My 20-Year Diary

I will be posting 20 years of my diary entries, ages 8-28, from 1993-2014!

I Really Think He Could Be My Soulmate — October 30, 2015

I Really Think He Could Be My Soulmate


07/05/00: Yesterday was the 4th of July. Cara and I had lots of fun plans and I was very excited, but she was sick. I ended up going with my parents and sister to watch fireworks and play cards. I still had fun, though. Today I started my period and had cramps, so I didn’t get dressed. I just lazed around and got online. I made a few new friends, so that was nice. Yesterday I met Chris, a guy who is so totally nice! He sent me two emails already. I like guys who write to me. Then I got online at 4:00 and didn’t even know why because I usually never get on that late in the day. Then some person messaged me and said, “Hi, do you know who this is?” I said I had no idea because it was a screen name I had never seen before. Then they said, “Guess. It starts with an ‘S’.” I was like oh, no way! I’m like, “Sam?” and it was!!! He was using his brother’s screen name. He NEVER gets on at 10:00 his time! He said he didn’t think I would be on, but checked anyway. We had a really nice conversation today. He said he feels like he can tell me everything, which is weird since he doesn’t trust many people in his life. I was so touched by that. Awww diary! I know this sounds crazy, but I really think Sam could be my soulmate. We both know it deep down, I think. Well I better go to bed before I bore you to death. Sorry I talk about Sam all the time, he’s just the coolest guy ever!!! Nighty night!

Commentary: Looking back on this phase of my life when I talked to guys in chat rooms, I realize how lucky I was that nothing bad ever happened. It seems like there weren’t as many online predators back in the day compared to now, but it still isn’t a smart thing to do! 

I Only Cried a Little — October 29, 2015

I Only Cried a Little


07/02/00: Right now it’s 10:11 on Sunday night. Last night was the RHCP concert. We picked Cara up and started our two hour trip to Moline, IL. When my mom told me we only had 30 minutes left until we got there, my stomach dropped and I started to feel sick. Then I felt like I was going to cry because I was so scared. I mean, it was only Cara and I going – two 15 year old scrawny, attractive girls. The Chili Peppers have been around for 17 years, so most of the fans are old, like 30 year old men. My parents dropped us off about two blocks from the performance arena place, and we walked until we got inside. First, people padded us down and searched any bags we had. After that, Cara and I had no idea where to go – upstairs or downstairs. Somehow we found our seats. The lights went out a little while later, and a band called Blonde Redhead came out. They totally sucked, and everyone was yelling at them to get off the stage. Then the Foo Fighters came out and performed a great show. Dave Grohl (lead singer) walked out into the audience and played guitar. He also said “hello” to the people who got bad seats and couldn’t see the stage that well. Then he climbed up on a speaker and Chad (RHCP drummer) tried to throw him drumsticks from the stage. Then Taylor Hawkins sang a song while Chad and Dave played drums. It was cool! Then dry ice came out and flowed over the stage. Next the Chili Peppers came out and performed a hell of a show. It was even better than the last concert! They really are the best band in the world. They are the most talented people. I only cried a little…I just have sooo much love for them! The whole time I was singing my heart out because I knew every word of every song. The crowd was WILD! Body surfing and mosh pits were happening all over, so Anthony told everyone to chill and treat each other nicely because they wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt. I thought it was incredibly nice of him to do that. They played several different songs from last time, so that was good. I also bought a t-shirt. The whole concert was absolutely AMAZING!!! Near the end, Flea came out to give a little speech about how he really appreciates everyone coming, how he was sooo grateful, and that he loves us soo much. It’s cool that they talk to the fans. I brought my camera and tried to take pics, so I hope they turn out. One boy at the concert was hitting on Cara and I, but it’s all good. He was cute, though! 🙂 Well I don’t know what else to say, except that the Chili Peppers ROCK and all my love and respect goes to them! My mom said that she passed the Chili Peppers’ tour buses after dropping us off. That’s cool! The concert really made me realize how much I connect with music, and how I really want to be in a band and tour for a living. I would seriously want to write music and perform than have any other job in the world! I really was savoring every moment of the concert! I have to go again…
Then Cara and I left and it was scary walking out because we didn’t know where to meet my parents – everything looks different in the dark. I seriously thought we would get raped or something. We finally found my parents and drove home. I was really wound up in the van and was acting all crazy cause I was so excited still. Now I’m sitting here sooo sad knowing it’s over. Anyway, it was the best day of my entire life so far 🙂 Today Sam and I chatted online. I hadn’t talked to him in the longest time, so it was nice and I told him all about the concert. Well I haven’t gotten sleep in two nights, so I better go. Now it’s 10:53 p.m. The night before last (Friday), I went to Cara’s for a Chili Pepper party to get excited for the concert. I spent the night and barely got any sleep.

