My 20-Year Diary

I will be posting 20 years of my diary entries, ages 8-28, from 1993-2014!

I’m Basically Going Out with Two Guys Right Now — December 31, 2015

I’m Basically Going Out with Two Guys Right Now

back to school. color pencils
(Photo from

08/22/01: Today was the first day of school. Cara and I are getting along better, and we actually don’t have a class together like we thought, so that really sucks. Anyway, Paul asked me out a few days ago, and I didn’t know what to say, so I just said “yes” even though I’m still going out with Jordan! Now I’m in deep shit! I’m basically going out with two guys right now. I need to pick one, but that will be very difficult. I love Jordan a lot, but Paul seems like the perfect guy and he’s in college! I don’t know what to do. I guess when Jordan comes over tonight I’ll break the news to him then. Paul has come back from ISU the past four days in a row just to see me. I really appreciate that. Oh, and I don’t know if I’ve told you this before because it’s something I don’t want many people to know, but I smoke! Over the summer I seriously was addicted and smoked like three or more a day! It was really getting bad, but now that school is starting and I’m broke, I’ve decided to quit for good. The only bad thing is that Paul smokes, so now I’ll have to be around it all the time. Josh sent me an email today that said he loves me and hopes everything is alright. Out of every guy I’ve met, he is my favorite. Too bad he lives so far away. I care about Jordan more than I care about Paul, but I think Paul and I might have more in common. Jordan talks about football all the damn time and it’s honestly getting on my nerves! I’m gonna go clean my room now, so I’ll write more when something exciting happens!

Commentary: I highly regret my decision to start smoking, but at least it was a very short-lived habit.  Apparently it never occurred to me to tell Paul that I needed time to figure things out or that I already had a boyfriend. When in doubt, just say “yes” and deal with the consequences later. 

Ahhh, This is Getting so Frustrating! — December 30, 2015

Ahhh, This is Getting so Frustrating!


(Photo from

08/16/01: Yesterday I had to go to registration for school. I also got my picture taken for the yearbook. After that, Cara came to pick me up and we ate lunch at the Hometown Buffet. It was yummy. Then she came over for awhile, and we just hung out and talked about school and stuff. We actually have a class together!! Then Cara went home and I just sat around the whole night since I’m grounded. Uggghhh. I didn’t even do anything wrong. I cleaned my room really well to try and get out of it, but that didn’t work. Samantha came over and spent the night, but ended up falling asleep at 11:00 p.m. I was wide awake, so I went downstairs and got online. I was hoping Paul would be on because he said he would be, but he wasn’t. His good friend Ashley was on though, and told me she just talked to Paul on the phone and his internet won’t be hooked up for a couple of days. Then she said he told her to tell me “hi” for him, and gave me his number at school. I went to bed, but I really wanted to talk to him about how college is going since yesterday was his first day. This morning Samantha and I woke up to the phone ringing off the hook, and of course it was Cara. She got sooo pissed off at me just because I couldn’t go out today since I’m grounded. Ahhh, this is getting so frustrating! We seriously get in a fight every day, and I just don’t think I can handle it anymore! Anywho, that’s all I have to say!

Commentary:  Somehow I doubt I did nothing wrong to get myself grounded.  I apologize for being MIA lately!  December is always a really hectic month and I was out of town for Christmas, but I’ll try to get back to posting daily! 🙂

