12/31/99: Right now I am sooo depressed. Gosh, I really wish I would die! I don’t hate myself at all, but I just hate life. I’m sick of living a life where I have absolutely no friends and everyone in my family hates me and makes fun of me on a daily basis. I try talking to my mom about being depressed all the time, but she has no clue how I feel and doesn’t understand me even the slightest bit. Every time I try to talk to her, she asks me why I take my anger out on her and the rest of the family. That is a bunch of crap! All I do is tell her how I feel because people say that is supposed to make you feel better. YEAH RIGHT!!! All it does is make me cry more because then I really think that no one understands how I feel. Cara was my only friend, but I have decided that I just can’t be friends with her. This is what she did. A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to Cara on the phone and asked her if she wanted to come over to spend the night on New Year’s Eve. She said, “Okay.” Then last night I called her to tell her the plan. We were going to go shopping during the day, and then she would come over to spend the night and celebrate. She said she would ask her mom and call me right back. She never called back, so I tried calling about 10 times but couldn’t get ahold of her. Then I waited until the next morning. Finally, I got ahold of her. I asked her if she could come shopping with me, and she said she hadn’t even asked her mom yet. She said she would call right back. I waited two hours, but she never called! I tried calling her for a half hour but nobody answered, so I left a message on her answering machine saying I was going to have to leave without her since she wasn’t calling me back. When I got home from shopping, I called her and she said that she had to go shopping with her mom to help her, because I had asked where she went. But that was just a lie! Oh yeah right, I can’t believe that she had to help her mom go shopping. Then the cord on my phone came out because it’s broken, so I lost the call. I tried calling back, but since she knew it was me, she didn’t answer. I decided to wait an hour. I called again, and her mom said she wasn’t home. I’m like, “Well when will she be back?” Her mom said, “Tomorrow.” Cara said yesterday that this girl named Abby wanted her to come over to spend the night. She said that she didn’t want to because Abby is kind of a bad person, and she told me some of the disgusting things Abby has done. Cara’s mom told me she had gone over to spend the night at Abby’s house. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe it! She is such a jerk. She even told me once that she knew Abby was just using her because Britney (Abby’s best friend) is in Hawaii. Why would you want to spend New Year’s with someone who is using you, when you can spend it with your true best friend? I have no idea what she was thinking, but I know I don’t want to be friends with her anymore. So now I’m going to spend the New Year by myself. I can’t believe this!!! Well I’ll write at 12:30 when it’s the year 2000 so you can see how everything went.
01/01/00: Right now it’s 2:00 in the morning. I am going to tell you how my New Year’s went. Okay, I decided that I wasn’t going to let Cara ruin my night, because I’ll remember this night for the rest of my life. So at 6:00, I started watching MTV. They had lots of bands that performed, and one of my favorite bands, Bush, was there and played The Chemicals Between Us, which is an awesome song. I love the lead singer, Gavin! I have loved him ever since 5th grade. I watched MTV until midnight, and it turned out to be lots of fun. Then it was the millennium all of a sudden. I threw confetti and kissed my cat, Kenzie. It wasn’t the best New Year’s, but it was cool.
Commentary: Why was I such a psycho? When my friend didn’t return my call the first time I should have taken a hint, but apparently that went right over my head. It would have been nice of her to just tell me that she had made other plans instead of avoiding me, but she was probably scared of me by that point. I had such high expectations for any kind of holiday, birthday, etc., so when something didn’t work out the way I had planned, I freaked out. I love how I acted like I was going to go do something really fun and not let my friend ruin my night, but then end up watching MTV by myself and kissing my cat at midnight. Fun fact: I still love the band Bush, and decided to see them in concert earlier this year to live out one of my childhood dreams 🙂