Linkin Park

10/23/01: Ahhh, I have the worst headache now because I have been crying for the past three hours. I think I’m seriously depressed or something. Tonight I started crying and felt like I would never stop. Not a good feeling to have. Anyway, Jordan came over tonight and I didn’t treat him very well. I didn’t wanna do that, but lately he has been getting on my nerves. He watched this stupid porn movie and that really made me mad. He also goes to Hooters sometimes. Tonight he came over and got on my computer to talk to all his girlfriends. That is extremely rude. I had Linkin Park wallpaper on my computer since they are one of my favorite bands, and I asked Jordan if he liked it. He said, “Oh, that’s pretty gay,” so I got even more pissed off. On top of that, he talked to Paul online and told him that I talk a lot of shit about him. That made me even more upset! Jordan really made my night a lot worse. I didn’t want Paul to hate me, and now he probably does. Also, report cards come out this week. I am doing the worst I have ever done in school. I never get C’s, and now I have a C in two of my classes! Now I am grounded again! I’m really disappointed because I did my homework in every class and studied for the tests. I even did some extra credit! I really did try my best, but ended up failing. We have a four-day weekend coming up, and I have so much stuff to do each day! I’m going to be sooo busy, and of course my teachers are assigning a bunch of homework. Nothing is going right in my life at the moment. I remember when I was in junior high and also just a child. There was nothing to worry about. I was actually happy then. It seems like ever since I got to high school, got a boyfriend, and starting hanging out with guys is when all the problems started. Each day of my life is worse than the one before. I cry every day and constantly feel like no one understands me. I wish I knew what to do from here, but I seriously have no clue. Cara is all pissed at me for no reason. She had someone cuss me out online and say that I was ugly. The girl online was also telling me that I shouldn’t go anywhere alone and that I should watch my back. Supposedly I am going to get my beaten up. I told Paul about it, and right away he had five girls IM Cara saying they wanna fight her. Hopefully Cara will learn to not mess with me, because so many people have my back on this one since they all hate her. So yes, lots of things have been stressing me out. Today Jordan asked me what would make me happy. I really thought about it and realized that being with Sam would make me the happiest girl alive, but that might not happen. At least not for awhile. So then I tried to remember the last time I was truly happy. Honestly, it was when Josh was here. When I was with him, I forgot about all my problems and just had fun. Since he has been gone in Tennessee, my world has been falling apart. My mom and I have been arguing and she grounds me every week, so I am never allowed to talk to Josh on the phone anymore. Well I’m tired – goodnight!

Commentary: Talk about cringeworthy! I was so dramatic and all over the place. I hadn’t even been talking about Sam recently, and suddenly I decide that being with him would make me the happiest girl alive. I always secretly hoped that my family would take a trip to England so I could somehow try to meet Sam in person, and a couple of my family members are actually going on a trip to London this year! Too bad it’s about 15 years too late…