Now There is a Huge Problem — December 17, 2015

Now There is a Huge Problem


08/14/01: Today was Paul’s last day here, because he leaves for college tomorrow morning. He came to pick me up around 1:30, and we went to his house in Washington to watch movies. I really do like him a lot, but he seems way too good for me. Seriously, he has absolutely no flaws. When he dropped me off he said something about how he wouldn’t be seeing me for awhile, and that’s when he leaned in for a kiss. I didn’t know what to do, but ughhh, I just kissed him. He opened his mouth like he wanted some tongue action, but that’s where I made it stop and just gave him a hug instead. I’m starting to realize how much I miss him, and he isn’t even at college yet. Now there is a huge problem. Ok, you know that I’m still going out with Jordan, right? Well now Paul wants to go out with me and I would actually love to date him, but what the hell am I supposed to do about Jordan? I still really care about him a lot and wouldn’t want to hurt him, but Paul is funny, and I like it when guys make me laugh. Jordan never really makes me laugh because he’s way too damn serious. Also, Jordan loves me sooo much and always says he doesn’t know what he would do without me, so I’m kinda concerned that he will kill himself or something if he gets dumped. That’s just how he is. I have a feeling that if I go out with Paul it will end up being a really short-term relationship because he’ll be away at college, and if I stay with Jordan it would end up being long-term. Today is our six month anniversary, by the way. I really don’t know what to do! This is the hardest decision I’ll ever have to make. Hmmmm. Anyway, tonight from 6:00-9:15, I went to color guard practice. It was cold outside, and now it gets dark a lot sooner. Ahh! I don’t want winter to come! Summer was waaay too short. Then Jordan stopped by my house around 10:00 p.m. I was trying to decide if I should dump him or not, but I really don’t know. Oh well, I’ll figure it out someday. I’m going to go to bed now because I have to wake up early for school registration. I’ll write more later!!

Commentary: Hardest decision I’ll ever have to make? Ha! Not by a long shot. I was such a horrible girlfriend – eventually the bad karma I created catches up with me. 

1,000 Likes! :) — December 13, 2015
He Had a Card for Me —

He Had a Card for Me


08/13/01: Ahhh! A lot of stuff has happened since the last time I wrote. I don’t even know where to start…Josh left for Tennessee on Saturday. On Friday, I spent just about the whole day with him. I went over there at noon and didn’t come back home until midnight. It was really cool because usually Josh and I never get any time alone because Samantha and Chris are always around, but today they had to go somewhere, so Josh and I just watched TV by ourselves. I realized that I really do care about him. I love him to death!! I was getting ready to leave to go back home and really didn’t wanna have to say bye. So we both just kinda said, “See ya later,” like we always do and didn’t act like he was really leaving for a year. He had a card for me and told me to read it when I got home. So I did, and cried because it was the sweetest thing ever! It was really sad that I had to find out how he felt about me on the last day he was here. Oh well. Then on Sunday I had to perform at the State Fair in Springfield with the color guard and band. It was fun, but really freakin’ hot!! Then on Sunday night I hung out at Pizza Works. There is a guy named Paul that I like who always goes there. Oh, and on Saturday night he drove all the way from Washington (where he lives) to Dunlap which is like a 40 minute drive! He did that just to pick me up. We went to Pizza Works and played pool, so it was kind of like a date. My mom and sister met him and think he is awesome. They really think highly of him. He is 18 and is going to go to ISU. He is really smart, too. Anyway, last night I was talking to this girl who is a really good friend of Paul’s, and she said that he always talks about me and says I’m the kind of girl he wants to date. I couldn’t believe that. When he walked me out to Samantha’s car, he gave me a kiss and hug and said he would call me tomorrow. I was like, shoot, what if Jordan found out that another guy has kissed me? I mean, four different guys have kissed me while I’ve been going out with Jordan. I don’t know what I’m gonna do at this point in time. I guess we’ll just see what happens.
P.S. – On Sunday Josh called twice long distance from Tennessee, but both times I wasn’t home!! I really wanted to talk to him damn it!

Commentary: Poor Jordan. He was such an amazing boyfriend, but I definitely didn’t treat him very well. When he first asked me out, he was literally the only guy who had ever shown interest in me. Over the course of our relationship, several other guys started showing interest as well, so that’s when things got complicated. Now there’s another guy added to the mix – Paul! You’ll hear about him quite a bit. Today’s photo is from the card that I received from Josh. I almost didn’t post it because I thought it might be too personal, but I figured it would be interesting for you guys to see things from another person’s perspective. I changed his name for privacy reasons, so that’s why it’s not shown on the card. I remember being totally shocked when I first read it because I had no idea he felt that way. His handwriting always confused me – it would start out big and looked like a girl had written it, and then it would totally change into small, guy-ish handwriting. Judging by my “Oh well” comment and the fact that I immediately started talking about a different guy, I didn’t seem to be too crushed about Josh leaving.

