My 20-Year Diary

I will be posting 20 years of my diary entries, ages 8-28, from 1993-2014!

Now I Am Grounded Again! — February 24, 2016

Now I Am Grounded Again!

Linkin Park

10/23/01: Ahhh, I have the worst headache now because I have been crying for the past three hours. I think I’m seriously depressed or something. Tonight I started crying and felt like I would never stop. Not a good feeling to have. Anyway, Jordan came over tonight and I didn’t treat him very well. I didn’t wanna do that, but lately he has been getting on my nerves. He watched this stupid porn movie and that really made me mad. He also goes to Hooters sometimes. Tonight he came over and got on my computer to talk to all his girlfriends. That is extremely rude. I had Linkin Park wallpaper on my computer since they are one of my favorite bands, and I asked Jordan if he liked it. He said, “Oh, that’s pretty gay,” so I got even more pissed off. On top of that, he talked to Paul online and told him that I talk a lot of shit about him. That made me even more upset! Jordan really made my night a lot worse. I didn’t want Paul to hate me, and now he probably does. Also, report cards come out this week. I am doing the worst I have ever done in school. I never get C’s, and now I have a C in two of my classes! Now I am grounded again! I’m really disappointed because I did my homework in every class and studied for the tests. I even did some extra credit! I really did try my best, but ended up failing. We have a four-day weekend coming up, and I have so much stuff to do each day! I’m going to be sooo busy, and of course my teachers are assigning a bunch of homework. Nothing is going right in my life at the moment. I remember when I was in junior high and also just a child. There was nothing to worry about. I was actually happy then. It seems like ever since I got to high school, got a boyfriend, and starting hanging out with guys is when all the problems started. Each day of my life is worse than the one before. I cry every day and constantly feel like no one understands me. I wish I knew what to do from here, but I seriously have no clue. Cara is all pissed at me for no reason. She had someone cuss me out online and say that I was ugly. The girl online was also telling me that I shouldn’t go anywhere alone and that I should watch my back. Supposedly I am going to get my beaten up. I told Paul about it, and right away he had five girls IM Cara saying they wanna fight her. Hopefully Cara will learn to not mess with me, because so many people have my back on this one since they all hate her. So yes, lots of things have been stressing me out. Today Jordan asked me what would make me happy. I really thought about it and realized that being with Sam would make me the happiest girl alive, but that might not happen. At least not for awhile. So then I tried to remember the last time I was truly happy. Honestly, it was when Josh was here. When I was with him, I forgot about all my problems and just had fun. Since he has been gone in Tennessee, my world has been falling apart. My mom and I have been arguing and she grounds me every week, so I am never allowed to talk to Josh on the phone anymore. Well I’m tired – goodnight!

Commentary: Talk about cringeworthy! I was so dramatic and all over the place. I hadn’t even been talking about Sam recently, and suddenly I decide that being with him would make me the happiest girl alive. I always secretly hoped that my family would take a trip to England so I could somehow try to meet Sam in person, and a couple of my family members are actually going on a trip to London this year! Too bad it’s about 15 years too late…

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You Go Through Hell With These People — February 23, 2016

You Go Through Hell With These People

dad

10/21/01: On Friday, I had my last color guard practice. Each day during fourth hour, I would have to go outside for an hour and a half to practice, but now I just have a study hall, so that’s cool. Anyway, then I got dressed in my uniform for the very last time and performed at the football game during halftime. It was also senior night, and the last time we will ever do our field show. I almost cried because it is very emotional. I mean, you go through hell with these people to get to where you are now, and then suddenly realize how much you are going to miss them when it’s all over. I also wanted to cry because I know this will be my last year of color guard. I won’t be doing it next year because the band instructor is leaving, plus my friends are seniors and will be graduating. It just wouldn’t be the same without them. I’ve had so much fun with Samantha and Shawna. The reason I didn’t cry was because I was proud of what we had accomplished this year and was glad that I survived it all. We were Grand Champions at State once again, and that is so awesome! Anyway, on Saturday Cara and I went to the Chili Boil at my neighbor’s house, and then picked up my friend, Ryan. We drove to Cara’s ex-boyfriend’s house and chilled there for awhile. Then I spent the night at Cara’s house. I ended up staying out until 12:30 a.m. driving around, and we also rented movies. I was kind of scared about getting caught for curfew, but we were fine. Cara and I stayed up the whole night, and I had to leave her house this morning at 9:00. Then Paul and I helped my sister move out of her old apartment and into a different one. Later on, I went to Jordan’s house. Awww, he is such a cutie! Haha. Anyway, I’ve just been talking online for the past three hours. Oh yes, I haven’t said much about Sam lately. A couple days ago when I spoke to him he said, “I thought about you a lot today,” so I thought that was really cool. All my freaking pens keep running out of ink and I bet you can’t even read this, so I’m just gonna go to bed. Goodnight!

