My 20-Year Diary

I will be posting 20 years of my diary entries, ages 8-28, from 1993-2014!

Carson Just Bought a Nintendo GameCube — September 18, 2017

Carson Just Bought a Nintendo GameCube

11/13/04 (Saturday):  This morning when I woke up, I had a lot of trouble getting out of bed. For some reason I was extremely tired, but I knew I had to get up because Carson and I are going apartment hunting for next year. Around 1:00 PM we left to drive around the area to stop at any apartments we were interested in. I really want to live with Carson next year, but of course my parents have a problem with that. We decided to at least live in the same apartment complex. We didn’t have much luck finding anything good, so after making a few stops, we returned to my dorm room. Carson just bought a Nintendo GameCube, so he played that while I took a nap. When I woke up it was time for him to leave for work, so we said goodbye. I tried to go back to sleep, but was rudely awakened by a loud pounding on my door. I went to look out the peephole but didn’t see anyone, so I just locked the door and got back in bed. It really scared me for some reason to where I didn’t even want to leave my room to go to the bathroom. Finally, I went downstairs to eat dinner and of course they didn’t have anything good at the food court, so I had to just eat cereal. For the next few hours, I basically just sat around and waited for Carson to get off work. It seemed like forever until he finally called me at 9:30 PM to say he was on his way home. It really sucks because I don’t get any good channels in my dorm room, so when he’s gone at work there isn’t much for me to do. I don’t go out and party like everyone else. I live in a single room, so it tends to get pretty lonely in here. I just talked to Carson online and he’s coming over so good – I won’t be lonely anymore. Oh and by the way, when I went to the gyno recently, my test results came back abnormal. Yesterday morning I actually had to have a biopsy done which is where they had to take out a little piece of my uterus and test it for cancer. I was so nervous to have the procedure done and was dreading it every day last week, so I’m glad that it’s over with and it wasn’t as painful as I had imagined. Now all I have to worry about is getting the results back. The doctors who performed the procedure were very nice and made me feel comfortable, so I was thankful for that. Anyway, Carson is over here now and we are going to do homework and play Nintendo, so I’ll write later.

Commentary: My boyfriend during this time worked at the Olive Garden, so I always looked forward to nights when he was able to bring home free/discounted food. Usually it was just salad and breadsticks, but sometimes he’d bring home a dessert, so that was always a fun surprise considering I have a major sweet tooth 🙂 We also got a discount anytime we wanted to eat at either Olive Garden or Red Lobster, which was nice when you’re poor college students. I’m really in the mood to play Nintendo GameCube after reading this entry. The main game we played was called, “Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door,” and it was awesome. I considered editing out the part about going to the gynecologist, but I want this blog to be as real and unedited as possible, so I decided to leave it in. 

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I Just Wanted to Stay in Bed and Continue Watching “Ghost” — September 17, 2017

I Just Wanted to Stay in Bed and Continue Watching “Ghost”

11/02/04:  I haven’t written in awhile and decided I should start again. During high school, I was pretty good about writing in my journal and it actually helped me a lot. I haven’t written as much now that I’m in college because I’m so busy and don’t have hardly any free time. Things in my life have been confusing lately, so I thought keeping a journal would help me sort out my emotions. Anyway, I’m currently a sophomore at Illinois State University and am 19 years old. My boyfriend’s name is Carson and we have been dating for a little over a year. Even though we have our share of problems, he means the world to me and I love him more than anything. Today I woke up and was in a good mood because I didn’t have to go to my criminal justice class at 9:35. It was just a time for students to ask the teacher questions about what material will be on the exam on Thursday. I figured there was no need for me to go as long as I studied hard.  At 11:00, I went to my finite math lab. I always get really nervous because we have to complete a difficult worksheet and hand it in within the 50 minute period. Our teacher is a Chinese guy who doesn’t speak English very well, so if I have a question, I usually can’t understand his answer. There have been times, like last week for example, where I had no idea how to do any problems on the worksheet and tried to get help from the teacher, but didn’t understand his explanation. I left without handing in my worksheet like I was supposed to because I wasn’t done and had to go to another class. I started crying out of frustration and Carson was there for me to vent to. Before I went to my lab today, he called and told me that if I had issues getting the worksheet done, it wasn’t a big deal and he would help me work through it later tonight. Hearing that made me feel a lot better about going to the class today. I had some trouble with a few problems on the worksheet, but was able to get it finished and handed in. It’s just hard sometimes because other people in the class can finish the worksheet in no time like it’s the easiest thing in the world, and there I am sitting at my desk not knowing how to do any of it. Math has never been my strongest subject, but I got through it and Carson was waiting in his car to meet me. He was probably expecting me to be upset like last time, but luckily I was able to tell him that everything was fine.