Uuuggghhh —



08/04/01: Today was pretty much a day to relax for me. I’m dead tired from band camp. Last night, Samantha and I played Truth or Dare and fell asleep kind of early. This morning we woke up, watched TV, and then she went home. My bedroom and bathroom have been such a mess for the past few weeks, so today I did a lot of cleaning. It took almost the whole day to get my room clean – that was how bad it was. Tonight I wanted to go to Pizza Works, but now Jordan wants to go to a movie. Ahh! Even though things have been pretty screwed up between us, I think I will actually just let him come over. I mean, I’m not doing anything anyway. I’m going to call my friend, Matt, and then Jordan will be here any second, so I gotta go!
08/05/01: Cara spent the night tonight. It was pretty fun. We woke up kind of early to go eat breakfast. Then we stopped by Adam’s house, this guy that Cara likes. Tonight we went to Pizza Works for a really short time, and then drove to this park and smoked weed. Everyone did it but me. I’m proud of myself for not trying it. Instead, I babysat Cara. So yeah, that’s basically what I did today. Jordan and I have been fighting lately. It all started when some girls at Pizza Works told Jordan that some guy was all over me. Ok, that wasn’t true AT ALL! Then Jordan got pissed at me and uuuggghhh. The thing that really pisses me off about Jordan is that every time we have a problem in our relationship, he has to go off and tell a bunch of people even though it’s none of their damn business. He’ll tell them in a way that sounds like it’s all my fault, and then they come yell at me about it. It really annoys me. I mean, I never tell any of my friends what happens between us. It’s to the point where every time I get online, someone has to yell at me and say that Jordan deserves a lot better. Blah. Moving on to something else – Josh and Chris come back from Colorado on Friday. I can’t wait to see Josh. I’m going to try and spend the whole day with him on the 10th. He leaves for Tennessee on the 11th. I’ve started to realize how much I really do like him. I can’t believe I’ll have to go a year without seeing him. Today I got to talk to Sam for a little while. He said he doesn’t know what he would do without me because I’m always there to cheer him up. I thought that was really sweet. He also said, “I love you.” Yay!

Commentary: I’m still proud of myself for not smoking weed when everyone else was doing it. I wasn’t one to try and fit in or do what was considered “cool.” I already didn’t fit in at my high school, so I didn’t really care what people thought of me. Most of my friends, along with my boyfriend, attended a different high school. Today’s photo is of myself and Josh – judging by what he’s wearing, I’m surprised my parents let him into our house. 



I Don’t Want to Talk About This Anymore — December 10, 2015

I Don’t Want to Talk About This Anymore


(Photo from

08/03/01: This week I went to band camp. It sucked sooo much. It was from 7:45 a.m. – 5:00 p.m., and Kaiser said this was the worst weather he has seen for the past 18 years that he has directed the band. It was just so freakin’ hot. I’m talkin’ like 98 degrees and NO breeze at all. It was miserable, but oh well, I survived it. So today at 3:00 we performed for the parents. My friends Matt and Eric came to see me, so that was cool. We did pretty good, and only performed the first two songs since we haven’t learned the third one yet. Then there was a pool/pizza party. Samantha, Shawna, and I didn’t want to go, though, because we already had pizza for lunch. Melissa’s mom brought it for us. It was yummy. Anywho, enough about band camp. Around 4:30, we left to go swimming at the pool at Samantha’s apartment. We hung out and ate chips, and then Samantha came over to my house and is going to spend the night. HAHA!! We are both writing in our journals right now. I forgot to tell you that Mark, my mom’s best friend’s son, died of cancer last Wednesday. It was incredibly sad because he was only 23 years old, and I had pretty much known him my entire life. When I was little, my brother, sister, and I would go over and play with Mark and his sister, Jamie. That’s who we went to see when we went to Minneapolis – he was getting treatment at a hospital there. On Saturday I went to his funeral and cried. I don’t want to talk about this anymore, so I’ll write about something else now. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this yet, but I’ve gone to talk with a psychologist three times. My mom made me go, but it didn’t help at all – just a waste of money. The relationship between my parents and I is going down the tubes. I’m serious, we don’t get along AT ALL!! Almost every night I go out to Pizza Works to play pool because I really can’t stand being around my parents for too long. On to a different subject, Josh is leaving!!! Right now he is with Chris (Samantha’s boyfriend) in Colorado (where they used to live) for a vacation. Over this past month, I’ve been hanging out with Josh more and realizing how much I really do like him. It’s sad to think about. Right when I get close to someone, they have to move away. It just totally sucks. The good news is that Josh said he will write to me and call during the year he is gone. He better be coming back, though! I’m afraid something will happen, like he will meet some really cool girl in Tennessee and decide to stay there. Ahh! Anyway, he comes back from Colorado on the 10th of August, so I’m going to try and see him that day, because on the 11th he will be leaving for Tennessee. Why can’t he stay longer, darn it! Oh, we went to the Heart of Illinois Fair, and it was cool riding on rides with him and stuff. Let’s talk about Jordan…it has almost been six months now, and we haven’t exactly broken up yet, even though I’ve kinda wanted to. He hasn’t really done anything wrong, but to tell ya the truth, I’m just sick of him! I need a change. I should be single for awhile, that would be nice. Well I think Samantha and I are going to watch a movie now, so I’ll write more L8R.