Commentary: I don’t think the words “scrawny” and “attractive” belong in the same sentence. I thought 30 was old and now I’m 30, eek! My dream of being in a band and touring for a living sure didn’t pan out. It’s weird to think about how my friend and I had to somehow find my parents’ van after the concert and couldn’t text/call them to see where they were at – didn’t have a cell phone back then! I love when I have a photo that matches up perfectly with what I wrote about, and today’s photo is of me and my friend going to that RHCP concert. Props to my parents for driving me to concerts that were hours away, even on school nights.

It Just Seems Like He Doesn’t Like Me Anymore —

It Just Seems Like He Doesn’t Like Me Anymore


06/28/00: I haven’t talked to Sam in five days! I found out he changed his email address, so the two emails I sent never got to him. I sent an email to his new address telling him how I felt and he actually wrote back and sounded really sad. He said he was really sorry he hasn’t been online much – he’s just been very busy and had to deal with a lot of stuff. He said I didn’t do anything wrong, and he’s not mad. It just seems like he doesn’t like me anymore. I really hope he still does, because I have NEVER felt this way about anyone else. I sent him another email today saying we should schedule a time to chat. Hopefully we will talk soon, because I need to get everything sorted out. Anyway, today I finally recovered from the flu, which I’ve had since yesterday. Then I went over to Cara’s house and we watched a movie. That’s all I have to say!
06/29/00: Well Sam and I didn’t talk today either! I guess he’s just really busy or something. He said he would TRY to talk to me soon, though. Anyway, I am sooo excited because I’m going to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers on Saturday, and right now it’s 11:15 p.m. on Thursday night. I absolutely love them sooooooooooooo much! I can’t even explain my appreciation and gratitude for them in words. Every day I wake up and scream at the top of my lungs because I’m so thrilled that I get to see them for the second time! I printed off pics on my computer of the Chili Peppers to add to my closet door. I want to fill the whole thing up with pics of them. I also went outside and took a bike ride for once. Right now I’m just listening to the beginning of the song Under the Bridge. It’s really sad. TOO SAD! So now I’m listening to Hollywood. Okay, I don’t really have anything else to say, so bye!

Commentary: Why did I keep emailing that poor guy? Clearly he needed a break from me. I really doubt I woke up and screamed at the top of my lungs every morning from excitement about going to another RHCP concert. My mom would have killed me if I had done that even once. Today’s photo of Anthony Kiedis was one that I had taped to my closet door. I might have kissed it a few times 🙂

Everything is Okie-Dokie! — October 27, 2015

Everything is Okie-Dokie!