Commentary: One of the things I miss most about my childhood/young adult years was that darn Chili Boil.  It was an annual Halloween party that my neighbors hosted in their backyard and involved bringing either a side dish or dessert, hanging out around a bonfire, and eating chili. It’s hard to explain why I loved it so much and looked forward to it every year, but basically, I loved the food, the decorations, and Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. October in Illinois is usually when it starts getting cold, so it was always nice to be able to do one last outdoor activity before winter hit. You’d think I would have pictures from the Chili Boil since I went to it every year for so many years of my life, but all I could find was this pic of my dad dressed up as some sort of monster. He used to get on stilts, hide behind a tall tree, and then step out from behind the tree as trick-or-treaters walked up to our front door. They didn’t even need to ring the doorbell – once my mom heard the screams, that was her cue to get the candy bowl ready. 

Yep, We Must Be Soulmates! — February 21, 2016

Yep, We Must Be Soulmates!

polo shirt

(Photo from http://www.brooksbrothers.com)

10/15/01: Today was a pretty good day at school. I thought I did really badly on this quiz in Algebra, but I ended up getting a B on it, so that’s cool. When I got home, my friend Ryan called, and then I watched some TV. Later, my mom and I went to CVS and I bought a card for Jordan. I don’t know why, but I just felt the need to tell him once again how much I love him. It was weird though, because when he came over I noticed that we were wearing almost the exact same shirt! It was a striped shirt with dark and light blue stripes, and a white button-up collar. It was such a coincidence because we didn’t plan it or anything. Yep, we must be soulmates! Now I am finishing up some homework, and then I’ll clean my room. I’m really tired, so I’m gonna go get this done so I can get to bed!

Commentary: I’m not sure what’s more concerning – the fact that I dressed like a boy or how I thought similar shirts + worn on same day = soulmates.

Newton Beat Us by 3/10 of a Point! — February 16, 2016

Newton Beat Us by 3/10 of a Point!

color guard

(Photo from http://www.buckhornband.com)

10/14/01: Today is my eight month anniversary with Jordan! Even though we didn’t exactly go out the entire time, I still consider it our anniversary. Yesterday was State at ISU for color guard. I had to wake up at 4:15 in the morning and be at school by 5:30. I was sooo tired! Anyway, we performed in the State parade and got first place! That was so awesome. Then we performed our field show and tied with Newton for first place. They determined the tie-breaker by whichever band got a higher score for music, and Newton beat us by 3/10 of a point! Argh, but somehow Dunlap ended up getting overall Grand Champions, so we got to keep the Governor’s trophy that we received last year. Our drum line, percussion, and drum majors all got first place. Of course color guard got first place, like we’ve done at pretty much every competition. We even beat IVC’s color guard. Anyway, I didn’t get home until midnight, and it poured down rain the whole day. We even had to perform the field show in the rain, so that sucked. Today I woke up around 12:30 and my mom, sister, and I went shopping. It was fun, and then Jordan came over and we just chilled out. I really do love the kid a lot. After he went home, I got online and then did homework. I’m really tired and have to clean my room still, so I’ll write more later!

Commentary: I have fond memories of being in color guard until I read things like this in my diary.  I forgot how long some of those days were when we had to travel to competitions.  I’m not sure how I survived 5:30am – midnight in the pouring rain. 

