My 20-Year Diary

I will be posting 20 years of my diary entries, ages 8-28, from 1993-2014!

I Knew They Were Drunk — November 30, 2015

I Knew They Were Drunk

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02/06/01: A lot has been going on in my life lately, but all I can think about is what happened tonight. I’ll tell ya about that, but first, about that Derek person…he never wrote me a note like he said he was going to do. He told my friend that he liked me, but he sure doesn’t act like it! Anyway, I can’t wait around for him to make up his mind about me, so I’m movin’ on! I haven’t seen James since the last time I wrote. I did talk to him online and on the phone a few times, though. He’s cool, even though he’s not what I’m used to. But I do like him, kinda. He thinks we should hook up, but I never get to see him anymore! That’s what I told him, but he said that will all change because he was getting his license back and was going to come over. Well he never came! So forget him too, I guess! Anyway, there is this guy named Jordan that Brent is trying to hook me up with. I’ve seen him before, and he’s cute! Tonight Brent called around 5:30 and said that he and Jordan were going to come over. By the way, Samantha and Brent broke up, so she wouldn’t be coming with them. Anyhow, I waited and waited and figured they weren’t coming. Finally, at 9:30 p.m., the doorbell rings and it’s Brent, Jordan, and some other guy. The second I saw them, I knew they were drunk. Brent was like, “Let’s go downstairs,” so we did. Okay, I’ve never been around people who are drunk. Ever! So I didn’t know what to expect. Brent picked up a guitar and played a few notes. Then they all started to laugh. It wasn’t even funny! Drunk people are just scary like that. Brent was trying to get me to talk to Jordan, but I wouldn’t say anything because I was mad at them. Brent took me in another room to try and see what was wrong, but I just said “Nothing.” Then I tried to leave, but he held me back and grabbed my boobs! I was like, “Oh my gosh!” I’m not sure if he even realized what he did, but it was wrong. Then I basically kicked them out. Brent said he would call me later to see why I was mad. I don’t think they will even get home without getting in a wreck because they were so drunk. Tonight really made me think. Oh by the way, my computer crashed and has been down for two weeks, so I haven’t been able to talk to Sam. The last talk we had was great, though. He talked about how his band was doing and said he can’t wait for me to come see them. He was saying all this stuff like when they go on tour I have to come with them. It made me think that he might actually still have some feelings for me. That’s nice, because I love him lots. I always will. Anyway, to relate Sam to what happened tonight, he’s from England so he drinks a lot. I’m just picturing him drunk since now I know what drunks act like, and now I’m thinkin’ maybe I wouldn’t wanna be around someone like that. It’s scary to think about. Sam is such an amazing person and I would never want to lose him. I’m not sure what to do, but I’m going to think about it. I’ll write more some other day.

Commentary: I don’t think I knew what the phrase “hook up” meant. I was under the impression it meant to start dating someone. I guess it’s a good thing I had never been around drunk people until I was a sophomore in high school. I know some people who started drinking when they were in eighth grade! I look super creepy in today’s photo – my friend, Samantha, is the one sitting on the bed. My mom tried to decorate my room nicely with hearts and angels, but clearly I had other ideas. This picture really illustrates what my musical interests were at the time – Limp Bizkit, Eminem, and of course, the Red Hot Chili Peppers. That large picture on the wall above my friend’s head was a painting of a lake with a swan in it, but I completely covered it up with crap I found in magazines, on the internet, and in album booklets. I’m sure my mom was thrilled when she saw it. 