06/26/00: Today I woke up and had a dentist appointment to go to. My doctor said my teeth looked great and I didn’t have any cavities. That was great news for me, because lately I have been drinking lots of soda and eating tons of candy, so I’m really happy! 🙂 Then I got online, but Sam wasn’t on. I haven’t talked to him in three days! On the 24th he had a b-day party to go to, then yesterday Cara and I went tubing on the Illinois River. We had sooo much fun! At the last minute I had to email Sam to let him know I had to cancel our chat for the day. So now I’m worried that he’s mad at me and thinks I just did that to him because he had to cancel on me the day before. Maybe he’ll never want to talk to me again 😦 If he wanted to talk to me, he would have been online today. I left him an email explaining everything and said I would be on at noon tomorrow if he wants to chat. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. Well that’s basically all for now, so I’ll write tomorrow and tell you what the deal is with Sam.
P.S. – I really want to finish this dang diary! I absolutely hate writing in this, but I know one day when I’m a lot older I’ll appreciate it. Reading this, you might think I’m a really messed up and depressed teenager who’s no fun at all. That’s actually not the case. I really like my life no matter how much I say it sucks, cause guess what! I’m going to see the Chili Peppers this Saturday, so everything is okie-dokie!

Commentary: Yes, now that I’m older I certainly do appreciate my diary. When I think about how much time it must have taken me to write these entries and how dedicated I was to it at such a young age, it absolutely amazes me. It’s very interesting to know what I was like back then, and to see how I slowly evolved over time into the person I am today. The above photo was taken when my friend and I went boating. I’m holding a hair brush in my hand, which was very typical of me at the time. I took a brush with me everywhere! Why the heck are my swimsuit bottoms pulled up so high?! 

The Twilight of Love Has Arrived! — October 26, 2015

The Twilight of Love Has Arrived!


06/22/00: Today I couldn’t wait to talk to Sam! At 12:35 I got online, and he was on. I was so excited to talk to him, but the only problem was that it didn’t go very well today. I guess I was a little quiet, so he thought I was mad at him. Then he had to go, so he said to get back online at 4:00. I had about an hour, so I called Erin and we went on a bike ride to discuss things. She’s been really mad at me for no apparent reason. I guess that’s just how she is. Anyway, at 4:00 I got online and it said that Sam was online on my friends list, but when I tried to go to the same chat room as him, it said he wasn’t online. So I don’t know if he was mad at me and didn’t get back online, or if my computer just screwed up. He did send me another pic though, and he’s so cute! I really like him, and hope that he’s not mad at me. I sent him an email, and at the end I said I would talk to him at the same time tomorrow. He BETTER get on!!! Then my parents got in a huge fight and my mom drove off crying, so I guess you could say I’ve had a hell-of-a hard day!
06/23/00: This morning I woke up and took a shower. Then I talked to Sam. We had a really good talk today and cleared a lot of stuff up. He thought I was mad at him or something, so he was being kind of quiet. Then I watched TV for awhile. Erin told me to call her, so I did. Gosh, I just CAN’T be friends with her. She’s so stupid and way immature. Then I called Cara, and she came over to swim. It started storming really badly, so we went inside. We baked cookies and added lots of nasty stuff to them like Mountain Dew, milk, marshmallows from Lucky Charms cereal, coffee powder junk, chocolate syrup, and lots of sugar. Sounds yummy, doesn’t it? Then Mrs. Wen called and wanted me to babysit at 8:30 tomorrow morning. I really didn’t want to because I already told Sam I would talk to him for three hours tomorrow, so I told her I was busy. She’s probably thinking about firing me, but I just don’t care anymore. Tonight I chatted with LOTS of guys on the internet and couldn’t help but think how lucky I am to have met Sam. He’s so much better than everyone else! Well I’m gonna go to bed now so I can wake up tomorrow and talk to Sam. The twilight of love has arrived!

Commentary: I really hope no one ate those cookies. Why did I do such weird things? I can’t believe I was going to turn down a babysitting job just so I could sit around and chat online all day. The twilight of love has arrived? What the heck am I talking about? I think I got that from a RHCP song. 