We went over to his apartment for a few minutes so I could get something to eat, but then I had to leave because I had another class. He dropped me off at my psychology class, which turned out to be a very boring period of nothing but taking notes. Afterwards, I got some mac and cheese at the food court and came back to my dorm room and watched the movie Ghost because it was on TV. Then it was time to go to my history class, which Carson is also in. As I was leaving my dorm room, some girl who lives on my floor who is also in my history class told me she was just there and class was canceled. I was very happy to hear that because it’s such a cold, nasty, rainy day, and I just wanted to stay in bed and continue watching Ghost. I went downstairs to meet up with Carson to tell him the news, and we decided to go to the polls to vote. On the way there, this girl walked by us and said directly to Carson that class was canceled. I had never seen her before, so I asked Carson if he knew her. It turns out she was the girl he danced with and was kind of talking to at the beginning of our relationship. I had always known about him dancing with another girl at a party when I went home some weekend, but I never wanted to actually see the girl. It just made it seem more real to put a face with the name. It hurts anytime I think about the incident because we were together at the time, but apparently he decided I was far enough away that he could go out and dance on people. I was kind of upset at first, but then figured that if it happened when he said it did –the first weekend we were together – that’s so long ago that it doesn’t even matter. Then Carson had to go to work and I decided to take a nap. I have a paper to write and a lot of finite math to do, so I’ll have to write more later.

Commentary: I had taken a few months off from writing in my journal back then, and in real life, have taken a bit of a break from blogging! The past couple months have been crazy. This year hasn’t been the best for me health-wise, with the two surgeries I had at the beginning of the year and then recently finding out that I had skin cancer. Thank goodness it was squamous cell carcinoma and not melanoma (which is more serious), but it definitely has been a scary experience. One doctor told me they think all the cancerous cells have been removed, but my other doctor said they aren’t sure and will probably take more skin out just to be safe. I should know what the verdict is when I go back to the doctor on Tuesday. I’m trying to be positive about the whole situation and keep reminding myself that out of all the types of cancer, skin cancer is definitely one of the more treatable ones, so I’m thankful for that. Some good news to share is that my book, “Artifacts of a 90s Kid,” will be coming out in less than two months on November 7th! I’m very excited to share it with all of you. Feel free to like/follow “Artifacts of a 90s Kid” on Facebook for more updates or pre-order it from Barnes and Noble! 🙂

You Can’t Plan These Things Out — July 6, 2017

You Can’t Plan These Things Out

06/29/04:  I think the last time I kept a journal was my senior year of high school. When I went off to college at ISU, I didn’t have much time to write, but now it’s summer and there isn’t much for me to do. I have decided to keep another journal mainly because it helps me deal with things and I can say anything. So anyway, I’ll try to give you an update of what happened during my first year of college. It started out with Cara and I rooming together in the dorms (bad idea). We actually had lots of fun in the beginning. We went out partying and were meeting lots of new people, but things started getting worse as time went on. I don’t want to go into every detail of why things didn’t work out, but basically, she became a different person who I didn’t know anymore. Since we have been friends for such a long time and came to ISU together, it was kind of expected that we would hang out every night. Well then I met Carson and everything changed. When he and I met, I was immediately interested in dating him, and that’s what eventually happened. We have been together for over nine months and he has made my life so much better. I started spending all my time with him, which led to lots of arguments with Cara. When things got physical, I decided I needed to move into a different dorm room, even though that meant rooming with a complete stranger. Cara expected me to go everywhere with her, and I was constantly put in a position where I had to choose between her and Carson. She would even steal things from me, it was so ridiculous. I felt like she was jealous of what I had with Carson. There were times when he would send me messages online and she would delete them. This other time I came back to the room and she had ripped up all the pictures I had on my wall and even tore the sheets off my bed…she was just acting crazy. So when I moved out, they stuck me with a girl who I had absolutely nothing in common with. I decided to get a single room for next semester so I can actually concentrate on school and not have any roommate drama. A lot of things happened that made my first year of college hard to get through, but luckily Carson was always there for me when I needed someone. Of course our relationship isn’t perfect, but it’s pretty darn close and is the best relationship I’ve ever been in. I think one reason why our relationship had a few bumps in the beginning was because it was hard for me to trust someone again after what I went through with Jordan. I think I needed more time to get over what happened, but then Carson came along unexpectedly. You can’t really plan these things out. Anyway, I have stuff to do so I’ll write again later.