P.S. – I don’t wanna go back to school!!!

Commentary: Wow, I was all over the place when I wrote this entry! I just kept switching randomly from one topic to another. The real reason my parents and I had gone to Minneapolis was to visit our family friends whose son was receiving treatment for cancer. This was not mentioned at all in my diary entries I wrote during the trip. Instead, I selfishly spent my time thinking about boys and my extremely minor life problems. If I could go back in time and re-do certain parts of my life, that trip would definitely be on the list. I wish I could have been there more for our family friends who were going through such an incredibly difficult time. Instead of going over to their apartment with my parents to offer support, I decided that I didn’t feel like going and stayed back in the hotel room. I also wish I would have spent more time with Jamie – I can’t even begin to imagine what she went through. I don’t want to give too many details, but basically Mark had been completely healthy up until he was about 21 years old, and then he was diagnosed with leukemia. I didn’t know much about cancer at the time, so part of the reason I didn’t seem too concerned during our trip to Minnesota was because I didn’t understand the severity of the situation. I thought he would be in the hospital for awhile, receive treatment, and then eventually he’d get better, but unfortunately that didn’t happen. While we were visiting Mark, his family played a recording of him singing the song “More Than Words” by Extreme, and to this day I still tear up when I hear it.


I Haven’t Missed Him at All! — December 9, 2015

I Haven’t Missed Him at All!


07/07/01: Sorry it’s been so long since the last time I wrote, but a lot has happened lately in my life. Alright, first of all I guess I will talk about Jordan. Things are just really screwed up right now! Last week was terrible because I was trying to avoid him which just made things worse, and he said he felt like each day we were growing more and more apart. I just got really stressed out and confused because there were a lot of people telling me to dump him, and other people were saying that he’s the best thing that ever happened to me and I should stay with him. Most people really don’t understand. The people who are saying I should stay with him are the people who talk to him and know how much he loves me. They think I’m so lucky to have someone who cares about me so much, and can’t understand why I would want to give that up. The truth is, I’m not sure if I feel the same about him. I do love him and always will, but I don’t think he’s “the one,” so I’m probably just wasting my time by staying with him. It might be time to move on. Recently I met this guy named Josh. He is Samantha’s boyfriend’s friend who lives in Tennessee and is just here to visit. I have been hanging out with him and am really starting to like him. He likes me a lot, too. He came over tonight and wrote “I ❤ U” on my hand. Awww! How sweet. The thing is, he wants to go out with me, but I don’t want to get too attached because he is just going to have to go back to Tennessee soon. I think I’m going to really miss him, though. He makes me happy, and I forget about all my problems when I’m with him. He is such a nice guy that has had a really tough life. Oh and by the way, Jordan went on vacation for four days and is supposed to get back tomorrow. The truth is, I haven’t missed him at all! I’ve been having a really good time while he’s been away because I don’t have to worry about anything. That will all change tomorrow when he comes back, and then we will have all these problems again. He told me things were going to get a lot better between us, but I just don’t think that will happen. I used to think it would be really hard to break up because I’d regret it or miss him terribly, but now I think I’m ready to do it and move on. I mean, I love him and everything, but we have been going out for almost five months and I’m kind of ready for a change. Josh is supposed to move to Illinois next year, so yay! Hopefully things can work out between us, but I don’t know! People can change over a year. I guess we will just have to wait and see. I’m tired of writing and it’s 1:00 in the morning, so I’m gonna go to bed!

P.S. – Sam is still my true love.

Commentary: This entry sounds so bad – my boyfriend goes on vacation and not only do I admit to not missing him, but I hang out with another guy while he’s gone! Argh, why wasn’t one guy enough?