I Hope He Doesn’t Make Any More Moves on Me — November 27, 2015

I Hope He Doesn’t Make Any More Moves on Me

school dance

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01/08/01: On Friday night, Samantha came over and we went over to her boyfriend Brent’s house. Then we called James and went to his house, so I finally met him. It was weird because this is the person who I always talk to on the phone, but when I saw him, he was totally different than what I expected. It was sooo strange….we couldn’t even talk to each other at first. Then James came over to Brent’s house with us and we started watching a movie. Gosh, James put his arm around me when we were laying down. He also tickles me – it’s annoying! He was trying to hold my hand and stuff. How can you act like that around someone you don’t know at all? Then every time Brent and Samantha would hug, James would come up and try to cling onto me. Then we started playing Truth or Dare. James had to kiss me on the cheek, and then I had to kiss him on the cheek. Then he had to kiss me on the lips. Then everyone wanted me to go make out with him in a closet, but I refused to do that. Afterwards we played this stripping card game which was really embarrassing. Then Samantha and I had to go home. On Saturday night, Cara and I went to a dance at our school and had an awesome time! Two of the most popular guys asked us to slow dance. Wow! I couldn’t believe it. I mean they are sooo popular and have never even looked at me before, and all of a sudden they ask me to dance. Then on Sunday I woke up at 5:00 a.m. and threw up 12 times! I haven’t thrown up since second grade, so I didn’t know what was happening. I had the flu sooo bad. My temperature was 102 degrees. Anyway, James called last night, but my dad told him I was sick. I’ve been wondering what he wanted. Gosh, I only want to be his friend, so I hope he doesn’t make any more moves on me. Oh, and about that Sam punk…well I don’t really think about him that much anymore. I just have other guys in my life right now. I still have to meet him in person someday, but for right now he’s being put on hold. Oh, and then there is this guy named Derek. He goes to my school and Cara told him that I like him, so now he’s going to write me a note and supposedly ask me out. That’s good, because then I can tell James I have a boyfriend so he will kinda leave me alone. Well I’m tired, so I’ll write more later.

Commentary: So I refused to make out with James in a closet but wasn’t opposed to playing a stripping card game?!

I Just Hope I Can Do This… — November 26, 2015

I Just Hope I Can Do This…

new year's

01/01/01: Today is the first day of the New Year. Last night Cara and I went to this party on a boat out on the river. A radio station was broadcasting live from there. It kind of sucked because all of the people there were freaks, so we ended up leaving. We were desperate to find another party to go to but it was too late, so we ended up going to my house. We missed the countdown, and then I lost it. I was sooo pissed because this was something I had been looking forward to for a very long time and the whole night was ruined. The year 2000 has really been the worst year of my life! I’m glad it’s over, but I’m scared that 2001 will be worse. Oh well, I’m not going to worry about that now. When I look back on this year, I realize that I have been doing a lot of things in the wrong way. My New Year’s resolution is going to be to try and change all of my bad habits. For instance, I always wait until the last minute to get homework done, end up going to bed at 12:30 a.m., and am dead tired the next day at school. I also am going on a diet because this past year I have been either pigging out on junk food or just starving myself altogether. It may seem like things like that aren’t a big deal, but I’ve been doing a lot of other things the wrong way, and it all adds up in the end. So from now on, I’m going to start pulling myself together and live a better life. I just hope I can do this…

Commentary: I wish I would have realized that my life wasn’t that horrible. Just because I was a procrastinator, went to bed late, and ate junk food didn’t mean that I was a failure. I was extremely hard on myself and had a tendency to focus on the negative instead of the positive. I didn’t know it then, but these were some of the best years of my life. It’s a shame I didn’t enjoy them more. 

BITE ME — November 25, 2015


dear diary

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12/29/00: Woah! I was pretty upset when I wrote that last entry. Sorry about that. Anyways, I just read through my old diary. I’m definitely more mature now than when I wrote in that. I had no idea I talked about Sam so much back then. I’m glad I wrote about him though, because I definitely don’t want to forget him. Oh, and I was just thinking about something…I remember going to the dentist and then coming home and wanting to talk to Sam. Well today I’m scheduled to go to the dentist, so that means I’ve known Sam for six months! I can’t believe it. That’s a pretty long time to stay friends with someone you have never met. As I was reading that old diary, I found out that I really was head over heels for him. I’m not quite like that anymore. I don’t think about him all the time like I used to. Oh, I actually talked to Sam recently and he asked how my Christmas was. Then we talked about our plans for New Year’s Eve. He asked about James and what was up with him. So I started telling him, and he didn’t say anything and just got offline. What’s up with that? He always does that, but he was the one who asked! Uggghhh. He has done that same thing so many times. He will ask about a guy and I’ll start telling him, then he won’t say anything and leave. Hmmmm. Anyway, I’m grounded for the whole day! I’m not even going to explain what I did, it’s stupid. I just went to a movie and didn’t call my mom to get permission. BITE ME. Well I’m going to go take a shower, so I’ll talk to ya L8R.