Commentary: Things were really bad between my roommate and I, which was sad considering we had been best friends since kindergarten. The last straw for me happened when I went to take a shower. It seemed like she’d do just about anything to hurt me, embarrass me, etc., so I thought she might try to leave and lock me out of our dorm room while I was showering. That way I’d have to stand in the hallway wearing only a towel until whenever she decided to come back. I took my keys with me to the shower and when I came back, just like I thought, the door was locked. When she returned about a half hour later to see that I had outsmarted her and was able to get in the room, she really lost it. I decided right then and there that I absolutely had to move out, so they placed me in a room on a different floor. Somehow my ex-roommate found out where I had moved to and would write “bitch” and other harassing messages on a marker board that was on the door. All because I had a new relationship and didn’t have as much time to hang out with her. Who does that? 

I Feel Like More When I’m With Him — June 17, 2017

I Feel Like More When I’m With Him

11/29/03:  I’ve been at ISU for almost a whole semester now and its been going okay. Right now my parents and I are in the car driving back home. We went to visit my brother for Thanksgiving – he lives in Nashville. I suppose I should tell you about Carson. This guy is seriously the love of my life. We met during the first weekend that I was at ISU, back in mid-August. We have actually been dating for the past two months and six days…yes, I know what you’re thinking. There’s no way I can be in love with him after such a short time. I didn’t want to believe it either, but it just happened. The only other person I’ve had similar feelings for was Jordan. Speaking of Jordan, we didn’t talk or see each other for about 7 or 8 months, then I randomly stopped by his house a few days ago. It was kind of a goodbye because he’s just about to leave for the Marines. Jordan was such a huge part of my life for a long time and it hurts that we weren’t able to at least stay friends. Oh well. After seeing him, I realized we are two completely different people now and Carson is truly the guy for me. I think one reason I love him so much is because he is one of the few people that can even begin to understand me. I have never been in the situation before where I have to deal with a long distance relationship some of the time. I’ve been home for a week because of Thanksgiving, and Carson came from Chicago (Buffalo Grove) to my house on Sunday around 4:00 PM and left Tuesday around 6:00 PM. I think this trip and being around him nonstop for the past couple days has really helped us get to know each other better. We got closer and our relationship feels stronger. Let’s take my friend Cara and her boyfriend, for example. They have been going out on and off for about a year now and she tells me she loves him. Honestly, she never sees him. He lives back at home and we are at ISU, plus he has a job where he works like 20 hours a day. He even moved to Texas for a few months at one point. They don’t even talk on the phone all that much, but it’s okay for them to love each other because it’s almost been a year. So then think about me living five minutes away from Carson at ISU. We see each other pretty much every day and I stay the night there a lot of the time. We have spent more time together already than Cara and her boyfriend have, so my point is, how long you’ve been with someone isn’t everything. When I’m away from Carson, it’s incredible how much I miss him. I want to tell my parents, or whoever happens to be around me, all about Chris and how much I love him, but I can’t because no one understands. They say it’s too soon for the word love.  All because of the time thing. That just makes me want to be with him even more because he’s the only one who understands how I feel. It’s not easy to be in a relationship where you don’t feel exactly the same way the other person does. Sometimes one likes the other person more and that can be why it doesn’t work out. But with Carson, I know we feel exactly the same way about each other. I can remember the night he left my house just a few days ago after staying over two nights. Right when he pulled out of my driveway, I started feeling so lonely and empty inside. I hate that. He’s said this before about me and I’ll say it now, but I really feel like more when I’m with him. If he isn’t my soulmate, I don’t know who the hell could be. And yes, I realize I said the whole soulmate thing about Jordan too, but it’s definitely different this time. Even from the first few weeks we were together, I knew Carson was someone I could trust and would watch out for me at parties or whatever the situation was. There aren’t many guys like that in college. I could go on and on about how great of a guy he is. He goes to church every Sunday, even if he has to walk two miles in the snow. I don’t know many college students who would do that. I can’t even tell you how depressed I was at the beginning of the school year. I didn’t know anyone and Cara and I weren’t getting along. I felt like I had no one. All the friends I had in high school went to different colleges and were long gone. I didn’t like being an hour away from home and my cat. So one night, I prayed to God and told him how much I needed someone to be there for me or else I wasn’t going to make it. Later during the week is when Carson and I hung out for the first time alone and really hit it off. On Thanksgiving this year, I was especially thankful for Carson. School is really stressful, but at least I have him to help me through it. After he stayed at my house, we both agreed that is exactly how we want to spend the rest of our lives. Just being together whenever possible. I would go into the guest room to wake him up in the morning and snuggle with him, then we would drive around and stop anywhere if we needed something. Then we would go back to my parents’ house, cook dinner, and watch movies until we couldn’t keep our eyes open anymore. Then I would tuck him in bed, say I love you and goodnight. Well here we are at the last page of another diary. It’s hard to write in a car, so that’s all I’m going to say. I just can’t wait to get back to ISU tomorrow so I can see Carson!

