

Later: We all watched The Simpsons and went to the bar in this hotel to eat dinner. I had mini corn dogs that were yummy! Afterwards, we got in our bathing suits and went swimming for awhile. I also relaxed in the hot tub. Samantha and I got dressed an hour later and went to the workout room. I’m trying to build up my arm muscles. Then we relaxed in our room and ordered another movie. This one was called The Fast and the Furious. It was pretty much all about racing cars. Now I’m not sure what to do. I know it’s pretty darn late, but I can’t go to sleep because I drank too many sodas. I have to do something to get my mind off of Jordan though, because for some reason he is all I’ve been thinking about this whole time. I’m going to finish my book and then listen to some Incubus, so I’ll write more tomorrow!

Commentary: For a brief period of time, I felt the need to “build up my arm muscles” because several girls had threatened to beat me up for various reasons.  I remember I kept weights in my bedroom and used them every night for awhile, but it wasn’t enough to make any kind of noticeable difference – my arms were still toothpicks.  Thankfully it ended up being all talk and no one ever tried to fight me.  High school girls were mean and I never felt like I could relate to any of them, so that’s why the majority of my friends were guys.  Today’s photo is the only one I have from my trip to House on the Rock where I’m posing very strangely in the women’s bathroom.

At Least I Haven’t Cried Yet — March 2, 2016

At Least I Haven’t Cried Yet

bradleyHall

(Photo from http://www.bradley.edu)

10/24/01: Today was actually a little better. I had three tests and a timed writing in English, but at least I haven’t cried yet. I got a 100% on my Spanish quiz, so hopefully I will get back on track and get better grades. Tomorrow I’m going to Bradley University with my sister, and tonight I will be going over to my sister’s new apartment to spend the night. Anyway, my mom was in a car accident on her way home from work. Some idiot side-swiped the driver’s side of the car. My mom is okay, but the whole side of her car is messed up! Grrr. It’s from the front all the way to the back. Huge black scratches and dents – it’s awful. The good news is that the lady who ran into her has to pay for all the damages. Well I’m gonna get online now and talk to my friend Ryan, so I’ll write more later!

Commentary: Oh no, not my “grrr” phase.

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