I’m 15 Years Old Today —

I’m 15 Years Old Today


06/20/00: Hi! I’m 15 years old today. First, my grandparents came over and gave me my present. Then I checked to see if Sam was online. He got on a few minutes after I did, and we chatted almost the whole day! I thought about what I wanted to do the most on my special day, and of course I wanted to spend it talking with Sam. Then I had to leave for my first color guard practice. While I was there, my friends Samantha and Shawna told the captain it was my b-day, so the whole color guard sang Happy Birthday to me while the band watched. I was sooo embarrassed! Then I went over to Cara’s house to spend the night. We had a lot of fun and got to sleep on the screened-in porch. To complete my b-day, I checked my email and Sam wrote! It wasn’t really anything special, but at the end it said, “Luv, Sam.” Can you believe it?? He’s perfect…
06/21/00: I woke up at Cara’s house of course, and basically went right home. I got ready for the day and then got online. Sam got on almost right when I did! He says I’m the love of his life and I say he’s my soulmate – we’re only kidding, though. Anyway, I could only chat for 15 minutes because then Cara picked me up to go to River City. We basically laid out all day to get tan. I got burnt really badly. Then I babysat the Allen’s from 6:00-10:30 p.m. It was pretty fun. Well, that’s about all I did today, so see ya!

Commentary: I definitely remember feeling a very strong connection to Sam right off the bat, even though I didn’t really know him. I couldn’t believe I had so much in common with someone who lived in a different country!

He Said I Have a Way with Words — October 25, 2015

He Said I Have a Way with Words


06/19/00: Yo, tomorrow is my b-day! I’ll finally be 15. This morning I woke up, watched TV, and then got online. I think I sent Sam a brain message, because he got online about the same time I did. I was more than excited. We chatted for a little over 30 minutes, and then I went to Splashdown Water Park with Cara. Anyway, Sam might be my soulmate…seriously!!! He said I have a way with words – I make everything sound so cool. Ahh! I don’t know what to do. I wish I could tell you every detail of what we chatted about today, but I’ll get way too depressed. It really KILLS me inside that I can’t be with him. I really hope we always stay the good friends that we are now. If I tell anyone about Sam, they won’t understand at all. They might think he’s just pretending to be a 16 year old guy from the UK, but I know he’s not lying. Oh, and he also said that every weekend he gets to take a train to London. I’m so jealous. He said that if we ever met and had 24 hours to do anything together, he would do anything I wanted to do. I really like that he doesn’t ask too many questions. Like if I have to get offline, he won’t ask why. Here I am still talking about him and getting all sad. Let’s change the subject. Going to Splashdown was a lot of fun since I had never been there before. They had a lazy river and really awesome water slides. The only problem was that the whole day I kept thinking about Sam! He said he was listening to the song Breaking the Girl the whole day, so now I’m playing it on repeat. Okay, I better go before I go totally psycho (too late)!

Commentary: I’m glad I decided to go to that water park instead of staying home and talking to Sam all day, which was my original plan. I had crushes on other guys before, but this was the first guy I actually talked to and had long conversations with. Just for the record, he really was a 16 year old guy from the UK and not some 45 year old creep 🙂

We Seem Like Soulmates or Somethin’! — October 24, 2015

We Seem Like Soulmates or Somethin’!


06/08/00: Hey! Sorry I haven’t written in awhile. This week has been pretty hot (in the 80’s), so I have been swimming. My job for the summer is to babysit. I usually babysit the Allen family, but today I babysat the Wen’s for the first time. I had to be there at 10:00 a.m. I played with Sophie and Violet outside while their mom cleaned the house. Then she needed to run some errands, so I went along. We went to a lot of places, and it was the hardest job I’ve ever had! Kids just don’t listen! They basically were spoiled brats and their mom wants me to come again on Monday so I can go to Lakeview Water Park with them. Oh joy…the good news is that I got $27.00! I am also having my period, so the whole day I have had the absolute worst cramps. Then I went on a bike ride and watched the MTV Movie Awards. Oh, and I got an email saying the Chili Peppers just made a video for a song called Californication. Cara invited me to go to Splashdown water park tomorrow, but I’m not going to go because that’s when the video will be shown on TV for the first time – I have to get it on tape! I’m so excited to see it! 🙂