Commentary: I think I talk more about this in the next diary entry, but my best friend and I attempted to be roommates once we arrived at ISU. Long story short, it didn’t work out. That first semester of college was one of the most difficult periods of my life. I was drinking and partying a little too much, my grades were suffering, my best friend and I weren’t getting along, and overall, I was making some pretty bad choices. I was confused about what I wanted to do with my life and wasn’t even sure if college was the right place for me. Fortunately, I met Carson the first weekend of college and can honestly say that without him, I would have never graduated. I don’t even think I would’ve made it to my sophomore year. I will always be grateful for our relationship and him pulling me out of a really dark place. 

No Cavities :) — June 15, 2017

No Cavities :)

08/13/03 – 12:14 AM:  Today is my last day living in this house! Tomorrow morning, I move into the dorms at ISU. I have so many mixed emotions running through me. I actually did hang out with Chad last week and it was great, but that was basically my goodbye to him. I have to close that door and keep it closed! No more going back. I went to the dentist this week and had no cavities, so I’m happy about that. I’ve been trying to decide lately whether or not I should say goodbye to Jordan. It’s really hard because he was such a huge part of my life. Now he’ll be in the Marines, I’ll be at ISU, and we really won’t be able to see each other anymore. It seems like he’s so into Isabelle he doesn’t even know that I’m about to move, let alone care. I don’t know what I’m gonna do…I might call him tomorrow. Rob came over today to say bye to me. I actually will miss him, believe it or not. Out of every guy friend I have, Rob probably knows me the best at the moment. He is the only one I talk to every day, besides my friend Cara. It seems like he genuinely cares and listens to me whenever I need to talk, so that’s been really nice. Lately I’ve been packing and preparing myself for college life. Well I better get to bed, tomorrow will be a very busy day!

Commentary: I can’t believe its already been ten years since I graduated from college. I swear, time keeps going by faster and faster the older I get!

 

I Went to a Frat Party, Woo Hoo! — June 3, 2017

I Went to a Frat Party, Woo Hoo!

07/29/03:  So much has happened since the last time I wrote in here. It’s been over a month! Time to play catch up. On June 20th, I had a fun 18th birthday. I hung out with friends at Stone Country. I went to Illinois State University on the 7th or 8th of July for Preview. I spent the night there, went to a bunch of meetings, and also went to a frat party, woo hoo!  It was a lot of fun because I met so many wonderful people, and I feel much more comfortable about going to ISU now. Oh, and I recently had to go to the gyno for the first time ever for a checkup. I have always dreaded doing that, but it wasn’t all that bad. I’ll tell you what’s going on with Jordan. Isabelle always told me that she didn’t like him and would never go out with him, but that was a bunch of crap because they have been going out for awhile now. I can’t even explain how I feel about that, among other things. I try to talk to him sometimes, but apparently he is in love with Isabelle now. He is 19 and she is 15 years old. I think Jordan gets infatuated with people easily, but it isn’t love. After looking back on everything, maybe that’s all it was with me. I actually really did love him, though. When I found out that he and Isabelle are together, I just couldn’t believe it. He lied to me so many times. One day, I had him over to swim in my pool and he asked if I had a boyfriend. I said, “No, why? Do you have a girlfriend?” and he told me no. Then I noticed he was acting strange…not wanting to hug me and wouldn’t let me sit on his lap. I didn’t worry about it too much because he’s weird like that sometimes. So the next day, Isabelle talked to me online and said, “Oh, did you know Jordan and I are together?” I was like, “No way, he told me yesterday he didn’t have a girlfriend.” Then I confronted Jordan and he claimed that he didn’t answer when I asked him about it. Whatever, he lied. Then he got mad at me and said I should have figured it out since he wouldn’t let me sit on his lap. Ugh. So after all that happened, I decided that was it. Jordan needs to be totally and completely out of my life. I have always been hurt or upset over things he has done in the past, but it all added up and this was the last straw. You have no clue what he has done to me emotionally. One time I was in a chatroom with him and Isabelle and she said something right in front of me about how she didn’t understand how Jordan and I had such a wonderful relationship and then it got so bad. He responded by saying, “Isabelle, I told you. I hated it so much, she controlled me.” Then once Isabelle left the chatroom, Jordan talked to me and said, “Oh, I didn’t really hate our relationship, it was really great for awhile.” But of course he could never let Isabelle know that. For the first time, Jordan is not a part of me and never will be again. It doesn’t upset me too much because I feel like the whole thing wasn’t real anyway and I can do so much better. I learned a hell of a lot through all of this and grew up a lot too, so it’s all good. Jordan has decided to join the Marines, so I’ll probably never see or talk to him again.