It’s My 16th Birthday! — December 8, 2015

It’s My 16th Birthday!

bday cake

(Photo from

06/20/01: It’s my 16th birthday! Yay! My friends took me to a movie yesterday, so that was fun. I also had my first color guard practice of the year. I can’t believe I’m going to be a junior! Anyway, today I got to talk to Sam for about an hour and a half. That’s cool, because that’s what I did last year on my b-day. Sam basically made this birthday the best one yet because he said, “love ya.” You have no idea how happy I was, considering I thought I totally lost him. To explain, a year ago when I first started talking to him, everything was cool and we were pretty good friends. Then we went for a long time without talking, and things kinda got all screwed up. Then we started talking again, but things just weren’t the same. Now things are pretty close to being back to normal. But you don’t understand! Sam NEVER says “love ya.” I always say it to him and usually he just responds with, “yeah, you too.” He never says those special words, but today he actually did. He said a lot of stuff that was so awesome I just had to print our whole convo out, hehe. Gosh! I even cried because what he said just made me so happy. Oh, and he also wrote a kick ass love song. He thinks it totally sucks, but I read it since he sent it to me, and it’s cool. I really never expected him to write a song like that because it was pretty serious. Most of his other songs are silly. Jordan just came over, so I’m gonna have to go!

Commentary: So I’m going on and on about Sam and how much I love him, and then at the end of the entry, I say that I have to go because my boyfriend just came over. Wow. Over time I develop stronger feelings for my boyfriend and don’t talk to Sam as much, but things at this stage were very confusing because I was sort of in love with both of them at the same time!

It’s Truly a Beautiful Song — December 7, 2015

It’s Truly a Beautiful Song


(Photo from

06/15/01: Hello! I got back from my trip a few days ago. I guess I was just freakin’ out about nothing, because Jordan definitely wasn’t cheating on me. Yesterday was our four month anniversary. This is the first month he hasn’t gotten me any present. I mean, I even got him something! My birthday is in five days, so maybe he has something good planned for me. Today is June 15th…a very special day indeed! Exactly one year ago today was the very first day I talked to Sam! Yay! So today I really wanted to talk to him. It’s a Friday night so I figured he would be out and not online, but luckily he got on after I talked to his brother for awhile. What Sam said made me tear up. Ahhh! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but ever since I first started talking to him, I’ve had this funny feeling – like he’s my soulmate or something. No, don’t laugh! I know it sounds crazy, but it’s really true. I mean, I love Jordan a lot and all, but when he says all these wonderful things about me, it’s like I don’t care as much. If Sam says anything like that, I start crying. I guess he means a lot to me. Well, I know he does. Anyway, I guess you are wondering what he said! Well don’t get too excited because it’s nothing big. He just said that it’s been great knowing me, the time has flown by, and he is sure he won’t forget me. Oh yes, he also mentioned that he will never forget last summer and how we used to talk to each other for hours every day, and I was like, “Yeah, that was great.” I downloaded this song called More Than Words by Extreme and listened to it while thinking about Sam. It really made me cry. It’s truly a beautiful song. Anyway, guess what?! Jordan got ahold of Sam’s screen name and talked to him! They actually have a lot in common, which really surprised me because I thought they were like total opposites. They have the same favorite song by Weezer and like a lot of the same bands. Jordan told Sam that I was hot, he was lucky to have me, and about how much he loves me. I was thinking, “Oh great,” but Sam thinks that’s cool and he said to keep this one because he’s good. Oh my gosh! I can’t explain to you what Sam means to me. I don’t know why, actually I have no idea why I like him so much or why he means so much to me, but it’s just a feeling I have about him. If I don’t meet him in person someday, that will be the one thing I will regret in my life. I just hope when I meet him, he is exactly how I pictured and thought he would be, and even better. I think I like everything about him pretty much! His whole personality is like no other. Well I don’t want to keep thinkin’ about him because I’ll go positively mad! So I’m off to bed, goodnight!

Commentary: “More Than Words” still makes me cry, but for a different reason, which you’ll learn more about later. I expected Jordan to get me a present every single month? Goodness. I wanted to meet Sam in person, but unfortunately that never happened. It’s pretty difficult at that age to meet someone who lives 4,000 miles away.

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