Commentary: Instead of playing games and trying to make Sam jealous, I wonder what would’ve happened if I had just been honest. How would he have reacted if I told him that I wasn’t at all interested in James and was actually falling for him?! Would he be scared off, or was it secretly what he had been wanting to hear? 

I’m No Perfect Angel! — November 24, 2015

I’m No Perfect Angel!

christmas tree

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12/27/00: I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but Christmas isn’t fun anymore. Actually, I haven’t been excited for any holiday this whole year. When I was little I always got excited, but this year everything has been different. I really can’t get along with my mom, and she’s driving me absolutely crazy! I can’t wait until I move out of this nightmare house, and I’m totally serious. I talked to my sister and she even said that she’s going to move as far away as possible after college. So my plan is to move to California. That’s where I’ve dreamed of going my whole life. Anyway, I was telling my mom the plans I had for New Year’s Eve since she won’t allow me to go to ANY of my friends’ parties because she doesn’t trust me. Cara and I were going to go on this boat and meet new people and have the countdown and everything on the boat. My mom just doesn’t want me to go. Uggghhh. Do you know what I did last New Year’s Eve? I sat in my parents’ bedroom all by myself, crying. Yeah, that totally sucked. That was just the beginning of a totally messed up year. This has definitely been the worst year of my life. Actually, each year gets worse and worse. I don’t know how the hell I’m going to survive before I go totally crazy. The only good thing about this whole year was that I met Sam. I bet he doesn’t even like me at all now, so I’m just hopeless. Man, I can’t even explain how I’m feeling at the moment. My mom says I can never talk to or hang out with Brent or James ever again. I am sooo mad. My mom just wants me to be a perfect little angel but she is going to have to face reality – I’m no perfect angel! My parents want me to hang out with freak Melissa, but I can’t stand her! All she does is talk about school and studying. She never has any fun. She would never even think about getting drunk. I really can’t deal with people like her. Cara agrees with me. Parents just don’t understand a darn thing! I am seriously NEVER telling my parents anything ever again! They think they can take away all my freedom – hell no! I don’t think so! From now on I’m not going to let my parents ruin my life. Just because they hate their lives and are constantly depressed, they want me to be depressed, too. It’s not fair. My mom always says she wishes she never had kids. Well fine, I wish I was never born! But I’m dead serious – I’m going to stop crying myself to sleep every night because of my parents. I’m gonna go out there and have some fun! I’m going to promise myself to never take their crap again, because they are definitely ruining my life.

Commentary: Oh. my. goodness. What was my deal? Is it normal for teenagers to be this dramatic? I don’t know whether to laugh at the ridiculousness of this entry or be mortified that I’m actually sharing it online.