Anyway, let’s talk about Chad. I still think about him every day (don’t know why) and call him every once in awhile, but he’ll either ditch me or not call back. I don’t know what his problem is. All I want to do is see him one last time since he is moving to Florida soon and I’m leaving for ISU in two short weeks. We haven’t hung out all summer, but it would be nice to see him because he always puts me in a good mood and for some reason, I have always felt chemistry between us. I think I’m going to ask him to hang out Saturday night and if he thinks he has something better to do, that will really prove he doesn’t care. This is seriously his last chance. He still calls me “babe” or “hun” on the phone, so he still acts like he likes me. Hmmm. Then there’s Rob. We have been hanging out more and I’m just glad to have someone there for me who’s been understanding. Remember Josh from TN? Well he’s back now. When I found out he came back, I almost cried because I was so happy and missed him so much. We hung out a few times and it was nice to see him again. This whole summer I’ve been bummed about Jordan, so I really needed something to make me happy again. Even though I like him, there’s no way I want to start a relationship since I’m leaving for ISU soon and won’t ever be able to see him. I have class during the day and he works every night. He wrote me a really sweet letter and I’m going to write him back to tell him how I feel. Well it’s getting late, so I’m gonna go to bed. I’ll try to keep this thing more up to date so I don’t have to write such long entries.

Commentary: I still remember that very strange chatroom conversation where they were talking about me as if I wasn’t there. Thank goodness I’m about to leave for college at this point in my diary and will have different topics to write about. I’ll never forget going to Preview at ISU. It was basically a two-day orientation where you tour the campus, go to different meetings/activities, and spend the night in the dorms. Although it ended up going pretty well, I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous in my life. I’m not the most social person, so being dropped off an hour away from home, not knowing anyone, and having to do team building and “get to know you” type of activities, terrified me. You were actually supposed to spend the first day with your parents, but somehow there was a misunderstanding. I’m not sure if my parents weren’t aware of that or if they didn’t want to go, but my dad just dropped me off. While everyone else was off doing things with their parents, I was hiding out in my dorm room feeling extremely awkward. Eventually, I met a girl who was nice enough to let me tag along with her and her parents. The whole thing still makes my stomach hurt when I think about it. As you may have noticed by now, I keep a lot of random stuff from my past and today’s photo is of the name tag I wore at Preview.  

I Honestly Didn’t Want to Leave — June 1, 2017

I Honestly Didn’t Want to Leave

06/09/03:  I just talked to Isabelle online and in her profile she has all this stuff like, “I love you Jordan, wow, what a man” or something. So I IMed her and was like, “Just admit that you want Jordan,” and she said, “No, I don’t like him like that.” Umm whatever. Then she added something else about how some girl at the mall where he works likes Lebanese guys, so he gave her his number! Just a week ago he said he wanted to be with me. It’s just so frustrating because he has totally changed. He lies about everything now. I need to realize that he doesn’t really care about me, even though he says he does. Isabelle always rubs stuff like that in my face. For the past week, Jordan hasn’t called, returned my calls, or stopped by my house, so I knew something had to be up. He always ignores and avoids me when another girl is in the picture. Then when there are none, he likes me again. Today I talked to Rob online and we decided to meet up at a park in Sunnyland. We swung on the swings and even went down the pink slide. It was beautiful outside and we had fun. We even took a walk through the woods, and I honestly didn’t want to leave. I highly doubt we will ever end up dating, but he is fun to be around and I’ll definitely continue being his friend. Well I’m gonna go for now.

06/15/03:  Life really sucks right now. Jordan and I didn’t talk for about two weeks, and it has been hard for me to deal with. One of the biggest reasons is because it’s summer now and everything I do reminds me of last summer when Jordan and I went swimming in my pool and went to the fair…we were together then, and everything was so perfect. My mom has been renting a lot of movies lately and I’ve sat down and watched some by myself. Of course they are all about love, which really makes me think of Jordan. It’s weird because I’ve dated other guys and liked other guys, but still only think of Jordan when it comes to love. Anyway, he actually came over to my house tonight. I really wanted to tell him how I feel, but couldn’t do it. It is so incredibly hard for me to be around him now. He has changed so much. When we started dating, his muscles weren’t that big and he didn’t have much confidence, so at the time I was probably the best looking girl he could get. Well now he’s been taking pills to make his muscles bigger, works out a lot, and buys tons of new clothes from American Eagle and Abercrombie just to look cool and fit in. I guess he thinks he can get a better looking girl now. Even though he would try to deny it, I know that’s how it is. Even if I did something to make myself look better, or even got plastic surgery, I would still want to be with Jordan. So as we were talking, he said all this stuff about how he is probably going to move to either Pekin, IL or Florida, then he said in a year he will definitely be in Detroit. I just don’t know what to think. One of the things I wanted to talk to him about was that I always want to keep in touch and at least be friends if nothing else. Tonight I realized that won’t be possible. He always talks about his muscles and the stupid pills…I just want to slap him. I can’t believe this person I loved so much, the person I honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with…I can’t believe I have to let it all go and pretend like nothing ever happened. My life is hard without Jordan in it, but to tell you the truth, it’s becoming even harder when he is in my life because he isn’t the same person. Well it’s 2:00 in the morning and I have to wake up early to go to work. Hopefully Rob and I will get to hang out tomorrow.