06/17/00: Hi! Sorry I haven’t written in a long time. Cara and I have been getting together a lot more often than we usually do. Anyway, I have news to tell you, and you’ll probably think I’m out of my mind. Okay, I was in this chat room on the internet and got kind of bored, so I clicked on a different room to go into and right when I did that, this guy sent me a message. My screen name is Rockinfreakapotamus_8 which is the name of RHCP’s fanclub that I recently joined, and the guy told me it was a way cool name (he is a big fan himself). Anyway, we got to talking and stayed online for about an hour and a half. He lives in the UK, so that sucks. He sent me two pics of himself and he’s actually cute! He’s 16, though. We seem like soulmates or somethin’! We are going to try and chat at the same time like every day. So the next day we chatted for three hours straight. He is the absolute nicest guy I have ever talked to in my life! His name is Sam. Today he wasn’t able to chat, but sent me an email. When I got it, I screamed I was so happy. That means he was thinking about me. It was a short email though, and it went like this (I memorized it, of course!):
Hey punk!!! How have ya been? Speak w/you soon. Ok, I’ve already run outta things to say, so I’m off. Bye, Sam
Arrgghh! He’s so funny. We have the same sense of humor. I’m debating whether or not I should tell my mom about this. She would get all worked up about it and tell me to stay out of chat roooms or something. No, I won’t tell her. I mean, it’s no big deal. I definitely think this is my first love, though. I know how stupid that must sound knowing that I met him on the internet, but it’s true. I never imagined what it would feel like to actually be in love…it’s great! Like every second I think about him and can’t even sleep at night. I’m always hoping he’s writing me an email or thinking about me. This is sooo weird though! I mean how can I be so wacko for someone I have never met or talked to in person? Everything happens for a reason, so I met him for a reason I guess. So you are probably wondering what we talk about? We actually play games – like one of us will start typing lyrics to a RHCP song and the other person will have to finish the lyric. Or one person will type lyrics and the other has to guess the name of the song. It’s really fun. Guess what?! He even has a British accent. I’ve found out that we have sooo much in common. Well it’s 12:07 a.m. here, so in the UK it must be 6:07 a.m. Sometimes I think I must be crazy, because I had plans for tomorrow – going with my mom to drop my sister off at the airport and then going shopping at Old Navy, a store I have always wanted to go to. I’m not going though, just so I can talk to Sam online. I guess that’s what love does to ya. I better go, it’s already morning…

Commentary: Uh oh, internet romance time! You’ll be hearing a lot about this Sam person. My mom never even knew I talked to this guy until I told her about it a few months ago. Things are about to get interesting! 🙂

I Wish I Could Crawl Up in a Hole and Die — October 22, 2015

I Wish I Could Crawl Up in a Hole and Die

Image (95)

05/30/00: Today was the last day of school! My trip to Chicago was awesome! The whole time we were there we shopped, ate good food, and swam. This week and last week I had finals – it sucked! They were so incredibly hard! Anyway, school got out today at 11:40, so I went over to Cara’s house and came back around 5:00 to eat Pizza Hut. Yummy! At 8:00 or so, Erin called and wondered if I wanted to go on a bike ride. I didn’t really want to, but it was a nice night, so I went. The whole thing was so weird, like going back in time. We pretty much rode in silence and it was awkward. Then I said, “bye,” and went inside. She probably thinks I’m really mean, but ughh! It’s just not the same. We were really close at one time, but that’s over now. Anyway, I’m about to cry because I feel bad about what happened with Erin, plus I won’t get to see Scott the whole summer! Ugh! I should have just asked him out since Cara thought she heard him say that he thought I was cute! Oh well.
06/03/00: Oh my gosh, I am having the worst day. My report card came in the mail – I failed my Algebra final and got C’s on all the rest. My final grades for fourth semester were basically all C’s and one A, which doesn’t even count on the GPA because it’s Health, and then I got a B in Speech. I have basically been crying and fighting with my mom the whole day. On top of that, I haven’t slept in three days straight and have the flu. Ugh, my head hurts sooo bad right now. I wish I could crawl up in a hole and die. Well my freakin’ parents want me to go to a dumb dinner at my grandparents’ house even though I really don’t want to go. Oh, and to make everything worse, my brother got straight A’s on his report card! That really bugs the freakin’ crap out of me. I better go because if I keep writing, I think I might lose it.