He Has Already Been to Jail for Five Hours —

He Has Already Been to Jail for Five Hours


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12/16/00: On Thursday, James called. Actually, Samantha called first to warn me that James was going to call, haha. Anyway, James and I talked for about 20 minutes. He’s totally nice and everything, but we come from two way different backgrounds, so we don’t have that much in common. He ended up calling two more times that night. Cara was over because she had to use my computer. She got on the phone when I was trying to talk to Brent because he called. Cara was being really rude and I was kind of getting sick of her. Then James called and she was rude to him too, so she was like totally embarrassing me. I was upset because every time I listen in on one of her phone calls, I stay totally quiet. Once I got away from Cara, I called James back. We talked for awhile, and then my brother took the phone and hung up on us. I looked all over for James’ phone number, but couldn’t find it. Then Brent called and told me to get online. I asked Brent what James really thought about me since they are good friends. He said that James thought I sounded like I was about 13 and not 15 and a half years old. He also said I sounded hot, was funny, and had a good personality. Ha! I don’t know if I believe that. Brent could have just made that up to get me to go out with James. Anyway, I found out something I didn’t really want to know. Well first, James’ mom lives in Chicago so he goes up there every weekend, but guess what? He is also on probation! Apparently he borrowed his friend’s car to go home from school and crashed it, so the city is keeping an eye on him, making him do all this community service and stuff. I don’t think James wanted me to know about that, but I found out. If he does anything else like that again, he goes to prison. He has already been to jail for five hours. I wasn’t planning on going out with him, but Samantha says I should meet him and give him a chance. Brent would also be mad if I turned James down. I don’t know what to do. I mean, what’s the point of going out with someone who goes to Chicago every weekend? We would never be able to do anything. Ugghh, why did they have to get me into this whole mess? I’ll figure something out. Oh yeah, about Sam – I haven’t really talked to him since the last time I wrote, but he said he might have a girlfriend this Saturday night and it’s Saturday! I hope he doesn’t have a girlfriend! He said she has a really cool CD collection, and he figures that’s a good reason to go out with her. Uggghh. Oh well. Okay, I better go get ready because I’m going out since it’s Saturday night!

Commentary: That James dude was bad news. I should have been smart enough to know that I needed to stay away from him. The fact that he was on probation should have been a big red flag, but for some reason I kept talking to him. 

Ted and I Are Like Friends Now — November 23, 2015

Ted and I Are Like Friends Now


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12/13/00: Today it was snowing really badly, so we got out of school an hour early. Cara drove me over to her house, and we just sat around and watched TV. It was boring, so she finally took me home. The roads were really bad and we ended up getting stuck. My parents drove by and were pissed at me! Uggghhh, so I ended up getting in so much trouble just because she took me home. Then Samantha and Brent drove by. Ugghhh! They’re nice, don’t get me wrong, but they never call before they come over. It’s always a surprise visit at the worst possible times. Brent wanted me to meet his friend James, so he called him up and made me talk to him. I don’t even know this person at all. Of course I didn’t know what to say, and every time James tried asking me something, Brent and Samantha would start talking to me. So the whole time I was like, “What? What?” That’s a really good first impression to make! Now he probably thinks I’m so dumb. Brent said I should call him back, but I couldn’t. I already made a fool out of myself. Then Brent and Samantha left, and I got online and saw that Ted was on. I never know if I should say anything to him, because one time (a long time ago) Sam got online using his brother’s screen name and said that he just had to switch names. He also said that I should never message that name because his bro would be pissed, but I do it anyway. Ted has never been mad or anything. Anyway, I ended up talking to Ted for a half hour. He always asks sooo many questions! I barely have time to answer because he’s always on to the next question. I guess he just wants to know a lot about America and the people here or something. I finally had to go, so I said, “See ya,” and Ted was like, “Ta-ta love.” Woah, I thought that was a little weird, but I dunno…he’s probably that nice to everyone. Ted and I are like friends now. The thing is, I don’t even know if Sam knows anything about this. He probably doesn’t have a clue that I talk to his brother. Oh well, I guess he’ll find out soon enough! Really, I just want to talk to Sam – not his brother or anyone else!

Commentary: I definitely remember getting stuck in the snow. My parents told me to stay at my friend’s house because they didn’t want her to risk driving in that much snow, plus she had only recently gotten her license. I didn’t listen and convinced her to drive me home, probably so I could see if Sam was online, and of course her van ended up getting stuck. It wasn’t a huge deal because we got stuck right in front of my house, but it was quite a scene – my friend was trying to get her van un-stuck, my parents came outside and were yelling at me, and then Brent and Samantha showed up unannounced and got to witness everything. I should have learned my lesson – listen to your parents because they are almost always right!