Commentary: I had forgotten how much drama was stirred up by AIM profiles and away messages. It definitely was a good source of information for me at the time to find out clues about what Jordan was really up to.

Sometimes I Feel Like I’m Never Going to Find My Soulmate — May 31, 2017

Sometimes I Feel Like I’m Never Going to Find My Soulmate

06/08/03 (Sunday):  This week has been pretty hectic for me. I’ve had to wake up around 9 or 10 in the morning for the past five days to go to work. It sucked because I’ve been sick since Thursday.  Anyway, my graduation was on Wednesday, May 28th, and I ended up crying. I was upset because I had hoped somehow Jordan would show up and when he didn’t, it really made me realize that things with him and I are over and I’ll probably never see him again once I leave for college. Soon my mom is going to make me go to a gynecologist for an exam. My period is never consistent, and my cramps are so bad that it will sometimes make me throw up. I’m really scared the doctors are going to tell me there’s something wrong with me, like I can’t have kids or something. Seriously, if you only knew how painful my cramps are every month…there HAS to be something wrong. I’m scared and don’t want to think about it. On Friday night, I hung out with Paul and Nick. We went to Marci’s Pizza for awhile to play pool. Brian called to tell me that he ended up having to go back to Iraq, so he won’t be coming home this summer. I was actually looking forward to him coming back. Josh from Tennessee ~ well, we don’t really talk anymore. His brother told me that Josh moved out and lives with friends, so I can’t write him letters anymore. I really do miss him when I actually sit down and think about it, which I rarely let myself do. Moving on to Jordan – we haven’t talked in about a week. We got to the point of hanging out again, but then stopped talking. I don’t really want to call him because he hasn’t been stopping by my house lately, which means he most definitely has been with Isabelle. That’s not something I want to hear about. Anyway! I had a dream about Chad last night. I called him today since we haven’t talked in a long time and haven’t seen each other in months. I miss him, but at the same time don’t want to get close and end up getting hurt again. Sometimes I feel like I’m never going to find my soulmate. I thought my soulmate was Jordan, but clearly I was wrong. No guy even comes close to someone I would want to be with in the long run. I really did have strong feelings for Chad, but no matter how hard you try to change someone, you just can’t. Chad will be Chad. I’ve still been talking to Rob, but he never calls when he says he will and always has an excuse to not hang out. It’s just frustrating. Hmmm, I give up for now.

Commentary: My goodness was I boy crazy. Why the heck was I so worried about finding my soulmate when I was only 17?

He Isn’t the Same Person — May 25, 2017

He Isn’t the Same Person

05/26/03 (Memorial Day):  I don’t know what’s been wrong with me lately, but I’m just not happy anymore. I am totally unmotivated and lazy – never feel like doing anything, and I don’t care about anything anymore. On Sunday night, Jordan stopped by my house to tell me something. Apparently he was going to end it all and seriously say goodbye to me, but he said when he saw how beautiful I looked or whatever he just couldn’t do it. So then he acted like he wanted me back and I really didn’t know if I should buy into it. I said we could hang out tonight, but when he came over my sister told him I wasn’t here even though she knew I was. She didn’t even ask me if I wanted to talk to him! So I called him and we talked, but not about anything important. He told me to call him later if I wanted to hang out, but I didn’t. This whole situation really sucks. I want to at least be friends with him or have him in my life in some way, but it hurts too much now. He isn’t the same person, and I can’t even look at him the same way. I invited him to my graduation awhile ago, but he probably won’t come. I was supposed to send out my graduation announcements, but never did. We spent so much money on those things, but I really could care less right now. My friend Ian and I were supposed to hang out tonight. He said he would call me right back to tell me when he was coming over, but he never called of course. The only time in my life when I was actually happy was when Jordan and I were together, and now I can’t get that back. Sometimes I treat other people badly, like Paul, and it’s all because of Jordan. He has really changed me and I hate it. Sometimes I think I want to start dating someone, but I’m sick of starting something and having it get all messed up. Well my life is too depressing to think about, so I’m just gonna go to bed.

Commentary: Can’t really blame treating other people badly on anyone other than myself. I still have those darn graduation announcements!! 

