07/08/00: Today is Amber’s birthday. She would have been 9 years old if she didn’t die. Anyway, I actually have been talking to Sam a lot lately. Today I spoke to him and we had our first little “fight”. I was pretty upset, so I went swimming and tried to not think about it. When I got inside, I checked my email. I REALLY didn’t expect anything (especially from him), but he did send me a little message apologizing for everything. I felt sooo much better. I really thought I might never talk to him again. To tell you the truth, Sam is this punk kid who skateboards and goes to band “practise” every day, but he really opens up to me sometimes, and that’s what attracts me to him the most. He said he feels like no one cares about him. He told me he drinks sometimes when he goes to parties and that it eases the pain of life for a little while. I told him not to do that, because then I would have to worry about him. He said I shouldn’t worry because no one else gives a rat’s ass about him. He said one time he got drunk and had to go to the hospital. His parents never even called to see if he was okay. They were just worried about keeping their reputation intact. After he said that, I was speechless. I had no clue what to do or say next. He said the reason he does stupid stuff (like the time he jumped off a two-story building and broke his wrist) is because he thinks no one cares about him, so he has nothing to lose. Well I really care about him, so hopefully he’ll realize that and shape up. It seems like he really needs a person like me in his life who truly does care about him. He said it’s like a miracle that I like him because in his life he never has such good luck, so he always thinks something is up and I’m lying when I say I like him. Well, enough talk about him! I’ll go on forever if I don’t stop myself. My sister, mom, and I went to VOP’s (a really nice restaurant) for dinner, and then we went to a park to take pictures. A radio in the distance was playing Scar Tissue by RHCP. For some reason, it was just a really nice and memorable evening. Sometimes when I’m out in public I secretly hope that I’ll magically run into Sam somehow, even though I know that’s not possible since he lives in the UK. I better go to bed now…gosh, I really am head over heels for Sam! This is the first time in awhile I’ve felt like someone actually cares about me. It’s a great feeling.
07/10/00: Well now Sam and I talk twice a day. I can’t believe it, but I really do love him. So today we chatted, and then Cara came over. She had just gotten her braces off. She looks sooo much older! It’s weird. We watched a movie and then did some stuff on the computer. We had a lot of fun! Cara definitely is my best friend. Right now it’s 11:21 p.m. and I’m listening to the radio and thinking about Sam. I was actually crying just thinking about how hard it’s gonna be to say goodbye. When school and band camp and everything starts, there will be absolutely no time at all. Since there is a six hour time difference, when I get home from school it will be like 10:00 p.m. his time. I’ll have “loads” of homework to do, and it just won’t work out. Tomorrow I’m going to tell Sam that maybe we should just end things now to make it easier. I don’t want to get too attached and get to know him really well because that will make things more difficult. But then again I love him and want to talk to him 24/7, so I don’t know. Tomorrow I’ll ask him what he thinks of this whole mess we got ourselves into. Well, goodnight (yeah, like I’ll really be able to sleep)!
Commentary: I almost choked on my coffee when I read that very first sentence. I thought I had grown out of my non sequitur phase, but apparently not. Today’s photo is one that was taken at the park I mentioned going to with my mom and sister. It definitely doesn’t seem like that was 15 years ago!