This Whole Thing Just Doesn’t Add Up — February 14, 2016

This Whole Thing Just Doesn’t Add Up

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

10/11/01: Hello. Alright, today I found out some news about where James was last night. Apparently he went to Chillicothe somehow and then stayed in some girl’s van the rest of the night. He had 48 hours to go back home, but its been longer than that, so now he’s considered “missing.” Cara is friends with the girl that James stayed with last night. She said that James hid out in the girl’s van the whole morning in the Dunlap High School’s parking lot! I have no idea where he is now, but the cops are definitely after him. I’m scared because maybe he really did steal a car. I mean, why else would he be hiding? This whole thing just doesn’t add up. Why the hell would he steal a car and then just leave it somewhere and not drive it or anything? What was the point of stealing the car then? I don’t know what to think, but everything happens for a reason, right? I guess I’m supposed to learn a lesson from all this – never trust people! Haha, wow! That’s the first time I’ve laughed in a long time. You know what I’m really pissed about? On my way to Hardee’s to meet James, I seriously almost turned around like five times. This whole situation could have been avoided if I just turned around like I wanted to. It ended up taking me 20 minutes to get there, and I didn’t know it was that far away. I saw Hardee’s right when I was ready to turn around, so I figured I would just see him real quick since I was already there. People are saying it’s my fault because I hang out with trashy people. Well, everyone can kiss my ass because this was not my fault. When I went to meet him, I wasn’t planning on picking him up and taking him anywhere, I was just trying to be there for him since he was upset. I don’t want to date him, but he’s cool to be around. I think Paul is gonna come over though, so that will be nice. I gotta run.
Later: I have been bawling my eyes out for the past half hour. My mom came home and I told her what I found out about James. Now I’m in deep shit just because I tried to help a friend out, and my mom is making everything ten times worse. She doesn’t understand anything, and that’s what is so frustrating. Damn, I could have just kept my mouth shut this whole time and said I knew nothing about it, and then none of this would have happened. Once I found out how concerned James’ dad was, I knew the right thing to do was tell him the whole story, even if it meant that I get grounded for two months. I did this all for James’ sake, and it has totally screwed up my life. Anyways, today my dad mowed the lawn, and behind the pool he found a bunch of cushions and some socks. He realized that must have been where James slept the night I dropped him off at his friend’s house. His friend must have not been home or something, so then he decided to stay in my backyard. Of course my dad thinks this is my fault. He said if the police had found James sleeping back there, they would have thought I was the one who hid him. I had no idea he was even back there! So my dad and I got in the biggest fight because he thought (or assumed) I told James that he could stay back there. Ugghhh. I can’t stand my parents, seriously. I’m already under so much stress with color guard because State is the day after tomorrow. I really need someone to confide in, because I can’t take this anymore. I also got yelled at by my mom because I wasn’t supposed to tell Cara what happened, but I did. It actually turned out to be a good thing, because if I hadn’t, then I wouldn’t have known where James was last night and that he slept in that girl’s van. I’m so depressed and feel like I would be better off dead. I mean, no one loves me except Jordan. Other than that, everyone hates me right now. Well I gotta go since Paul is coming over.

Commentary: If Jordan was the only person who loved me, then why didn’t I hang out with him instead of other guys all the time? It’s so crazy that while I was at school wondering where James was, he was several feet away in the parking lot, hiding in someone’s van! I’ll never forget the day my dad found those socks behind the pool. I don’t think I was ever able to convince him that I had no idea James had slept back there. I’m still not sure what exactly happened or why he was hiding out.  Today’s photo is of the actual Hardee’s that I picked James up at.