Those Were the Exact Words I Didn’t Want to Hear but Knew Were Coming — May 24, 2017

Those Were the Exact Words I Didn’t Want to Hear but Knew Were Coming

05/24/03:  I haven’t written in about two weeks and a lot has happened. First of all, I graduate from high school on Wednesday the 28th and I just can’t believe it! I’ve grown up so fast. Friday was my last day of school and I thought I would be sad and cry, but somehow I managed not to. I think I was too tired, plus I already cried the night before over Jordan. I’ll tell you the whole story. Ok, Jordan kept telling me how he wanted to go back out with me and everything and I didn’t know whether to believe him or not. I went to prom with my friend Brandon only because Jordan didn’t want to go. Well later he tells me that some freshman girl asked him to go and he said yes. First of all, it’s the junior/senior prom, so I highly doubt the girl asked him. I talked to her online one day, and she said Jordan had asked her back in January or February to go to prom. Apparently this girl is a really big Christian, so I believed her. When I confronted Jordan about it, he said that he didn’t remember telling me that she was the one who asked him. I really freaked out on him because it wasn’t like it happened a long time ago, so I knew he HAD to remember what he told me. He had nothing else to say. I have known about him and this Isabelle girl for awhile now because another girl from their school told me the two of them were always together and everyone thought they were going out. When I asked Jordan, he said that him and Isabelle are just friends and it’s so gross to think they would be anything more than friends because of the age difference (it’s also illegal). Jordan will be 19 years old this week and Isabelle is like 15. Her brother is really good friends with Jordan, so that’s how he met her. Anyway, Jordan will very convincingly tell me so many times that he doesn’t like Isabelle like that at all and she is just a good friend. I asked if he ever hangs out with her outside of school and he said sometimes he goes over to her house to hang out with her brother and she will just be there. Oh, and apparently she is like a model or something. Ross told me she is “kinda hot.” UGH! All Jordan cares about are looks. So basically, I didn’t know what to think or who to believe for the longest time. Well prom didn’t happen, and Isabelle didn’t go with Jordan because he got suspended from school and wasn’t allowed to buy tickets. Then Jordan acted like he could have found a way to buy tickets but decided not to because he cares about me and wants to be with me. A few weeks ago I went over to his house and he gave me a hug and started crying and told me a bunch of BS about how he loves me, always has, and it’s the best feeling when he holds me in his arms, blah blah…

A few months ago I just might have bought that. When he told me this time, my response was just, “Hmmm, ok.”  I remember the whole thing with Beth. Everyone kept telling me that he really liked her and wrote her love letters, and then he told me that he only liked her as a friend and denied ever writing her notes or going over to her house. Then I found out he asked her to homecoming and lied to me about the whole thing. Jordan always says one thing and does another. He gives me a bunch of crap about how he wants to go back out, but then he never calls me, never returns my calls, never tries to make plans, never comes over, he never does anything! So then I heard from Isabelle that Jordan goes over to her house a lot when her brother isn’t even there. One day they went to the mall together and spent the rest of the evening/night hanging out and she pierced his ear for him…It makes me go seriously crazy to think about all this. It hurts because I know he would never spend a whole day and night with me anymore. So then I talked to Isabelle just because she kept leaving me messages about how she really had to talk to me. She told me Jordan took her to Steak-n-Shake one night and told her that he has had feelings for her for the past two months. I really wanted to die when I heard that. I was so upset and hurting so incredibly badly. You have no clue how many times Jordan told me he didn’t like her like that and wanted to be with me and loved me, then at the same time he tells her the exact opposite. I know guys that do this kind of thing, like Chad for example, but it is totally not like Jordan to lie so many times and play these games. I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. So then I confronted him about it, and he was like, “Oh, she said that huh,” and tried to act like she was lying, but in the end screwed it up for himself and basically admitted it. This is what always happens – he’ll lie about something and I’ll find out about it, then I’ll tell him I know what’s going on and he will lie even more until he finally gives in, but then blames the whole thing on me. He goes back to how I hung out with Chad and Ross. For the longest time I told Jordan how I wanted to be with him and all he had to do was ask and we could be together again, but he would never do it. I gave him a chance and he didn’t take it, so I started hanging out with other guys because that was a lot easier than hurting every day and wondering if he was ever going to call. So now I have decided that this has gone on long enough. I can’t let him do this to me anymore. He still has my Deftones shirt and my Incubus CD, so I need to get those back and then stop talking to him for good. It seems like every time I say, “I want nothing to do with you now please leave me alone”, the harder he tries to go out with me. Then, the second I start acting like I care again is when he will avoid me. Maybe it’s one of those things where you want what you can’t have. I went to Shopko a few days ago and was looking around at stuff when I came across this body spray for men that’s called BOD. I remember when Jordan and I first started going out, we would ride around in the backseat of Brent’s car and Brent would spray that BOD spray all over, so I was smelling it for the first time since then and almost started crying. My eyes got all teary. It just reminded me of one of the best times of my life, before all the bad stuff happened. I called Jordan tonight because he told me he wanted to talk to me face to face on Sunday night, but since I wasn’t busy tonight, I thought we could switch it to tonight. Brent and I just now talked online, and he said he stopped over at Jordan’s house tonight. I asked if Jordan was home because I left a message on his answering machine since he wasn’t answering. Brent said that he was home and was there with Isabelle. Those were the exact words I didn’t want to hear but knew were coming. It seems like when I think of the worst case scenario, that’s exactly what ends up happening. Funny, huh? I can’t believe all of this. I cried every day for months when the whole Beth thing was happening, but this is worse. The thing that really upsets me is the fact that Isabelle will talk to me online and tell me to get back with Jordan because he needs a girlfriend. She tells me he cares about me so much and she can tell he really wants me back, but every time they hang out, she will rub it in my face. Or put stuff in her AIM profile about how sweet Jordan is, or put up an away message saying how Jordan is over and she is piercing his ear and he is going to look hot like Eminem, yet she tells me “Oh, I have a boyfriend and I don’t like Jordan at all.” Yeah right! Brent just told me that Isabelle was Miss Illinois or something, so basically she is hotter than me. Jordan knows he can’t get any hot girls his age because no one wants him, so he goes for dumb freshman girls who don’t have a clue. Brent keeps telling me things like, “he really does care about you, though.” Yeah right. The thing that makes me feel a little bit better is the fact that Jordan did horribly on his ACT, won’t be able to afford college, plus can’t get into any colleges because no one wants someone who is as dumb as a monkey. He will probably be living in a cardboard box pretty soon because his stepdad is kicking him out of the house at the end of summer. He does have a job, but he’s such an idiot that he goes out to Abercrombie and Fitch or American Eagle and buys ridiculously expensive clothing just to look good for stupid Isabelle. He probably even buys her stuff too. I’m not too worried about her because once she grows up she will realize Jordan is nothing and will never be anything, and if she is so good looking she should be able to find someone a lot better. I have definitely learned so much about life, love, and myself through all of this. Now I know not to make the same mistake again. Well enough about that!