There Is this Really Cool Band I Like — November 22, 2015

There Is this Really Cool Band I Like


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12/12/00: Cara and I got ready and went to the mall to do some Christmas shopping. It was pretty fun, and we saw tons of people we knew. That was all I did today. Oh, I don’t know if I told you, but there is this really cool band I like. They are the Deftones. Sam kinda got me into them. Another band I’ve liked for quite awhile is called Incubus. They will forever be one of my favorites. If I ever open up this diary when I’m a lot older, I should go listen to some of their songs. I never want to stop listening to them or forget the impact they have made on my life. I have so much appreciation for music, it’s weird. My ultimate goal in life is to be the lead singer of a really cool and famous band. I would love to write songs that people can relate to and have a good feeling about when they hear the songs. But that will never happen, right? Nahh!

Commentary: I love this diary entry because it’s the first time I mention liking Deftones! They have been my favorite band for quite awhile. I don’t give my younger self many compliments, but I must say that it was pretty cool of me to like a band like Deftones at 15 years old. When I wrote this entry 15 years ago and looked into the future, I definitely didn’t foresee myself liking the same music when I was in my 30’s. I told my older self to go listen to Incubus and Deftones to remind myself what a huge impact they made on my life, but little did I know that wouldn’t be necessary because I never stopped listening to them! Incubus and Deftones went on tour together a few months ago and I was fortunate enough to see one of their shows. It was truly an unforgettable experience. I had seen Deftones numerous times before, but it was the first time I had seen Incubus in concert since 2002. Today’s photo is of a Deftones poster that I had hanging up in my bedroom for several years. Even though I wasn’t able to live out my dream of being the lead singer of a band, my goals of creating something that people can relate to and have a good feeling about have been achieved through this blog! 🙂

We Are a Cosmic Love Match! — November 21, 2015

We Are a Cosmic Love Match!

snow day

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12/11/00: Today my alarm woke me up for school, but my mom ran into my room and said that school was canceled. Yay! It’s supposed to snow like a foot or something and be really windy. Anyway, last night I was just listening to my favorite radio station (99X), and they were having this thing called Modern Rock Live with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It’s a radio station that’s broadcast all over the US, but is based in Los Angeles. Anthony and John were there (Chad and Flea couldn’t come) and people called in from all over to ask them questions. So basically, I could have called in and asked the people who are my idols (and mean the world to me) anything I wanted to! I was going crazy. I wanted to so badly, but I knew the line would be really busy, so I didn’t call in. I taped most of the conversation, though. Actually about half, because I didn’t know it was on until I finally went to change the CD I was listening to and the radio came on. Once I started listening to their music again and hearing them talk about their lives, I totally fell in love with them once again. This year has definitely been a year where I’ve gotten into so many different bands. I had stopped listening to the Chili Peppers because I’ve been so involved with all the new music out there. After last night, I realized that RHCP is my favorite band and will remain that way. Their music means so much to me. Anyway, enough about that. Today I got online and Sam’s older brother, Ted, was online. I wasn’t sure if I should say anything to him or not, but I did. I have talked to him a few times before, and he’s always been pretty nice. WOW! One of my favorite RHCP songs just came on! I was just talking about them. Back to my story, the very first time I spoke with Ted, he was the one who messaged me and said, “Hey, aren’t you the girl who is always talking to my brother?” And I was like, “Yep.” So today I was like, “How’s England?” and we ended up talking for a full hour and a half! His brother is pretty cool…kinda weird though! We talked about what types of music we like, and we just happen to like all the same things. I know it wasn’t Sam pretending to be his brother or anything because talking to Ted is definitely different than talking to Sam. First, Ted always types everything in CAPS and Sam doesn’t. Also, Sam absolutely hates rap and Ted likes it. I had a nice chat with Ted but it was getting late, so I said I had to go. At the last minute I said, “Tell your brother I said hi,” and he said he would. It’s weird because during our whole conversation I wasn’t sure if Ted remembered who I was or not, but in the end I guess he did. So then Ted said “Ta-ta deary”- that’s so sweet! I really like Sam and his brother, but of course Sam more, ya know. Also, Sam is an Aries and I’m a Gemini – that means we are a cosmic love match! I was really excited when I found that out. I know it’s true. It’s getting late and I’m going to spend the night at Cara’s house because tomorrow is another snow day!