The Cops Thought I Helped in a Car Theft — February 12, 2016

The Cops Thought I Helped in a Car Theft

kenzie

10/10/01: Sometimes I really feel like I don’t want to live anymore. Every day is worse than the one before. Like tonight for example – ok, here’s the whole damn story. James has been a friend of mine for the past year and a half. He’s a good kid, but has made some mistakes in the past. Like a year ago when he took his dad’s car without asking and got in a wreck. He was on probation for that. When I look at him, I see a really sweet guy who has been nothing but nice to me since the day I met him. Everyone else looks at him as such a bad kid and a really bad influence. Anyway, last night he got into a huge argument with his dad. He was very upset when he called me, and asked me to meet him at Hardee’s. I did what a friend would do, and met him there. It turns out, he had a bag packed and wanted me to take him to Dunlap. He didn’t want to stay the night with his dad since they were fighting. I took him to his friend’s house, dropped him off, and then went home and went to bed. The next day, I got home from school and James walked over to my house. He skipped school for the day and said that his friend wasn’t home, so he had to sleep outside on a bench. Anyway, we talked and then he left. I wanted to get him out of my house before my dad got home because I’m not supposed to have guys over when my parents aren’t around. Then he walked off and didn’t say where he was going. Later, James’ dad called my house because he couldn’t find James. He said that people think I’m James’ girlfriend, so I might have some information about where he’s at. I told him the whole story and also told my parents. Well, it just so happens that a car was stolen last night in Chillicothe, which is where James lives. Since he was missing, the cops thought James was the one who stole it. Apparently he is still on probation, which I did not know about. Basically, the cops thought I helped in a car theft. That’s why I’m in so much trouble. Also, I didn’t tell my parents that I was going to Hardee’s because I didn’t think it was a big deal. My mom went and told my grandma everything and she totally hates me now. At least that’s what my mom said. I feel like my parents are the reason why I act the way I do. I don’t get to use the computer like EVER again because they think I’ll talk to James or something. Josh just called, and my mom told him to not call back for about two weeks. So yeah, I can’t talk on the phone, go anywhere, or have anyone come over. All I was doing was a nice thing for my friend and I end up getting busted for it. James’ dad even came over to our house to talk with us. I got really upset because my parents were being so rude and telling James’ dad how bad of a kid James is, and I could tell his dad was getting angry. I know James better than my parents, who have never even met him! The other bad thing is that report cards come out next week and I’m doing horrible in just about all my classes. I have B’s and C’s. I really don’t have a chance at getting into a decent college now. Anyway, I’m really upset that I won’t get to see or talk to Jordan for two months. This Sunday is our eight month anniversary, and now we won’t even be able to see or talk to each other. Well I’m gonna go now because I have crap to deal with. I don’t think I can take this anymore…

Commentary: Someone who takes their dad’s car without permission and wrecks it, is on probation, skips school, and possibly stole a car definitely sounds like a really sweet guy to me.  Today’s photo is a random pic of my childhood cat 🙂

Trust Me, It Ain’t Easy! — February 8, 2016

Trust Me, It Ain’t Easy!

car

10/08/01: Damn, this weekend has really sucked! I’m not going to get into too much detail, but I just talked to Paul online and he said that he seriously loves me, even though I dumped him. He told me that girls he has liked are now asking him out, but he turns them down because he loves me. I just don’t know what to do! Of course I love Jordan more than anyone, but I feel bad about this whole thing with Paul. I used to really like Josh, but he went back to Tennessee. I haven’t seen him in three months, so I’ve kind of forgotten about him. I still talk to him online, but I don’t like him as much as I used to. I remember during the summer I was so excited to go see him. That was seriously all I wanted to do. He meant a lot to me, but now I have moved on. Josh says he still loves me a lot, more than any other girl. That could be bad because I know how Josh is – he tried to kill himself over a girl once. Now I’m afraid he will do the same thing over me. If I really think about it, I can remember how good it felt to be around him. When I was with him, I didn’t think about any of my problems – we just had fun. We had a great friendship, and I kind of want it to stay like that. If we started dating, we would most likely break up and he wouldn’t talk to me again. I don’t want it to be like that, so I’ve decided that it’s best that we don’t start a relationship. I have to tell him how I feel, even though it’s going to be very hard. It is now midnight and I have school tomorrow…GREAT! Ugh, how can my life suck so much? The worst part is that four guys – Jordan, Paul, Josh, and James – all say they are in love with me. I care about each one of them, but I have to pick. Trust me, it ain’t easy! I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I don’t want them to hate me. Anyway, I still have homework to do, so I really gotta go!

Commentary: So the reason for my life sucking was because four guys were in love with me and I had to choose one?  Man, I wish I had those kinds of problems these days.  Instead, I have to deal with real life problems like all the health issues I’ve been experiencing over the last month and a half, which is why I haven’t been blogging as often.  Nothing life-threatening, but still very frustrating, painful, and inconvenient.  Anyway, today’s photo is of me sitting in my friend’s car back in 2001.  I tried to use a filter to make myself appear less creepy, but I don’t think I was successful.  Josh was actually the one who took this photo during one of many joy rides where we’d blast Nelly’s “Country Grammar” album.

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