I am kind of seeing someone at the moment and you won’t believe who…ok, it’s Paul. I don’t even really like him all that much. We never hang out and don’t even act like we’re dating. He just always tells me that if we started dating again, we would never fight and things would be totally different. I wanted to prove him wrong. Brian comes home from the war next week, and if the whole thing with Paul and I isn’t over before then, it will be when Brian gets here. Paul wants me to choose between him and Brian because apparently I’m not allowed to be friends or anything with Paul if I’m also talking to Brian. I’ll do what I want though. I have the biggest hand cramp and my writing is extremely sloppy, but I can’t stop yet because I have to tell you about two more guys. Oh yeah, and not to mention it’s after 1:00 in the morning now and I have to wake up at 8:30 to be at work by 10:00! Ok, first Chad. Last night I went to Stone Country and was sad because that place makes me miss him so much, however I have finally realized and accepted the way he is. I could never have him to myself…I don’t think any girl ever could. Ross…hmmm, not too much to say about him – moving on – Rob. He’s some guy I met through mutual friends and we have been talking a lot lately. He is almost 24 years old, so that’s quite a bit older than me. I’m not expecting anything to happen between us, but he is someone I enjoy talking to. He called me today and is going to call tomorrow. Usually we just talk online, but we are planning on getting together sometime in the next few weeks. He just moved out of his parents’ house and into his own. Alright well I think I’m going to go to bed now that I’ve gotten things off my mind and onto paper.

Commentary: Some of what I said in this diary entry might seem harsh, but in my defense, I went through a lot with that whole ordeal and was lied to a ton. I didn’t go to my junior prom, so all I wanted for senior prom was to go with someone I cared a lot about, aka Jordan. Since he wasn’t willing to go, I had to make last minute arrangements to go with someone I barely knew. You can see the disappointment on my face in all of my prom pictures. I invited Jordan to my graduation ceremony since we went to different schools, and I can remember thinking that if he showed up, it meant that he still cared about me and there was hope for us. If he didn’t show up, that meant he had basically made his choice and was choosing the other girl over me. I remember looking for him in the crowd and for some reason, really thought I’d see him. Once the ceremony was over and I met with my family, reality set in – he wasn’t there. I began sobbing uncontrollably as I realized it really was the end for us, while everyone else around me thought I was just sad about graduating from high school. Anyway, it all worked out in the end and I have no hard feelings toward either one of them (they ended up getting married). I never did get my Deftones shirt or Incubus CD back! I just realized the date on this entry is 5/24/03 and today is 5/24/17 – crazy!

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