Commentary: Darn, I thought my Red Hot Chili Peppers phase was over. I can’t believe I bought into all that astrology BS, but stuff like that was pretty popular at the time. I checked my horoscope as often as I checked my email. It’s interesting that this entry is about snow days, because this morning we got a lot of snow! It was actually the first snowfall of the season, and it really put me in a Christmas mood 🙂 Time to get out the decorations, pour myself some coffee, and listen to Christmas music!!

He Actually Does Have Feelings for Me — November 19, 2015

He Actually Does Have Feelings for Me


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11/28/00: I had a better day today. School went by really slowly, but at least nothing bad happened. When I got home, Sam was online (wow) and we started talking. I kinda didn’t talk that much because I was also on the phone. So he had to go, and we only had about ten minutes. Every time I am dying to speak with him, I get all these interruptions. He actually remembered something I told him a long time ago. He was telling me that he had to go, and this is what he said: “I gotta go cos my mum, sorry, MOM is yelling for me.” He said that because awhile ago I had been playfully making fun of the way people in England say “mum” instead of “mom.” I really couldn’t believe he remembered that, because he has forgotten a lot of other things. I think tomorrow I’ll apologize for not saying much. I’ll explain that I keep having interruptions but am really glad he started getting online again. Now he probably thinks I don’t even wanna talk to him or something. I don’t know what it is, but I really like him LOADS and LOADS. Haha, he always says “loads” instead of “a lot.” Well I’m gonna try and do homework now, L8R!

12/10/00: I haven’t written in awhile because nothing too exciting has been happening. Except for today. Sam didn’t get online for like two weeks after the last time I wrote in here, and I thought he wouldn’t want to talk to me ever again since I didn’t say that much. So I waited for him to respond to the email I sent two weeks ago, but he never did. Last Thursday I wrote to him again saying that it seems like he doesn’t want to talk to me since he never writes back. The next day I got an email saying this: “Heeeey, don’t ever think I don’t wanna talk to ya anymore, because I do. It’s just that I’ve been busy with work, the band, and school. But I promise we’ll chat again real soon.” I am so happy he still wants to talk to me! Anyway, I had this really strange feeling in my stomach all day and felt like somehow I knew I would get to talk to Sam. So I got online, and he was on! One of the first things he said was how much he missed me. I couldn’t believe it! I was so shocked. It kind of made me realize that he actually does have feelings for me and I’m not just wasting my time. We got to talk for about an hour or a little over. I made sure that I said a lot this time. I kind of noticed something while speaking with him. It seems like he has changed somehow. I’m not sure what it is, but there is definitely a change in him. The only bad thing about him is how much he drinks! I know he lives in England, but it still bothers me. Sometimes he will have 10 freakin’ beers at a time. I’m worried about him. I know we were meant to meet somehow – that’s a fact. Every time I think back on how I never used to go into chat rooms and the one time I do I meet the coolest person alive, that’s the thing that makes me think I’m not crazy after all. I really, really, really, really want to keep on being friends with him because he means so much to me.

Commentary: It’s still fascinating to me how this whole internet romance started and how I developed such strong feelings for someone I had never met in person. I can see how this type of thing happens though, because talking to someone on the internet is a lot different than being around them 24/7. It’s definitely not reality since they can be whoever they want to be online. I can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened had Sam and I met in real life. Would he have been as awesome and amazing as I imagined, or completely different than what I expected? Guess I’ll never know!

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