Commentary: Haha, I think I meant to say “curl” up in a hole and die 🙂 Today’s photo is of me in high school. I have no idea who took this picture or how I ended up with it. The sandals I’m wearing were my absolute favorite, and I wore them until the part you slide your foot under completely ripped all the way down. 

We Pretty Much Ditched School — October 20, 2015

We Pretty Much Ditched School


05/6/00: Today was the first day of the year that I swam in my pool. It was sooo much fun and brought back a lot of memories from last summer. Guess what! Cara told me that she heard some guys talking about how they thought I was really cute, and we think Scott was talking about me, too. Anyways, at about 7:00, Erin called and wanted to have a talk. I really didn’t want to, but I had to get it over with sometime. We ended up talking until 11:00 p.m. It was sooo weird talking to her again. Then for some reason she asked me what I eat for lunch at school, and I don’t really eat much because the school doesn’t have anything good. So then she came up with this whole thing about how she thinks I’m anorexic and all this crap. She got so worked up about it! Gosh, I am not anorexic, but she wouldn’t leave me alone about it! So now I’m really annoyed with her. Today I bought another Chili Peppers CD called, What Hits!? I’m listening to it right now. It’s good! Prom is tonight, so my sister and her boyfriend Dave came over to see my brother in his tux. I’m so excited because for my birthday I might get to go to another Chili Peppers concert, and Dave said he might be able to get me backstage passes because he knows someone who is related to one of the Chili Peppers or something. He said they live down the street from him. Oh my gosh! I might get to meet my idols! If I ever did, I wouldn’t know what to say and would faint. Well, we are having a prom party, so I’ll go join the fun I guess.
05/19/00: I haven’t written in awhile, and a lot has been happening. So much for getting to meet the Chili Peppers! Dave said he was thinking of a different band and got confused. When I found out, I was sooo pissed off! The good news is that I finally convinced my parents to let Cara and I go to a Chili Peppers concert on July 1st. I’m really excited! I also wrote a letter to the RHCP fan club saying how much I appreciate their music. I’m hoping for a reply back, but they are on tour of course and are very busy. Anyway, I have been having problems with my heart for the past few weeks, so I went to the doctor on Tuesday and he said I have Mitral Valve Prolapse. Then I had to miss more school to go in on Thursday morning to get a heart monitor put on. It sucked! I had five electrodes put on my body with a bunch of wires everywhere and a tape recorder around my waist to record the sounds of my heart. Today is Friday and I went in to get it taken off. I had to wear it for 24 hours and had to write down every single thing I did. I was really relieved to get it off. We won’t get the results back for two weeks, though. Today everyone at my school went to the courthouse, but I didn’t want to go and neither did Cara, so we pretty much ditched school. Right now I’m supposed to be at her house studying for finals, but she never called me back to confirm the plan. Also, I’m leaving for Chicago at 4:00 today for a small vacation with my mom and sister. Well, I’m gonna go check my e-mail to see if the Chili Peppers wrote!

Commentary: Oh wow, I actually thought the Chili Peppers were going to email me? I suppose that’s the way extremely naive 14 year olds think. I’ve had to deal with people thinking I’m anorexic pretty much my whole life, but I didn’t know the accusations started this young. At work a couple weeks ago one of my coworkers asked, “What size are you?!” and proceeded to ask what size pants I wear. Umm, rude! You should never comment on someone’s weight, no matter how big or small they might be. I wouldn’t necessarily blame someone for thinking I have an eating disorder because I definitely am thin, but if I did have one, I’m sure I wouldn’t want to talk about it with people I barely know. I actually really don’t enjoy being super skinny. Every time I see a picture of myself, I cringe because I know I don’t look very healthy, and I would actually love to be about 20 pounds heavier. Hopefully my metabolism will slow down now that I’m 30! 🙂

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